Tuesday, August 18, 2009


Tuesday, August 18, 2009


“…bearing with one another, and forgiving each other, whoever has a complaint against anyone; just as the Lord forgave you, so also should you.” ~Colossians 3:13 New American Standard Bible~

“I can forgive, but I cannot forget, is only another way of saying, I will not forgive. Forgiveness ought to be like a cancelled note - torn in two, and burned up, so that it never can be shown against one.” ~Henry Ward Beecher~

Today I watched an incredible movie, “Maria Goretti.” It is about an Italian peasant girl in the early 20th century. Alessandro (one of the other villagers) could not accept her devotion to God and killed her when she would not give in to his selfish desires. Although based on a true story, I don’t know how close the movie is to reality. The fascinating part about the dvd is because of Maria’s faith, she forgave Alessandro for killing her. In 1950, Maria became a saint.

After watching “Maria Goretti,” I thought about my life and the people who hurt me. I don’t know how many times (probably countless) I’ve brought up someone that did me harm. In my prayers, I’ve done a cursory forgiveness, but never truly forgave them, otherwise the matter would be settled. I wonder, if someone did me enough harm to kill me, would I be able to forgive them?

These two quotes are quite significant, because when Jesus died on the cross to forgive sins, He did not look back and bring them up again. He forgave me and that’s the end of it. It should be that way when I forgive someone for hurting me. I have so much more to learn about forgiving someone.

Michelle Rose

Sunday, August 16, 2009


Sunday, August 16, 2009


“Nature does not hurry, yet everything is accomplished.” ~Lao Tzu~

“Never be in a hurry; do everything quietly and in a calm spirit. Do not lose your inner peace for anything whatsoever, even if your whole world seems upset.”
~St Francis de Sales~

I want(ed) everything quickly – to grow up, to get thin, to meet someone to share my life, to make money… etc… Life doesn’t happen that way. When I picked out the first quote, I thought about flowers blooming. I see their beauty revealed as the blossoms open slowly. Right now, my haste is that I want to conquer this eating disorder immediately and it isn’t happening that way.

I overcome one part of the addiction, only to replace it with something equally as annoying or harmful. Yet, I know all the while change happens and my life improves. Just this week, I even had a victory over the extreme pain I had by doing something illogical. I stopped all pain meds. Maybe I think I will find some magic key and the eating disorder will disappear – POOF! Nope, it’s not going to happen that way. It will take every ounce of energy and hard work I can put into my recovery – the hardest of the ones I have. Face it, food is a necessity and tastes good. This isn’t an addiction I can put behind me like alcohol, drugs, inappropriate sex, or smoking.

All I can do is be patient and work to conquer this eating disorder with my focus on the Lord always. My day goes much better when I keep my focus on the Lord. How awesome!

Michelle Rose

Friday, August 14, 2009

Small Changes; Small Steps

Friday, August 14, 2009

Small Changes; Small Steps

“If nothing changed, there’d be no butterflies” ~Author Unknown~

“If you would attain to what you are not yet, you must always be displeased by what you are. For where you are pleased with yourself there you have remained. Keep adding, keep walking, keep advancing.” ~Saint Augustine~
I’ve been making small changes in my eating lately, but in the total picture they make big differences. I realize certain things I’m doing, then change it. Awhile ago I made a decision not to buy and eat potato chips, hard candy (butterscotch) and donuts. Next, I realized that when I buy bags of potatoes, I eat too many. I also do not buy bread, but buy whole grains in bulk and eat them. The other day I looked in my refrigerator and could not believe how many bottles of salad dressing I have, knowing that I use it on almost all the foods I eat. I chose to stop buying bottled dressing and make my own at home from oil, vinegar, and other spices.

Each one of these small steps I take in changing my habits helps my health become better. The change I am working the most on is to focus on the Lord and not on food. Not an easy change after focusing on food all my life, but it is the foundation on which I build all the other changes.

Michelle Rose

Thursday, August 13, 2009

Muffins and Thoughts

Wednesday, August 12, 2009

A Muffin Day

On Tuesday I bought 4 muffins at Ralph’s, since they were inexpensive and I thought I’d eat them the next 4 days for breakfast. Lesson learned – muffins don’t last long – they ended up being breakfast, lunch, and dinner. Inexpensive means nothing if I have no control over what I eat.
Thursday, August 13, 2009

Thought Filling

“Seek freedom and become captive of your desires; seek discipline and find your liberty.” ~Frank Herbert~

“You are today where your thoughts have brought you; you will be tomorrow where your thoughts take you.” ~James Lane Allen~

This morning I woke up with the most horrible taste in my mouth. My throat burned and the bad taste kept coming up from inside me. Ok, this came from the thought the previous day that I could eat 4 large blueberry muffins in one day. Fortunately, today I focused on God and had a better day. Each day, I will do my utmost to focus more on the Lord and fill my thoughts with Him and on Him. If I focus on Jesus, He is the one who guides me through the day and not me.

I once heard something that said if God is my co-pilot, I’m in the wrong seat. For sure!

Michelle Rose

**This photo is of San Francisco harbor. I took this photo many years ago when I visited SF with my brother, David.

Tuesday, August 11, 2009

August 6-10, 2009

**I'm posting all of the lessons I haven't posted in one day, to catch up quickly for those who would like to read them.

Thursday, August 06, 2009

The Best in Myself

When we seek out the best in others, we somehow bring out the best in ourselves.
~William Arthur Ward~

Wednesday I was on top of the world – everything appeared to be a blessing – then I went to the mail and I had a reality check. I had to file another claim for unemployment. I got upset – not stopping to see the shades of grey in between the white of blessing and the black of feeling punished. I called a friend and he suggested that I just had one more hoop to jump through before the San Francisco trip. I mentioned that it felt like they were rings with flames around them. All day Thursday I tried to get through to refile my unemployment claim, with no luck.

Part 2 continued on Friday.
Friday, August 07, 2009

Anger: The Worst of Myself

Anger is a killing thing: it kills the man who angers, for each rage leaves him less than he had been before - it takes something from him. ~Louis L'Armour

If a small thing has the power to make you angry, does that not indicate something about your size? ~Sydney J. Harris

Anger is one letter short of danger. ~Author Unknown

I know this appears backwards, but I don’t always learn lessons when I’m patient. The last quote is especially relevant to what happened Friday. I learned one time that if I go to the EDD (Employment Development Department) office, they can sometimes get through to the 1-800 number to file claims. After my appointment with the nutritionist, I went to the office in downtown LA. I tried the number from the phone in the office and got irrationally angry and slammed the phone down. Fortunately, I didn’t get in trouble, but one of the office workers came out and said she’d help me. We talked for a minute and it took her a couple of tries to reach the claims department. She spoke to the rep, explaining the situation, then I filed my claim verbally. It turned out, that since I’d filed the claim online on Thursday, I already had a confirmation number.

So, things worked out. I got upset and angry for nothing. Once again, I reminded myself of the saying that God protects drunks and fools. I may not be a drunk, but anger certainly makes me a fool.
Saturday, August 08, 2009


Do what you can, with what you have, where you are. ~Theodore Roosevelt

I am driving to San Francisco on Monday with friends to spend a week with them at poetry readings. Normally, I’d have already been packed by now, but I haven’t even started. Today I went to the bank and did a bit of shopping for food to take on the trip, so we don’t have to eat at restaurants. Then, I was either going to do laundry or some cleaning – I did neither – but watched the dvd, The Curious Case of Benjamin Button. That’s the energy I had. Now that it’s later, I’ve decided to go to Ralph’s, like I planned earlier. It’s cooler out and I have a little more energy. Tomorrow I can do the laundry, a little cleaning, and pick up my meds at the pharmacy.

Sunday, August 9, 2009

Difficult Decisions

"We all carry around so much pain in our hearts. Love and pain and beauty. They all seem to go together like one little tidy confusing package. It's a messy business, life. It's hard to figure--full of surprises. Some good. Some bad." ~Henry Bromel, television producer~

I've had much pain in my life. Some of it led to incredible opportunities after I worked through it. Today I was in enormous physical pain that no matter what I did, it never went away. In addition, I experienced extreme muscular pain and weakness and exhaustion, making it difficult for me to do even the one task I set for myself - laundry. In light of the way I felt, I decided not to go on the poetry tour to San Francisco. In my heart I was sad, but I knew I made the best decision for myself, since feeling like I did (and I have), I would not be able to keep up with the pace of the tour. This tour will not be the last one, nor will I feel this way forever. More opportunites for tours and vacations will arise and when they do, I will be ready for them physically, emotionally, and mentally. I know that the Lord was telling me that this wasn't the right time to force my body to do what it wasn't ready to do.

Monday, August 10, 2009

Never Too Late

“It is never too late to be what you might have been.” ~George Eliot (Mary Anne Evans), English novelist~

“Wisdom is knowing what to do next; virtue is doing it.” ~David Starr Jordan, The Philosophy of Despair, US biologist, educator, & ichthyologist (1851 - 1931) ~
I have often mentioned to others that I am not a success. I am 60, but my life is not over by any means. I did a search of famous people who achieved success late in life. Some people are very recognizable, while others may not be. Below is a short list of people who show that never giving up led to their success:

“Anna Mary Robertson "Grandma" Moses was in her 70s when she began painting scenes of her rural life in upstate New York.

When she was just months shy of her 50th birthday, Julia Child collaborated on her first French cooking book, a two-volume set titled Mastering the Art of French Cooking.

Colonel Sanders of finger lickin’ good chicken fame, had a difficult start in life but early on realized he had a creative cooking talent. However it was not until he was in his 60s that he started KFC and became a millionaire.

Laura Ingalls Wilder wrote about her family's life in the 1870s and 1880s in the acclaimed The Little House on the Prairie series of books for children. She published her first book at the age of 65.”

References quoted and paraphrased from: http://www.eldr.com/blogs/creativity-matters/when-creative-success-comes-later-life

What this shows me is that everything I have done so far relates to future success in my health, creativity, achievements and in all areas of my life. I may not become as famous as the people I mentioned above, but I will achieve the success of accomplishment. I measure success in being faithful to God and in the work I do to achieve my goals.

Tuesday, August 11, 2009


“3He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds. 4He determines the number of stars and calls them each by name. 5Great is our Lord and might in power; his understanding has no limit.” ~Ps 147: 3-5 NIV~

I have been brokenhearted many times about so many things. The Lord knows each one of them. He’s healed me, enabling me to move on in my life, often on to something much better. Right now, my heart is still battling with my food addiction. It’s out of control again. The visit to the nutritionist went well, but what I need is continuing support in this addiction. Just as the Lord has numbered and named each one of the myriad of stars in the sky, so has He all the days of my life. I want to win this battle. I want healing from the destructive force of this addiction. I must return to reading the book given to me by one of my friends who receives this daily journal, God Hunger. The author of the book encountered the same battle and won the war.

Once again, I ask you to keep me in your prayers (if you pray) or thoughts (if you don’t). Thank you.

Michelle Rose

Tuesday, August 4, 2009

From Low to High

Tuesday, August 04, 2009

From Low to High

Today, I will do something a little different. As I was reading my Bible this morning, I found something that relates to my life so well, that I decided to use it. The following passages are about how God works in my life and how my faith in Him helps me to maintain emotionally, physically, spiritually, and mentally.

Psalm 119: 25-32 NIV
25 I am laid low in the dust; preserve my life according to your word.
* For many years, I suffered from deep depression, or episodes between extreme highs and extreme lows, until I learned how to control it and not let it control me. I will add that medication and therapy helped, but without my belief in Jesus, I would still be empty.

26 I recounted my ways and you answered me; teach me your decrees.
* In the course of my life, I’ve had to change many of my ways and habits, so that I not only feel better emotionally, but finally come to the decision to change other habits as well to improve physically.

27 Let me understand the teaching of you precepts; then I will meditate on your wonders.
* The more I read the Bible and learn about the Word of God, the more I understand the decisions and directions to make in my life.

28 My soul is weary with sorrow; strengthen me according to your word.
* I have been in some very deep, dark places that I wasn’t sure I either would get out of or wanted to get out of. My feeling was that if I stayed in these places, I did not have as far to go the next time a crisis happened in my life. But, continued Bible reading helped me to escape these places.

29 Keep me from deceitful ways; be gracious to me through your law.
* In so many areas of my life, I’ve lied to myself about what I was doing and its affect on me. Only through reading the Bible, following Jesus as my Saviour have I come to know the truth about myself. I was also helped my many supportive friends.

30 I have chosen the way of truth; I have set my heart on your laws.
* I’ve learned that lying to myself about what’s best for me, hurts me and sometimes others. The way of truth for me is to follow God; He never lies to me. I can always live in His truth.

31 I hold fast to your statutes; O Lord do not let me be put to shame.
* For such a long time I’ve been apologetic about my faith, not wanting to insult anyone, but it is my faith and it helps me in my life. If I am ashamed about Jesus being my Saviour and don’t follow His word, He will be ashamed of me, although He will never leave me. He always loves me. The awe of this brings tears to my eyes and is a realization so incredible that my mind can’t contain the whole concept of it.

32 I run in the path of your commands; for you have set my heart free.
* Jesus path has become my way. My belief in Him and His love set me free as no other method I tried in my life. Drugs, alcohol, smoking, food, sex, belief in different religious practices, isolating – none of these filled the hole inside me like Jesus. It is only with Him in my life that I will become or am free of what binds me to negativity or held me hostage.

Michelle Rose

Monday, August 3, 2009


Monday, August 03, 2009


Ecclesiastes 9:11, "I returned, and saw under the sun, that the race is not to the swift, nor the battle to the strong, neither yet bread to the wise, nor yet riches to men of understanding, nor yet favour to men of skill; but time and chance happeneth to them all."

It's not that I'm so smart, it's just that I stay with problems longer. ~Albert Einstein

Perseverance is not a long race; it is many short races one after another. ~Walter Elliott, The Spiritual Life

The past few weeks I have had terrible cravings. Ok, I one of the yearnings is for a certain kind of pizza. Each time I do not give in, I am winning a war, if not the whole battle, since the urge becomes weaker each time I say NO! This usually happens late at night, another battle I’m having with myself – staying up very late (or early as the case may be) at night. When taking things away from the body, it’s entirely normal to have cravings for what’s been taken away.

The last couple nights I wanted to go out in the middle of the night to satisfy my yen – it’s like I was pregnant, they were that strong – to either the 24-hour donut place or Ralph’s, which is open 24 hours. I fought back with a cup of vegetarian broth or some fruit. Of course, I don’t like to eat in the middle of the night, but sometimes I do if I’m awake and I feel very hungry. I cannot take my medications on an empty stomach.

Several solutions exist for this problem. First, do more praying than I have been about the Lord taking away the cravings; focus on the Lord, not the food. Second, go to bed earlier, so I can get up earlier. Third, eat my meals earlier. Fourth, eat six smaller meals, rather than 3 larger ones. Fifth, look at shows like Oprah Winfrey, who was talking about the topic of extreme weight. It was very sad and helped me to have more determination to overcome this disease.

Friday I see the nutritionist. I need his help, but I’m happy that I’ve started seeking solutions on my own.

Michelle Rose

Sunday, August 2, 2009

Optical Illusions

Sunday, August 02, 2009

Optical Illusions

“They say to the seers, ‘See no more visions!’ and to the prophets, ‘Give us no more visions of what is right! Tell us pleasant things, prophesy illusions.’”
~Isaiah 30:9-11 New International Version (NIV)~

“Man is the only animal that laughs and weeps, for he is the only animal that is struck with the difference between what things are and what they ought to be.”
~ William Hazlitt, British Essayist~

I enjoy optical illusions, because it takes imagination and a bit of eye adjustment. Sometimes I can’t see the two images, since I do not have 20/20 vision. Life is similar. What I see often is not real; my brain sees what it chooses, then I get anxious. Illusions in life have caused me to eat – it’s mostly fear and mistrust, fear of what I think is real, and not trusting that my Saviour has the situation in hand (He always does).

Situations may not work out the way I want, but within every problem or situation, a solution is always present. Eating over something (which is typical for compulsive overeaters and others with eating disorders) never solved problems, just like when I got drunk to avoid facing a problem. After I’ve eaten compulsively, the problem still exists and must be faced. I heard a line in a movie I watched recently, which goes something like this: When you have a situation you fear, instead of running from it, run straight toward it. I like that. It dispels the situation and moves me into courage and growth. It’s a motto I’ve always had, but never put words to it.

In 12-step programs the acronym for fear is: False Evidence Appearing Real. The other acronym that exists uses foul language and is a coward’s way of looking at situations. Which way I choose on any given day depends on where I focus my sight. If I focus on my God, the choice is simple.

Michelle Rose

Saturday, August 1, 2009


Saturday, August 01, 2009


“You cannot discover new oceans unless you have the courage to lose sight of the shore.”
~Reminisce Magazine~

What does courage have to do with becoming healthy and losing weight? Everything. It is stepping out of known ways to start new habits. It is taking on tasks I’ve never done before. I am looking at life through a new pair of glasses, knowing that what I see will be guiding me to my goal whether or not it appears to relate to it because every experience in life is interconnected.

Today my poetry group started discussing a poetry festival we plan to put on next year and I volunteered to do some things I’ve never done before. Is this a bit scary for me? Of course. Am I going to run away from it? Not on your life. I am losing sight of the shore I’ve been clinging to for most of my life. I’m gaining new experiences for myself. Maybe this won’t be easy, but I’ve never been one to back down from anything challenging.

Michelle Rose