Self-Love: or Who Is My First Best Friend?

This is how I want to feel - happy to be me and in love with who I am!

I'm reading two very good books. Today, I will quote from one of them, It's Not About Food: End Your Obsession with Food and Weight, by Carol Emery Normandi, MFT, and Laurelee Roark, CCHT (Founders of Beyond Hunger, Inc.), from a section called "Understanding Our Inner Critics."

"If a mother looks at her child with critical eyes and focuses only on the bodily imperfections, then the child learns to look at herself in the same manner. As children enter the school system, their peers have another profound impact on how they perceive themselves. Children who are teased because they are different (overweight, different ethnicity, disabled, and the like) incorporate these negative messages into their developing sense of self." The paragraph goes on to say that as we get older, society and the media play into womens' negative self-image.

"These messages and the body hatred we have integrated into our own thoughts and feelings start to affect everything we do and everything we feel about ourselves. Our inner critical voice attacks not only our body but our mind and soul as well. Self-esteem, self-trust, and self-love erodes. The hatred we feel for our bodies soon permeates our whole being." (pg. 27).

When I was first in AA program I learned that alcoholism is a disease of the body, mind, and spirit. Recovery is contingent with maintaining a daily relationship with a Higher Power (as the program calls it, or God).

As with my other addictions, God is the most important part of my recovery. Without Him, nothing else follows. I have done so much work to overcome my other addictions and to grow as a Christian. I feel this is the one thing that separates me from serving God as an effective servant and Him granting me the answers to some of my prayers. When I am in my eating disorder, I am separated from God.

The actions I'm taking now to not only learn about this disorder, but work my way to recovery are the most stringent I've ever taken. I want to recover and I'm doing everything I can to ensure that. Praise God for being so patient with an imperfect me. He who is perfect loves me just as I am, but loves me too much to leave me this way. He knows the pain I feel physically, emotionally, and spiritually. He is on my side and will help me love myself for the first time in my life.

The Start of a New Year and Decade...

Many people make resolutions. I don't, because I don't keep them, instead I have goals. Today when I was reading my AA Daily Reflections book I found the following:

"December 31
Daily Resolutions

The idea of "twenty-four-hour living" applies primarily to the emotional life of the individual. Emotionally speaking, we must not live in yesterday or tomorrow. ~As Bill Sees It, p. 284~

A New Year: 12 months, 52 weeks, 365 days, 8,760 hours, 525,600 minutes--a time to consider directions, goals, and actions. I must make some plans to live a normal life, but also I must live emotionally within a twent-four-hour frame, for if I do, I don't have to make New Year's resolutions! I can make every day a New Year's day! I can decide, "Today I will do this .... Today I will do that." Each day I can measure my life by trying to do a little better, by deciding to follow God's will and by making an effort to put the principles of our A.A. program into action."

Today in a continuing effort to find solutions to my eating disorder, I joined a gym. My therapist suggested it, since I have requested a lap band from my doctor. Well, it's a long process and the insurance company wants the patient to try a weight loss program first. My therapist also gave me other "action plan actions" to accomplish. I have completed most of them or are in the process of doing the other suggestions.

Here's the thing about me joining this gym. It was more expensive then I could afford today. Earlier today, I passed a homeless man and gave him $5.00. Not much, but I'm sure he appreciated it. When I went to the gym, the guy I was talking to realized that I was very serious about my committment to improve my health - it's not just about the weight loss - so he talked to the gym manager. Here's what they did for me: gave me a free month so I could start working on my health goals, and let me decide further down the line about doing the personal trainer program. This company (Gold's) is a heavy duty goal-oriented gym and they even have nutritional counseling.

Sunday, I will start a walking program I discovered online and I will go to the gym for my initial workout, where a trainer develops one for me that will help me. I can also use the facility in downtown LA where they have a swimming pool, which was what my therapist wanted me to find. By going to this gym, I don't have to join a program like WW. It's included in my membership.

I feel good about this coming year. I know it will be a healthier one for me. God continues to bless me.

Michelle Rose

Digging Out

Yeah, this is how I feel sometimes...and it's not a very good feeling. I don't feel tht way now.

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I woke up this morning feeling very angry and somewhat depressed because of certain things that keep happening. So, on this nice, rainy day, I decided to get some of my "Action Plan" goals accomplished.

First, I found an acupunturist a few blocks from me and will call to make an appointment when I'm sure I have the money for the session.

I started a food diary - which as far as I'm concerned is a pain in the hiney. It actually makes me focus more on food, rather than forget about it, but my therapist suggested it, so I'm following what she said.

Then, I looked in to finding the book, The End of Overeating: Taking Control of the Insatiable American Appetite, by David A. Kessler, MD, since it was such a good book and helped me with the methods and psychology behind compulsive overeating. I also got a couple books out of the library yesterday on the subject. One is a workbook.

Another thing I did was sign up for some events for the Pasadena Humane Society's Mobile Adoption Unit.

Last, I cooked a very good dinner - a fried rice recipe (not overly fried, since I cooked the rice first), that has tofu, pineapple, peas&carrots, garlic, and (delicious) ginger in it. I am starting to look for more and more vegan recipes, so that I don't always eat the same things. I've found some excellent ones online.

Tomorrow, I get paid, so I will go to the bank and go out and do some tasks I need to get done, one being going to the gym to check on membership plans. I don't exercise, but spend all day (sometimes) on the computer. Not very good for me either physically or emotionally.

Yes, I know this is typical of everyone to start doing goals at the beginning of the year, but when I talked to my therapist yesterday, she told me that all these things, plus joining a weight loss program (I'm having trouble finding one I don't hate and can afford) is part of the process of getting a lapband to help me lose weight. They want to know that I tried everything I could to lose weight. I'm not just losing weight because I want to be thinner - I started at the beginning of this year doing it for health reasons - lower cholesterol, avoiding a heart attack and developing diabetes. The weight loss is a side benefit. If I develope one of these conditions or die, it won't matter what I weigh.

Now, I'm going to join my cat and watch some tv and then go to bed.

Michelle Rose

Joy of Life

"I define joy as a sustained sense of well-being and internal peace - a connection to what matters." ~Oprah Winfrey~

I woke up this morning in a wonderful mood. I ate breakfast and then left to go to the bank, the pet store, the library, the health food store, and Albertson's (food store). In fact, I didn't just ride there, but took the bus to the bank, then walked from there to the other places, then walked back down again almost to Vermont and Prospect.

As I was walking up the hill to the pet store, library, and healthfood store, I realized that, "Gee, I'm out before 12 p.m. and I'm exercising!"

I was feeling quite well most of the day, then when I was tutoring my student, a ferocious headache descended on me. Still, I was not going to let it ruin my day. I think it happened because of something I ate today. I appear to be getting more sensitive to certain foods.

I finished the book, The End of Overeating: Taking Control of the Insatiable American Appetite, by David A. Kessler, MD. This book examines and approaches compulsive overeating from such a different viewpoint, not only from the point of view of the compulsive overeater, but also the food and diet industries and others. It's an incredible book and has helped me immensely. I am more aware of what I eat and the results of eating certain foods. This, to me, is part of the joy of life, that I have made a breakthrough in something that has controlled me for many, many years.

Haste

Sunday, August 16, 2009

Haste

“Nature does not hurry, yet everything is accomplished.” ~Lao Tzu~

“Never be in a hurry; do everything quietly and in a calm spirit. Do not lose your inner peace for anything whatsoever, even if your whole world seems upset.”
~St Francis de Sales~

I want(ed) everything quickly – to grow up, to get thin, to meet someone to share my life, to make money… etc… Life doesn’t happen that way. When I picked out the first quote, I thought about flowers blooming. I see their beauty revealed as the blossoms open slowly. Right now, my haste is that I want to conquer this eating disorder immediately and it isn’t happening that way.

I overcome one part of the addiction, only to replace it with something equally as annoying or harmful. Yet, I know all the while change happens and my life improves. Just this week, I even had a victory over the extreme pain I had by doing something illogical. I stopped all pain meds. Maybe I think I will find some magic key and the eating disorder will disappear – POOF! Nope, it’s not going to happen that way. It will take every ounce of energy and hard work I can put into my recovery – the hardest of the ones I have. Face it, food is a necessity and tastes good. This isn’t an addiction I can put behind me like alcohol, drugs, inappropriate sex, or smoking.

All I can do is be patient and work to conquer this eating disorder with my focus on the Lord always. My day goes much better when I keep my focus on the Lord. How awesome!

Michelle Rose

August 6-10, 2009

**I'm posting all of the lessons I haven't posted in one day, to catch up quickly for those who would like to read them.

Thursday, August 06, 2009

The Best in Myself

When we seek out the best in others, we somehow bring out the best in ourselves.
~William Arthur Ward~

Wednesday I was on top of the world – everything appeared to be a blessing – then I went to the mail and I had a reality check. I had to file another claim for unemployment. I got upset – not stopping to see the shades of grey in between the white of blessing and the black of feeling punished. I called a friend and he suggested that I just had one more hoop to jump through before the San Francisco trip. I mentioned that it felt like they were rings with flames around them. All day Thursday I tried to get through to refile my unemployment claim, with no luck.

Part 2 continued on Friday.
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Friday, August 07, 2009

Anger: The Worst of Myself

Anger is a killing thing: it kills the man who angers, for each rage leaves him less than he had been before - it takes something from him. ~Louis L'Armour

If a small thing has the power to make you angry, does that not indicate something about your size? ~Sydney J. Harris

Anger is one letter short of danger. ~Author Unknown

I know this appears backwards, but I don’t always learn lessons when I’m patient. The last quote is especially relevant to what happened Friday. I learned one time that if I go to the EDD (Employment Development Department) office, they can sometimes get through to the 1-800 number to file claims. After my appointment with the nutritionist, I went to the office in downtown LA. I tried the number from the phone in the office and got irrationally angry and slammed the phone down. Fortunately, I didn’t get in trouble, but one of the office workers came out and said she’d help me. We talked for a minute and it took her a couple of tries to reach the claims department. She spoke to the rep, explaining the situation, then I filed my claim verbally. It turned out, that since I’d filed the claim online on Thursday, I already had a confirmation number.

So, things worked out. I got upset and angry for nothing. Once again, I reminded myself of the saying that God protects drunks and fools. I may not be a drunk, but anger certainly makes me a fool.
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Saturday, August 08, 2009

Preparation

Do what you can, with what you have, where you are. ~Theodore Roosevelt

I am driving to San Francisco on Monday with friends to spend a week with them at poetry readings. Normally, I’d have already been packed by now, but I haven’t even started. Today I went to the bank and did a bit of shopping for food to take on the trip, so we don’t have to eat at restaurants. Then, I was either going to do laundry or some cleaning – I did neither – but watched the dvd, The Curious Case of Benjamin Button. That’s the energy I had. Now that it’s later, I’ve decided to go to Ralph’s, like I planned earlier. It’s cooler out and I have a little more energy. Tomorrow I can do the laundry, a little cleaning, and pick up my meds at the pharmacy.

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Sunday, August 9, 2009

Difficult Decisions

"We all carry around so much pain in our hearts. Love and pain and beauty. They all seem to go together like one little tidy confusing package. It's a messy business, life. It's hard to figure--full of surprises. Some good. Some bad." ~Henry Bromel, television producer~

I've had much pain in my life. Some of it led to incredible opportunities after I worked through it. Today I was in enormous physical pain that no matter what I did, it never went away. In addition, I experienced extreme muscular pain and weakness and exhaustion, making it difficult for me to do even the one task I set for myself - laundry. In light of the way I felt, I decided not to go on the poetry tour to San Francisco. In my heart I was sad, but I knew I made the best decision for myself, since feeling like I did (and I have), I would not be able to keep up with the pace of the tour. This tour will not be the last one, nor will I feel this way forever. More opportunites for tours and vacations will arise and when they do, I will be ready for them physically, emotionally, and mentally. I know that the Lord was telling me that this wasn't the right time to force my body to do what it wasn't ready to do.

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Monday, August 10, 2009

Never Too Late

“It is never too late to be what you might have been.” ~George Eliot (Mary Anne Evans), English novelist~

“Wisdom is knowing what to do next; virtue is doing it.” ~David Starr Jordan, The Philosophy of Despair, US biologist, educator, & ichthyologist (1851 - 1931) ~
I have often mentioned to others that I am not a success. I am 60, but my life is not over by any means. I did a search of famous people who achieved success late in life. Some people are very recognizable, while others may not be. Below is a short list of people who show that never giving up led to their success:

“Anna Mary Robertson "Grandma" Moses was in her 70s when she began painting scenes of her rural life in upstate New York.

When she was just months shy of her 50th birthday, Julia Child collaborated on her first French cooking book, a two-volume set titled Mastering the Art of French Cooking.

Colonel Sanders of finger lickin’ good chicken fame, had a difficult start in life but early on realized he had a creative cooking talent. However it was not until he was in his 60s that he started KFC and became a millionaire.

Laura Ingalls Wilder wrote about her family's life in the 1870s and 1880s in the acclaimed The Little House on the Prairie series of books for children. She published her first book at the age of 65.”

References quoted and paraphrased from: http://www.eldr.com/blogs/creativity-matters/when-creative-success-comes-later-life

What this shows me is that everything I have done so far relates to future success in my health, creativity, achievements and in all areas of my life. I may not become as famous as the people I mentioned above, but I will achieve the success of accomplishment. I measure success in being faithful to God and in the work I do to achieve my goals.


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Tuesday, August 11, 2009

Healing

“3He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds. 4He determines the number of stars and calls them each by name. 5Great is our Lord and might in power; his understanding has no limit.” ~Ps 147: 3-5 NIV~

I have been brokenhearted many times about so many things. The Lord knows each one of them. He’s healed me, enabling me to move on in my life, often on to something much better. Right now, my heart is still battling with my food addiction. It’s out of control again. The visit to the nutritionist went well, but what I need is continuing support in this addiction. Just as the Lord has numbered and named each one of the myriad of stars in the sky, so has He all the days of my life. I want to win this battle. I want healing from the destructive force of this addiction. I must return to reading the book given to me by one of my friends who receives this daily journal, God Hunger. The author of the book encountered the same battle and won the war.

Once again, I ask you to keep me in your prayers (if you pray) or thoughts (if you don’t). Thank you.

Michelle Rose

Optical Illusions

Sunday, August 02, 2009

Optical Illusions

“They say to the seers, ‘See no more visions!’ and to the prophets, ‘Give us no more visions of what is right! Tell us pleasant things, prophesy illusions.’”
~Isaiah 30:9-11 New International Version (NIV)~

“Man is the only animal that laughs and weeps, for he is the only animal that is struck with the difference between what things are and what they ought to be.”
~ William Hazlitt, British Essayist~

I enjoy optical illusions, because it takes imagination and a bit of eye adjustment. Sometimes I can’t see the two images, since I do not have 20/20 vision. Life is similar. What I see often is not real; my brain sees what it chooses, then I get anxious. Illusions in life have caused me to eat – it’s mostly fear and mistrust, fear of what I think is real, and not trusting that my Saviour has the situation in hand (He always does).

Situations may not work out the way I want, but within every problem or situation, a solution is always present. Eating over something (which is typical for compulsive overeaters and others with eating disorders) never solved problems, just like when I got drunk to avoid facing a problem. After I’ve eaten compulsively, the problem still exists and must be faced. I heard a line in a movie I watched recently, which goes something like this: When you have a situation you fear, instead of running from it, run straight toward it. I like that. It dispels the situation and moves me into courage and growth. It’s a motto I’ve always had, but never put words to it.

In 12-step programs the acronym for fear is: False Evidence Appearing Real. The other acronym that exists uses foul language and is a coward’s way of looking at situations. Which way I choose on any given day depends on where I focus my sight. If I focus on my God, the choice is simple.

Michelle Rose

Replacement Habits

Thursday, July 30, 2009

Replacement Habits

“Habit is a man's sole comfort. We dislike doing without even unpleasant things to which we have become accustomed.” ~Goethe

I am a recovering alcoholic and have been sober for nearly 30 years from drugs and alcohol, but addiction persists in other ways. Today, I received an email from someone who mentioned a problem that I have relating to addiction (and I imagine many others do, too) - that is when I manage to gain control over one type of food or habit, I replace it with another one. It's quite frustrating to me and I often wonder when this chain of events will end. I was in another 12-step program at one point and we used the concept of circles: inner circle behavior was that to avoid; middle circle behavior was questionable, and outer circle behavior was acceptable.

I have been meaning to make a circles chart for the food I can and cannot eat. I did this once early in my emotional recovery for the emotions and behaviors. My therapist at the time showed me how to do it, even before I got in the 12-step program. Foods are neither bad nor good, but are those that I can or cannot eat with normal control. One example is peanut butter. I do not buy it because every time I do, I eat it straight from the jar. Baby carrots are an example of a food I can buy. I have never binged on baby carrots.

I will make doing my circles an assignment to complete before I write my next Lessons from Life - the go one inside each other. It will give me clarity as to where my safety and danger zones are. It is one thing to know in my mind what they are; it’s another to see them before me in black and white.

Michelle Rose

E.G.B.O.K.

(If you look closely, you can see a bee inside the heart of this flower. I was once scared of these fascinating creatures, now I love to take photos of them when they land on flowers.)

Lessons from Life, Friday, March 27, 2009

E.G.B.O.K (Everything's going to be OK)

It’s almost over. Almost. But now I owe the city of LA money since I was an independent contractor for 1 ½ years and have to pay back the money I received to file bankruptcy, but on Monday I will file bankruptcy. Today I went to welfare to turn in my letter from SSA so I can receive my money back to pay for my Medicare. It didn’t take much time to take it away from me, but as is usual with the government, it takes them forever (well, around 2 months to return it).

Part 2…My friend Sharon has pointed out on more than one occasion that I don’t do anything to “treat” myself other than with food and that I don’t let out certain feelings when I’m hurting. How true. I don’t know how to reward myself with anything other than with food – it’s been my “shelter” too long. I hide in what I eat – it’s my way to cope. I’m no longer a practicing alcoholic, but I’ve continued my addiction with food, which is sometimes my way of expressing my feelings. I’ve got quite a bit of work to do on myself, now that I don’t have to concentrate so much on overwhelming problems. I have to relearn how to reward myself and to accept the person I am, other than as a person who is always overstressed and dealing with problems, since that’s who I’ve been for longer than I care to remember.

My gratitude today is that I went to the welfare office and didn’t totally freak out by having a major anxiety attack. I’m also grateful I met a guy – whether he calls or not, it was fun talking to him.

Comforted by my Saviour, Michelle Rose

A Day at Santa Anita Racetrack

Lessons from Life, Friday, February 27, 2009

A Day at Santa Anita Racetrack

Happy the man who finds wisdom, the man who gains understanding!
-- Proverbs 3:13~

Website: Biblical Proverbs

I went to watch the horses run at Santa Anita Racetrack. I love horses. In past years, I remember going to the track and having a wonderful time. Somehow, although I had a good time on Friday, something about the atmosphere there didn’t quite catch my interest as it had in the past.

Later that night, I realized what it was. The one addiction, among my others, that never caught me was gambling, for which I’m grateful. I bet the first race in my mind – the horse won. I had the biggest thrill in this race. In that light, I can understand the thrill of winning when someone bets on a horse and wins – it’s a high like I used to get with alcohol, drugs, sex, and now food (a brief one). The next two races, I bet $2 to win – the horses lost. After that I said, “No more betting.” Of course, the track is in business to have people bet on horses, buy drinks and other refreshments. If others feel comfortable, it’s fine for them; however, I didn’t feel contented in that environment.

The more I thought about it, that night, I realized the racetrack is not an environment where I’m comfortable. And I knew then, even if it were a free admission day, I wouldn’t go back. This environment or entertainment with horses is not one in which I want to be. After that, I felt better.

When I went to school at Mt. San Antonio College with the intention of becoming a veterinary technician, one of my classes visited the W. K. Kellogg Arabian Horse Center (yes, the same Kellogg who makes cereals and other foods). The horses are beautiful! And each month on the first Sunday through May, they have a reasonably priced ($4) horse show. From Hollywood on the bus, it’s a bit of a journey, but an atmosphere that I know I’d enjoy.

Just for anyone’s information (for those who live in SoCal), here’s the website. Cal Poly Pomona Arabian Horse Show

My gratitude today is learning where I’m comfortable and where I’m not.

Under the Wings of God, Michelle Rose

Sometimes I Wonder…

Lessons from Life, Monday, February 23, 2009

Sometimes I Wonder…

When I stand before God at the end of my life, I would hope that I would not have a single bit of talent left, and could say, "I used everything you gave me." ~Erma Bombeck~

This morning started out beautifully. I put on some Sade and while listening to her sing “No Ordinary Love,” I prepared breakfast. While I was doing the dishes before breakfast (from the previous night), I daydreamed about how I wanted to decorate my apartment downstairs when I finally moved into it (it’s still in various stages of construction). When my breakfast was cooked I ate it as I read my email.

If I had shut the computer off when I finished breakfast, the day might have gone better – no it wasn’t a terrible day – jus wasted. Plus the fact, I didn’t eat nutritiously. I had several other quotes picked out, but when I saw this one by Erma Bombeck, it was like a 2 x 4. Eating and wasting time are big problems for me. I didn’t get much done today. Yeah, now am experiencing despair. The food is a major problem for me – very major. I’m not sure what kind of help to seek.

I do not normally do this in my lessons, but I’m asking those of you who read this and pray, to pray for me about this. I’m having a world of trouble giving up the eating which is killing me.

Today, I’m grateful that Sasha has been by my side the whole day, that God loves me even though I have trouble with my eating, that this day is almost over and I can start again tomorrow to attempt to do better with my eating.

In Jesus’ Incredible Love, Michelle