Wednesday, March 25, 2009

Lessons from Life 3/16 to 3/25 - Catching Up...

Once again I've been a little lazy, but mostly in a place emotionally where I did not have the strength to post my lessons on this blog. I hope those who are following my lessons on here, will be happy they are updated.

Lessons from Life, Monday, March 16, 2009

Today it felt like the earth caved in on my life. I wasn’t even a parallel universe. It was just confusing. I’m not sure what kind of lesson I could have learned from the pit of hell I experienced myself being dropped into, but the pain today was terrible.

In catching up on my lessons, I will just summarize what it felt like going through these days. I know I was grateful for something, yet the pain and confusion simply overwhelmed me.
Lessons from Life, Tuesday, March 17, 200

I continued trying to find answers for this confusion I am experiencing; answers that I couldn’t comprehend, even when I went to the sources I knew should have them. Maybe my shock was so deep that I could not understand even the simplest explanation. Maybe I couldn’t accept that life, as I had known it for the past couple years, was changing and I would have to find some way to figure out a new way to live and accept, finding the serenity that I could not feel enough to write these lessons. I felt incapable of it.

Again, I have much to be grateful for, but I was lost in a deep forest.
Lessons from Life, Wednesday, March 18, 2009

Some of the pain came out today, to those which I least expected to express it to – strangers. Yet, between the physical and emotional pain, I was exploding, like a stuffed toy with the stuffing pouring out of split seams. I prayed to God to help me put it back in. But, He only gave me the peace of sleep. I remember using this analogy to my AA sponsor (Girl) Mike when she was alive. I also remember feeling this way too many times in my life. I put my life in the Lord’s hands and believe He loves me. Why, then, do I feel the desolation and depression that hangs over me like a huge black thunderhead?

Again, I ask a question I did in an earlier lesson. Is it wrong for me to want more? Then I wonder if I’m doing all I can to move past this point because it appears that no matter what I do, it still isn’t good enough.

Gratitude – talking with my friends and being with possible new friends at church.
Lessons from Life, Thursday, March 19, 2009

I picked up the paperwork from the paralegal to file the bankruptcy. Then realized I’d have to have the filing fee before I went to court. I am sometimes so na├»ve, thinking I could just show up and they would allow me to sign a waiver. Maybe it doesn’t work that way. So once again, I had to scramble for the money to help me out of this nightmare that is almost over. Please God, let it almost be finished. Fortunately, family, friends, and a neighbor helped. This is my gratitude today. Soon, this particular hell will be in the past.

Still feeling vulnerable, Michelle
Lessons from Life, Friday, March 20, 2009

The Miracle of Spring

“They [the Lord’s mercies] are new every morning: great is thy faithfulness.”
~Lamentations 3:23 KJV~

I woke up this morning and told God how tired I was. That’s all I could say, “God, I’m tired, very tired. I am so very tired.” Even though I’d just awakened, I had no energy from all the battles I’d had with different government agencies and preventing myself from being sued. The bankruptcy is not filed yet, but I will have the money I need for the filing fee soon, so the end of this challenge is in sight. The other challenge I had was thinking I was losing my medical coverage.

Last night on the way home from the paralegal, I was just so discouraged that I had to face another obstacle, that I just wanted to take drastic action to not have to face another thing. Obviously, I didn’t do that. This morning when I called SSA, my life turned around within a few seconds. That’s all it took. The Lord’s miracles come when I least expect them. Yes, my SSDI is less, but I will still be getting a good amount of disability. The $96 that I won’t receive in my check is what the feds will use to pay for my Medicare. I still have medical coverage.

I’ve known people who say they don’t believe in miracles, but all they need to do is take a look at my life. For all the challenges I’ve had in my life and still come through them, with the help of Jesus, I AM A MIRACLE.

My gratitude today is that I finally heard the answer I needed to hear and was able to understand it.

Standing on the Rock, Michelle
Lessons from Life, Saturday, March 21, 2009

Beauty – From the Inside Out

Oscar Hammerstein, II:
“Do you love me because I'm beautiful, or am I am beautiful because you love me?”

Saturday, I saw a man whom I’d seen around Pasadena when I lived there and with whom I’d had a casual acquaintance – to say, “Hello, how are you?” However, I never knew his name and for some reason, never asked. So, when he walked into the restaurant where my friends and I were planning to have dinner, I finally found out his name, along with his friend, whom I’d never met before.

For much of my life, I’ve been judged from the outside in, but I’ve done my best not to be that way – although I must admit, I’ve fallen into that trap at times. Claude is not handsome by Tinsel Town standards, as he was possibly in some kind of accident, which burned his face, scarring it. I don’t know much about him and would not think to ask what happened. Yet, one thing has always attracted me to him – he has always been nice when we’ve talked. As a result, I see him from the inside out.

Isn’t that the way my friends and my Heavenly Father see me? I know is yes, since the dark valley I’m walking through has not come to an end yet. During this time I don’t always feel “beautiful,” but somehow an ugly part of life. Yet, Jesus loves me just as I am. In just writing that something struck my heart about His love.

My gratitude that day was that my friends loved me enough to help me out.

Walking in His Light, Michelle Rose
Lessons from Life, Sunday, March 22, 2009

Changes, Changing, Changed

All changes, even the most longed for, have their melancholy; for what we leave behind us is a part of ourselves; we must die to one life before we can enter another. ~Anatole France~

I long for changes in my life, but sometimes I wonder if it will ever come, since I can’t escape the rut I’ve been stuck in for so long. I strive to be changing in my thinking and attitude toward a much better future, yet can’t escape the circumstances that do not have me thinking beyond how I see things in my present. I desire to be changed in body, mind, spirit – physically, financially, emotionally – it’s so close, yet still feels so far out of reach.

My gratitude – having time to rest from the pain I was in this day.

Praying for Life Healing, Michelle Rose
Lessons from Life, Monday, March 23, 2009

Oh Lord! When will that other window open?

Come unto me, ye who are weary and overburdened, and I will give you rest.
Bible, Matthew 11:28
I am so tired of what I’m going through. I keep thinking I’m coming to the end of this dark valley I’m in, then I have to wait longer and longer. I’m tired of talking about my life as it is. I’m tired of feeling like I do. I’m tired of not having any money.

I’m TIRED! (do you hear me Lord?)

I am grateful that a small check came today and that it won’t cost me too much to cash it at a check cashing place, so I don’t have to go to the bank.

One tired person, Michelle Rose
Lessons from Life, Tuesday, March 24, 2009

The past several months have been quite a roller coaster in my life. Fortunately, even though I’m single and have often felt alone, I’ve never had to go through this long dark tunnel by myself. I’ve had friends near and far. I’ve had my family. But most of all, I’ve had a loving God who’s been with me the whole time and much of the time when I lacked the strength to take another step, He carried me. For all of this I’m grateful.

Protected under His Wings, Michelle Rose
Lessons from Life, Wednesday, March 25, 2009

I didn’t make it to the DPSS office today to bring the letter from SSA reinstating my Medicare Part B. I’ll go tomorrow, before I go to Sharon’s. I pre-tested a new student. She’s in kindergarten and the youngest student I’ve ever had.

Tonight after coming home from the student’s house, I spent almost my last dollar on a box of cookies at the 99¢ store (they are now charging $1 for everything), then ate half the box (ok, it was a small box). On the way home I saw a mother and father with two young sons. They had just become homeless. I gave them the ½ box of cookies for the boys and after thinking about it, gave them the last dollar in my wallet, since I’ll be able to cash the other check I have and will be paid tomorrow from my tutoring company. I wished I had a $100 to give them so they could have spent the night in a motel. Before leaving them to return home, I prayed with them. Their plight struck me to the core, since their hell is just beginning, while mine will soon be over. I pray to God that they will find shelter and food soon.

I’m grateful for the Lord looking over me through this long, dark time I’ve had in my life and I praise Him for helping me find my way to the end of it. It will be over soon. I’m grateful for the time I have to take “mental health” days to return to work as a sub refreshed and to be able to have the time to help my friend Sharon – who needs me as much as I need her.

Realizing so much about this journey, Michelle Rose

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