Thursday, December 31, 2009

The Start of a New Year and Decade...


Many people make resolutions. I don't, because I don't keep them, instead I have goals. Today when I was reading my AA Daily Reflections book I found the following:

"December 31
Daily Resolutions

The idea of "twenty-four-hour living" applies primarily to the emotional life of the individual. Emotionally speaking, we must not live in yesterday or tomorrow. ~As Bill Sees It, p. 284~

A New Year: 12 months, 52 weeks, 365 days, 8,760 hours, 525,600 minutes--a time to consider directions, goals, and actions. I must make some plans to live a normal life, but also I must live emotionally within a twent-four-hour frame, for if I do, I don't have to make New Year's resolutions! I can make every day a New Year's day! I can decide, "Today I will do this .... Today I will do that." Each day I can measure my life by trying to do a little better, by deciding to follow God's will and by making an effort to put the principles of our A.A. program into action."

Today in a continuing effort to find solutions to my eating disorder, I joined a gym. My therapist suggested it, since I have requested a lap band from my doctor. Well, it's a long process and the insurance company wants the patient to try a weight loss program first. My therapist also gave me other "action plan actions" to accomplish. I have completed most of them or are in the process of doing the other suggestions.

Here's the thing about me joining this gym. It was more expensive then I could afford today. Earlier today, I passed a homeless man and gave him $5.00. Not much, but I'm sure he appreciated it. When I went to the gym, the guy I was talking to realized that I was very serious about my committment to improve my health - it's not just about the weight loss - so he talked to the gym manager. Here's what they did for me: gave me a free month so I could start working on my health goals, and let me decide further down the line about doing the personal trainer program. This company (Gold's) is a heavy duty goal-oriented gym and they even have nutritional counseling.

Sunday, I will start a walking program I discovered online and I will go to the gym for my initial workout, where a trainer develops one for me that will help me. I can also use the facility in downtown LA where they have a swimming pool, which was what my therapist wanted me to find. By going to this gym, I don't have to join a program like WW. It's included in my membership.

I feel good about this coming year. I know it will be a healthier one for me. God continues to bless me.

Michelle Rose

Wednesday, December 30, 2009

Digging Out


Yeah, this is how I feel sometimes...and it's not a very good feeling. I don't feel tht way now.

I woke up this morning feeling very angry and somewhat depressed because of certain things that keep happening. So, on this nice, rainy day, I decided to get some of my "Action Plan" goals accomplished.

First, I found an acupunturist a few blocks from me and will call to make an appointment when I'm sure I have the money for the session.

I started a food diary - which as far as I'm concerned is a pain in the hiney. It actually makes me focus more on food, rather than forget about it, but my therapist suggested it, so I'm following what she said.

Then, I looked in to finding the book, The End of Overeating: Taking Control of the Insatiable American Appetite, by David A. Kessler, MD, since it was such a good book and helped me with the methods and psychology behind compulsive overeating. I also got a couple books out of the library yesterday on the subject. One is a workbook.

Another thing I did was sign up for some events for the Pasadena Humane Society's Mobile Adoption Unit.

Last, I cooked a very good dinner - a fried rice recipe (not overly fried, since I cooked the rice first), that has tofu, pineapple, peas&carrots, garlic, and (delicious) ginger in it. I am starting to look for more and more vegan recipes, so that I don't always eat the same things. I've found some excellent ones online.

Tomorrow, I get paid, so I will go to the bank and go out and do some tasks I need to get done, one being going to the gym to check on membership plans. I don't exercise, but spend all day (sometimes) on the computer. Not very good for me either physically or emotionally.

Yes, I know this is typical of everyone to start doing goals at the beginning of the year, but when I talked to my therapist yesterday, she told me that all these things, plus joining a weight loss program (I'm having trouble finding one I don't hate and can afford) is part of the process of getting a lapband to help me lose weight. They want to know that I tried everything I could to lose weight. I'm not just losing weight because I want to be thinner - I started at the beginning of this year doing it for health reasons - lower cholesterol, avoiding a heart attack and developing diabetes. The weight loss is a side benefit. If I develope one of these conditions or die, it won't matter what I weigh.

Now, I'm going to join my cat and watch some tv and then go to bed.

Michelle Rose

Tuesday, December 29, 2009



Everyone has phobias - fear of something. I have them, although some I've conquered or grown out of.

These are fears that I've never had, since I love animals, cats/dogs, and poetry:
Ailurophobia- Fear of cats.
Elurophobia- Fear of cats. (Ailurophobia)
Felinophobia- Fear of cats. (Ailurophobia, Elurophobia, Galeophobia, Gatophobia)
Zoophobia- Fear of animals.
Metrophobia- Fear or hatred of poetry.

These fears I still have, for instance, I won't get a closed MRI, only an open one. And if a bus or train is too crowded, I'll wait for the next one.
Claustrophobia- Fear of confined spaces.
Stenophobia- Fear of narrow things or places.

These phobias, I had when I was younger. I was terrified of bees and wasps, since I'd been stung by wasps as a child. I've overcome my fear of both of them. I've also overcome my fear to dentists, but it's still not my favorite place to go. As far as darkness, when I was very young, my room in one of the houses we lived in was at the end of a dark hall. I was terrified to walk to it - I always ran, but now I find rooms with low or no light soothing, simply because I know God is always with me.
I'm not in school anymore, but I had an extremely high test anxiety - even when I was allowed to take tests in a quiet room away from the classes I took.
Apiphobia- Fear of bees.
Spheksophobia- Fear of wasps.
Dentophobia- Fear of dentists.
Lygophobia- Fear of darkness.
Achluophobia- Fear of darkness.
Myctophobia- Fear of darkness.
Testophobia- Fear of taking tests.

Ok, these I'm still working on. The fear of ridicule comes from many experiences as a child and an adult. I always fear gaining weight, but have a long way to go before I can stop fearing it - or I'm not sure I ever will. Fear of staying single - I move back and forth between being glad and feeling different because I am.
Anuptaphobia- Fear of staying single.
Katagelophobia- Fear of ridicule.
Obesophobia- Fear of gaining weight.(Pocrescophobia)

This has happened so many times, that I'm not sure I fear it or expect it.
Athazagoraphobia- Fear of being forgotten or ignored or forgetting.

This phobia is a new one, due to some recent experiences. I have a plan for what I'll do to stop the fear, but I still have to put it into action, so I'd rather not say what it is. Sometimes that's why I enjoy being alone with Sasha. She loves me just as I am (like God), no matter what I do.
Laliophobia or Lalophobia- Fear of speaking.

Guess this is just something I needed to get out...

Michelle Rose

Friday, December 25, 2009

In the True Spirit of Christmas


The real reason for Christmas!

A Hymn of the Nativity

Welcome all wonders in one sight
Eternity shut in a span
Summer in winter
Day in night
Heaven in earth and God in man.

Great little one whose all-embracing birth
Lifts earth to Heaven
Stoops Heaven to earth.

Richard Crashaw Source: from "A Hymn of the Nativity, sung by the Shepherds," in The
Complete Works of Richard Crashaw, ed. by William Turnbull

This beautiful song was sent to me by a friend. It encompasses everything about this season and this Holy-day in a few short lines. When I read it, the words blew me away. The emotion I feel because of the meaning within them is indescribable.

He is Jesus, born in this season. He is Jesus: our Saviour, friend, healer, love, protection and whatever we need from Him. He is Jesus: the Almighty - God in three persons - the Holy Trinity - Father, Son, and Holy Spirit.

He is Jesus, born of the Virgin Mary. Sent to earth as a tiny helpless baby and knowing the temptations and all that we feel as humans. He is Jesus, born to die to save us from our sins.

Bless all of you, my friends. Merry Christmas.

Michelle Rose

Sunday, December 20, 2009

Doing for Me


Merry Christmas...from a beautiful kitty... image

For the most part, I am an independent person, doing things for myself. Sometimes, like today, I give myself over to someone else's care. I treated myself to a massage. My neighbors, my former landlady and her family, own a massage spa. For many years I've been wanting to do this, but allowed someone to talk me out of it. No more. It was such a wonderful experience and I came out of the spa feeling so relaxed and renewed. I still hurt from my fibro, but knots that I had in some areas of my body are now more relaxed and I have less pain. I've had other massages, but never one like this. I was massaged from head to toe. The masseuse's touch was firm but tender. And I know that when I have the money, I am going back for another massage.

One of my friends makes it a regular habit to get a pedicure. It's something she does for herself. Other friends make time for the gym or yoga. For too many years, I have done social activities, but I can't remember when I did an activity just for me. I used to call them "me" days. They were days when I would plan something for the whole day - a trip to the Zoo, the museum, or something I'd been wanting to do but hadn't done it.

I'm not sure when I stopped seeing myself as worthy of being good to myself, but through the years when I was experiencing extraordinary stress, I rarely did anything like this. It's strange, because during those times I needed things like this the most, but never had the money to do them. Now, it's not to say that I didn't do things. I learned that if I volunteer for places, like the Humane Society, I not only have fun with animals, I get into many activities free.

If God stopped treating me as a loved child, I wouldn't think much of Him, would I? So, even with the lack of money, it's hard to understand why I'd treat His creation - me - that way.

Michelle Rose

Thursday, December 17, 2009

Those %#%@#^#^ Annoying Email


Ok, walk along this fence to a place where chain email disappears. ;-)

photobucket image - bokeh

Ok, this is going to sound a little angry, but it's a "rant" I need to air.

I get them all the time, those email that say "Send this out to 20 people in the next 10 minutes and something amazing will happen to you." I have to scroll down past tons of addresses to see the actual message. Sometimes I send them on because I like the message and think my friends will enjoy them, too. But I've gotten a bit rebellious in not being guilted into sending them on or by forwarding them. I delete all the email addresses. Yes, it is a pain in the hiney to delete them, but I backspace to do it. And, when I send out an email to my friends, I hit reply and send it to one person in the "to" box and then blind copy the rest.

Often, I've deleted them, just because I get tired of the dire consequences they predict if I don't. OH LOOK! I'm still here. I don't mean to insult any of my friends who sends me these email, as I do enjoy them for the most part. Of course, I get in the habit of sending these annoying chain email, too, but I do my best not to make a constant practice of it. Also, I mention in the email I send, there's no stipulation for sending them on. And most times it's not the email content itself that I mind, but the "guilt" message it contains.

When I sent one to my friends, I only picked a few, and delete all the time limits and consequences of not sending the email to anyone else. I want my friends to enjoy what I send, knowing that I sent it to them because I care for them, not them sending the email to countless millions of people.

Well, I guess chain mail has been around for a long time. At least with email, it doesn't cost postage, like it once did. ;-)

Those %#%@#^#^ Annoying Email

Caging a Green-eyed Monster


Image from

Like many people, I go through life with an assortment of mythical animals and monsters perched on and looking over my shoulders. The one that produced the widest variety of raging emotions was the green-eyed monster. It appeared and dugs its claws into my heart when I had the least or lost what I hadn't wanted to give up. You know the one I'm talking about - jealousy. It produced anger, rage, sadness, depression, and a host of other negative emotions and feelings that ripped me up inside and I didn't know how to put back in its cage. I fueled the beast's nastiness within me by looking outside myself at what others had and I didn't. Oh, it just loved to make mincemeat of me, shredding my emotions to the point where I didn't care about life or what I did have. And the strange part is that I wasn't angry at the monster, I was angry at God. I whined and moaned, "Why don't I have this (thing or person) in my life? Why do you have to put me through such a difficult time when that evil person is coasting through life?" I was almost turning myself inside out with jealousy.

I don't know when I began to fuel this emotion less, by looking at what others had and being genuinely happy for them. I also looked at what I had and was truly grateful for God showing His blessings and love on me. Like so many negative emotions, jealousy does nothing to build me up, but happiness for another person's blessings, blesses me and the other person.

Well, sounds a bit strange, doesn't it? How can I be happy for someone who has something I want but don't have. That's the way caging the green-eyed monster works. It's how God wants us to feel toward others. I believe that when the Jews were wandering through the desert for over 40 years, they looked at what they didn't have. They were jealous of those who had homes, water, crops... Did God immediately give them these things? No, but he got very angry at them. God looks at my attitude toward others, whether I'm blessed by others' blessings.

So, while the green-eyed monster shows his face occasionally, I don't buy into his game. Or another way of saying it is that I don't co-sign his baloney. One of my friends calls her ex-boyfriend a "lying sack of baloney," but isn't that what the evil one is, disguised as an emotion?

Tuesday, December 15, 2009

Missing the step up on the curb...


The kind of work my Amazing God creates

Photobucket macro image by John_Armstrong

Today when I was on my way to the doctor, the van I was in stopped for some pedestrians to cross the street. One of the pedestrians was a father with a small son. The child was quite interested in everything around him and didn't appear to lift his foot up when he came to the curb. I didn't see what happened, but the child might have tripped.

I thought about what happens when I take my eyes and focus off Jesus. My life becomes a bit less peaceful. I don't handle things that go wrong as well. I pay attention to what leads me away from His voice and love. And I feel downright miserable. As it was, I was not feeling well to day - I was just in pain from hurting my back again and felt quite out of it all day. Still, I wanted to write the lessons I learned today.

In my Father's eyes, I am His child. He's always there to guide me. Even though I'm an adult, my mother told me (when she was alive) that I would always be her child. I knew it was true. And no matter how old I get, I will always be God's child. So, if I keep my eyes on Jesus, my Saviour, I remember to pick my feet up when I get to the curb.

Michelle Rose

Monday, December 14, 2009

Leaving the Junkyard


And...this is the way God loves us...

photobucket image by MarcieLee

As I walk to and from the bus stop on my way to and from work, I see furniture that people have thrown out. Most of this furniture is not the best - it's the kind made from particle board, rather than real wood. Now, there's nothing wrong with picking up other peoples' discards - some very good furniture and other items can be acquired this way. It's just that for many years, I never felt myself worthy of new and better items, nor could I afford them. I picked furniture, clothes, all kinds of items off the street, some of which was in questionable condition.

Tonight, when I was walking home from work, I realized something about my doing this, how I saw myself, and how I'd changed. Being overweight and without a relationship, I've often seen myself as less than a quality person. I've always said that God loves me because I know He doesn't make junk. But that's exactly what I allow myself to feel like. The feeling comes and goes. I've changed in that I don't allow myself to stay in the "junk" yard very long. Yes, I had a bad day yesterday, but today my disposition is sunny and cheerful.

I'm God's child and I love myself just as He does, only not as perfectly. The fact that I'm not perfect means I allow these feelings to come into my mind. At one point they dominated my thinking and I stayed depressed for days, weeks, and even months. To Jesus, I'm perfect just the way I am and He sees me that way, even if I don't.

I am blessed by so many people, events, and situations. Yet, it never fails to amaze me just how much Jesus loves me and how He continues to bless me, most times when I least expect it. Jesus called everyone to come to share his burden and that He would give them rest. That's exactly what He's done with my attitude about myself. I keep returning to Jesus, who changes me with His blessings. Many people say they don't believe in miracles, but how can I not believe when I am one?

Sunday, December 13, 2009

Missing Blessings

Photobucket image by louisemary08 - a bokeh

I'm not feeling in my best mood today. In fact, I'm really feeling down. I'm lonely and I hate feeling that way, especially around this time of year (or anytime for that matter, but especially around the year end holidays). Yes, I can go out and be with people. That's nice, but I still come home to an apartment without another human being here. Of course, I know having someone in your life doesn't necesarily make life all peaches and stuff, but still having the option is sure nice. There are relationships where one person or the other abuses the partner in some manner.

I could have gone to a pot luck at one of the poetry readings. And, I can go to a poetry reading tonight. However, when I get in these moods, I just feel even lonelier when I'm with people. I'd really love to dive into a tub of Extreme Moose Tracks ice cream, but I know I won't do that.

Yesterday, when I was waiting at the bus stop, in the pouring rain, a young couple came to stand there and wait for the bus, too. This young woman complained about all kinds of things about her boyfriend. He'd just spent $500 on her and she was whining that he didn't buy her an iPod when she wanted it. He kept telling her he would buy one for her later on and didn't she have this thing or that thing? But no, she didn't want to hear it. I told her anytime she didn't want a nice guy, which is what he appeared to be and one that treated her well, I would take him (of course, they were young enough to be my children) ;-) I told her that I had to do and buy everything myself. Personally, I wanted to take this little brat over my knee and spank her. Naturally, I didn't do that.

It isn't that I'm not grateful for what I have in my life. I definitely am. I have a Saviour who loves me even though I'm not perfect and died to save me from sin. I have a cat who loves me unconditionally, and I'm blessed with a beautiful apartment and other possessions. It's just that one thing that's missing from my life that God has never seen fit to bless me with - a caring, committed relationship.

Well, now, I just had to get that out. Writing like this is supposed to make me feel better, but I still feel lonely. It's still just me, my tv, my computer, and my cat. Guess I'll get under the covers for a while and get warm with a hot cup of tea.

Friday, December 11, 2009

Some Days...


just have the feeling that God has sent his angels to watch over me. image by loveej

just have the feeling that they are going to go right from the minute I open my eyes. Today was one of them. It's not that everything went right, but it had a smooth feeling to it. My landlord brought me over a new tv, a larger one than the one I had. All the people on the tv are the right color; they're not purple, green, or blue. I paid my phone bill, even though I had to pay an extra $5 because I had to do it with an agent. I dealth with DPSS (Dept. of Social Services) and I didn't get totally upset. I asked for further explanation when I didn't understand something and they were very patient and cleared my confusion. I didn't realize I had MediCal all this time, but I did. So now I just have to send in some paperwork once I receive it for my redetermination. Then I went out shopping and to a late lunch/early dinner.

I have learned to go with the flow, even when it's not exactly smooth. I have waited a very long time for my live to be like it is now and I wake up and go to bed grateful everyday for the God that loves me and blesses me as He does. How could I not believe in the Lord, when I see the miracles He showers me with? Even when things are challenging, He blesses me. Today is one of those days that I truly believe that God is good all the time, because even the pain I had yesterday is gone. Last night while I was watching tv, my cat, Sasha, was going beserk, playing with her catnip mouse. Suddenly my pain didn't appear so bad. God sent me laughter in the midst of my pain.

Michelle Rose

Thursday, December 10, 2009

When Life Hurts

This morning the lesson from Charles Stanley was about when unfair things happen in life and what part God plays in it and why He might have. When bad things happen to me, I blamed God and was very angry at Him. But later I find out that there was a lesson in it for me. Right now I'm in quite a bit of physical pain. I'm not sure what the lesson is, but I know I won't stay on the computer for very long. So for me, the lesson is to cut my time on the computer short and go to bed early to get a good night's sleep.


Wednesday, December 9, 2009

It's Just as Easy...


Photo from by DragonitesLair

The lines from an old Bob Dylan song keep running through my mind. I've heard them so many times, but for some reason, when I heard them tonight, I had an "aha" moment. The verse is from "My Back Pages."

"In a soldier's stance, I aimed my hand
At the mongrel dogs who teach
Fearing not that I'd become my enemy
In the instant that I preach
My pathway led by confusion boats
Mutiny from stern to bow.
Ah, but I was so much older then,
I'm younger than that now."

When I was substitute teaching, I'd joke with the students that one day
they might one day be on the other side of the desk and face themselves in a classroom. I know that's true of me, since I remember what a tough time I gave some of my teachers. It's not only true in the classroom, but in any part of life.

I recall how I escalated emotionally in the early stages of my disability before my psychiatrist found the right medication combination to level the chemical imbalance. I could be very mean. I also remember that I learned to control my emotions and not react to every situation, so as not to get in trouble like I did. So in aiming "my hands at the mongrel dogs that teach" it came back at me later.

About a year ago, I went to a yoga place in Hollywood, since they have great food there. One time I saw a sign, the essence of the saying being, if you want to learn something, teach it. This can apply not only to academics, but also to relationships or behaviour. The bottom line of what I finally learned when I became my own teacher is that it's just as easy to be nice as it is to be nasty or mean. And, the results are much better.

Michelle Rose

Monday, December 7, 2009

Rainy Days and Mondays...


A funny kitty... and something I've asked too many times.

Today started out rather strange (and continued that way for awhile)... I got ready early for the transport to come pick me up for my psychiatrist's appointment. Thinking it would be a quick trip, and the fact that I didn't have time to take a shower, I washed up a bit and threw some clothes on. In "never" rains in California, but it sure did today and I was at the doctor's office from 11:15 until around 2 pm. So I had to cancel my tutoring appointment. I could have rescheduled, but I needed a new prescription for my medications. By the time I arrived home it was nearly 3 pm and I had to eat lunch.

Ok, the rest of the day I just messed around on the computer. I also canceled my internet and landline services with AT&T, but still have my cellphone. Then, I tried to pay as much of the bill as I could afford. Nothing doing, AT&T wanted much more than I have. So, I'll have to call them tomorrow and explain the situation and probably have to pay additional $5 to pay what I can afford to an operator.

Right now my cat, Sasha, is giving me messages that she wants me to get off the computer and go sit in bed with her. She can be such a nag. ;-)

Well, I made it through today. Thank God! Tomorrow is another day.

Michelle Rose

Sunday, December 6, 2009


is defined by Roget's Super Thesaurus as "a purification or cleansing of the soul; release from mental turmoil."


"The Lord is my Shepherd. I shall not want. He makes me lie down in green pastures: He leads me beside still waters." Psalm 23:1-2

Photo from by mckinleyalbum

"Learn to get in touch with the silence within yourself and know that everything in life has a purpose." Elizabeth Kübler-Ross,MD, On Death and Dying

I did something today I have been talking about for a long time. I unpacked my boxes with my knicknacks in them. This should have been a happy occasion, but it dug deep into my heart and soul, starting me crying. It started when I unwrapped one soapstone box, which brought up memories of Squirt (aka Tweaquie), a cat I had from a tiny kitten, who knocked the box over and broke it. I was so mad at her, but eventually got over it when I glued it back together. As I unpacked more things I continued crying, but eventually stopped. After I finished, the word catharsis came into my mind and when I went to get the definition of catharsis, I picked up a book Mom had given me when she was alive. Once again I started crying. Both Squirt and Mom are gone.

The memory of Squirt brought up memories of other people and cats I've had or known in the past. And as I cried, the pain came from deep inside and felt like it would shred me open. As I wrote this, tears still flowed. I keep wondering if this is cartharsis, why don't I feel relief?

The thing is when death touches our lives, it hurts and hurts very deeply. I found the Elizabeth Kübler-Ross quote when I was going through something very painful. I believe it was after the deaths of my mother and my cat, Monique, only weeks apart. I wrote it on an index card and taped it to the wall near my bed, so that I read the quote many times over. During that time I also had a prayer and meditation time. Jesus brought me through to those quiet still waters. And if I could remember nothing else, I recited the first verse to the 23rd Psalm.

All of us grieve in our own ways and for different things. Grief is not just for the death of loved ones (whether human or not), but also for jobs, moving, loss of friendship, or change. Life is made up of change and our grief moves through stages until reaching a place where we find peace. Grief has no timetable, but can always be put in the hands of Our Saviour to handle when we can't.

My tears may not have brought catharsis today, but I only have to hold out my hand and I know Jesus will take it and guide me through the pain and sadness. And for this, I can smile through the tears.

Michelle Rose

Saturday, December 5, 2009

When Life Has Other Plans

Color Splash, Flowers, Animated Color Splash, Flowers, Keefers Pictures, Images and Photos

Image from photobucket by Keefers_

I had all kinds of good things planned to do today and had to cancel them all. While I was on my way to an AA meeting this morning I was experiencing quite a bit of pain in my lower back and down my legs. I took the bus to the point where I was supposed to catch another bus to a meeting, but the pain was so bad, I decided to turn around and come home. By the time I arrived back at my street, I had a massive headache where I was very sensitive to light. I didn't want to take any pain pills, so I burrowed under my covers to block the light from my eyes.

I don't know if the headache I got was a migraine, but it certainly felt like one. I fell asleep and about 5 hours later, the pain had abated. Still, I decided to rest in bed.

Today was one of those days when my life took a detour. I had to accept how I felt, realizing I could not do either of my activities. Again, I'm beginning to feel pain, so I'll listen to my body and get off the computer in a few minutes. It appears that pain (physical or otherwise) is a good indicator of action I should take or avoid.

Friday, December 4, 2009

Going Beyond My "Borders"


Image from by marysiadat_2008

I usually don't like to go places that are too far from where I live, especially if I haven't been there before. That's not to say I don't do it. I did it today. I went to an AA meeting way out on the far end of the Sunset Strip. I heard a wonderful speaker and some terrific sharing. The ironic part was that the meeting was above a bar in a room where there was another bar. But, it felt so good to be in that room with other sober alcoholics.

The thing is, with the freedom I have in my life being sober, being a Christian, being creative, and more, I can break free of many of the borders, or more like "prison" walls, that were holding me back, always of my own making. I'm not sure what happened to change my fear. Secluding myself within the walls of my apartment became boring and the fear fed on itself as a continuing cycle.

I thank God for the personal and emotional freedom that I feel and can exercise. Even though I'm still not going all the places I plan to go because I still have a bit of fear holding me back, I've broken out of something that was extremely difficult to change.

A Change of Plans


See, no matter if the clouds are dark, the sun (God's light) shines through.

Image from by jonaslife344768082

December 3, 2009, Thursday

Today was supposed to be a nice relaxing day. It was in part. I fiddled around on the computer before going to a play (which I unfortunately left at intermission), then tried a new vegan restaurant, and stopped at the bank for the rent money and money for myself.

I was also supposed to go to a poetry reading that night, but my body had other plans. I was in very bad pain. I've learned to like myself much more than I did, but when I hurt, I would just love to order a new body. Well, Paul begged God to remove "a thorn" from his side and God basically told Paul, no, it's staying there because (imagine this in red ink, since I don't know how to make it that way),"My grace is sufficient for thee; for my strength is made perfect in weakness." II Corinthians 12:9 KJV

Maybe that's what God has in mind for me - using this pain some way. Because I know that I would give anything for God to take it away. I know others have worse pain then I do, although I'm not sure how they deal with it. I've come to terms with my emotional disability, but haven't yet with my physical disability. Is this being grateful to God for my waking up each morning? I am grateful, but is beefing about the pain still being grateful?

Michelle Rose

Backing Up a Little


Image from Photobucket by Sheul12

Tuesday, December 1, 2009

Today I was supposed to go to a poetry reading, but never made it. Why? I got too involved in being on my computer. Sometimes I don't like this infernal machine very much, but, of course, it's part of life - for work, communication, fun, and other jobs.

I remember the days without a computer. I did other things - went to the park, the zoo, or watched tv. On the days that I have to go out, I'm almost relieved that I won't be near my computer for a whole day. What a nice break. Yet, I'm grateful I have it.

Yes, these lessons are a bit backward and I could not figure out how to rearrange them. But, then again it really doesn't matter, does it. Everyone got to read this message on a means of communication that is supposed to make our lives simpler, but doesn't always.

Bless all of you today and enjoy this photo of one of God's amazing works, Northern Lights.

Michelle Rose

Lessons for the Tutor


Image from Photobucket by Odreamy4me

December 1, 2009,

On Wednesday I found out that I lost one of my students, meaning I no longer tutor him. Naturally, I was very upset about it, since I'd worked very hard to make a connection with him and find out just how to get him interested in what I was teaching him.

I later found out that it wasn't because of my teaching style, but because the mother didn't want me teaching her son because I couldn't speak Spanish. I am going to miss tutoring this student, since we were beginning to have fun with the lessons.

When I tutor, I put more than 100% effort into how I tutor. I have had students in the past whom I could not get interested in working with me, no matter what I did, but we went through the whole number of hours assigned for the semester. And I learned lessons from the students - about what and what not to do.

Ok, I've moved on from this experience. It may or may not happen again, and as my coordinator said, I'm not the only tutor that has had this experience. The thing that I realize is that my God has something else for me, which will probably be even better. He takes care of me and I trust that He will always do that because that's what He promised me.

Note: Also, if you like these lessons and want to pass them on to others, please feel free to do so. I thank everyone for the comments they make on them.

Michelle Rose

Tuesday, December 1, 2009

And Who Am I Really?


(Yes, this is what I feel like)

Image from Photobucket by Freekittin2000

Yesterday, my friend Don asked me to lead a poetry writing workshop and short meeting for the Poetry Festival we're having next year. Without hesitation I said yes. It's something I've done before, so I know what to do, and the group is made up of people I mostly know, except if some newcomers attend it.

Today I started thinking, "Oh, can I really do this? What if everyone doesn't like the poems I pick or how I lead? (or whatever...)" Then I realized that Don would not have asked me if he didn't have confidence in me and my ability. So, instead of remaining in the fear, I started choosing poems for inspiration. I realized that my fearful feeling and lack of self-confidence is an old one. So, I can kick that critic to the curb!

For most of my life, I've thought of myself as a follower and acted the part. But now, I'm slowly breaking out of that roll and starting in a new one. I can take the lead and feel confident that I will be successful, not just for the workshop but in other areas of my life. God didn't create junk when He made me. He created me as a unique and beautiful creation in His eyes, and that's how I see myself.

Another friend of mine, Jean, said this in a email, "You know, even though we've never met. You've came along ways, doing better, feeling much better about yourself. You're looking, feeling better about things in Life, etc. Being more positive about things too. You have really improve[d] yourself and doing things to better yourself." Thank you so much Jean. You can't imagine how nice that made me feel.

Ok, not everyday is sunshine and roses. I do have my moments when I'm "dark and twisty," but I don't allow myself to stay there. I work at being a positive, upbeat, and confident person. I've learned to be the kind of person who takes lemons and makes lemonade, since I know the ups and downs of life are part of the cycle of each moment through the years. I know who I am more today than I ever did and I like the person I've become.

Children and Challenges


I tutor a very challenging 6th grader. He gets bored very easily, so in the past couple sessions, I've been challenging him more. We work on the lessons that I'm supposed to teach him, but I do it slightly differently. Here is where my creativity comes in handy. I've always been able to be spontaneous and ad lib in my stories and examples to my students. With this student, it helps so much because I can see him becoming more interested and wanting to work through the lesson.

I am not a parent, nor do I have children of my own, but I've learned from my other students what can awaken their interest and what makes them bored. Sometimes it takes a bit of searching to see how to get through to a student. I've had my "failures" in the past, but these are only lessons to me, helping me with new students.

If anyone had asked me when I was younger what I wanted to be when I got older, I would never have said a tutor. I wanted to work with animals, but I found out I didn't want to do that as a job, only as a volunteer. I love what I do and the challenge each new student presents to me as a tutor. Finding my niche in life was so important to me, but no matter how much I searched, I couldn't find one. When I stopped looking, God put me where He wanted me. Now, how amazing is that? I'd say quite amazing!