Ups and Downs

Ups & Downs
May 6, 2011

Ok, I haven’t written God’s Tug in quite some time. The truth is that I wasn’t sure if I wanted to continue it. I didn’t feel God tugging at me to write this blog. Yet, so much has happened this week and I wrote to two of the Christian women I know online with this concern. They both emailed me back with great answers. Thank you both.

Downs:
I found out that my psychiatrist might be leaving. I’ve only seen him once and may see him again in June. It’s quite frustrating to see a health care professional, especially once or twice for my emotional disability.
Well, this is a minor down – my iPod bit the dust.
I didn’t have enough money to pay my bills, but I did manage to buy food – quite enough of it to last me for awhile.

Ups:
I finally got my “Blue Dot” training at the Humane Society so I can volunteer with the Mobile Adoption Unit, which I’m doing this Sunday, Mother’s Day.
I’ve been writing quite a number of poems, since I discovered a nice, peaceful place for inspiration.
I’ve been getting cuttings of plants, so I can add more green to my apartment.
The other day when I was shopping in Trader Joe’s, I was sharing with another woman and told her how much I wanted an orchid, but never seemed to have the money. A few minutes later, she came up to me with a purple orchid inside a Trader Joe’s bag, for which she’d paid. I never expected that.

I will continue writing God’s Tug, but it may not be on a daily basis. God continues to call me to write this blog. And through this week I’ve seen His hand in my life no matter what the situation.

One issue I continue to have problems with is being a toxic food dump. It’s something that keeps separating me from God and it’s one of my most difficult addictions to get a handle on. I’ve done all kinds of things. So, I will continue to pray to God for solutions. I ask for prayer for me in this area. Thank you.

May God richly bless you, your family, and your furkids (if you have any).

Michelle Rose

Lessons in Life...

to take throughout this year and beyond.

Several days ago Que sent me a link for these lessons. I did not open the email or link until today. When I did, a sense of serenity washed over me, since I'd heard many of these lessons many times over in my life. I finally managed to find the link on YouTube. They are presented on some beautiful winter scenes. I know I certainly related, remembered, and learned from seeing these again. I hope you will enjoy seeing them also.

Michelle Rose

45 Lessons in Life

Doing for Me

Merry Christmas...from a beautiful kitty...

photobucket.com image

For the most part, I am an independent person, doing things for myself. Sometimes, like today, I give myself over to someone else's care. I treated myself to a massage. My neighbors, my former landlady and her family, own a massage spa. For many years I've been wanting to do this, but allowed someone to talk me out of it. No more. It was such a wonderful experience and I came out of the spa feeling so relaxed and renewed. I still hurt from my fibro, but knots that I had in some areas of my body are now more relaxed and I have less pain. I've had other massages, but never one like this. I was massaged from head to toe. The masseuse's touch was firm but tender. And I know that when I have the money, I am going back for another massage.

One of my friends makes it a regular habit to get a pedicure. It's something she does for herself. Other friends make time for the gym or yoga. For too many years, I have done social activities, but I can't remember when I did an activity just for me. I used to call them "me" days. They were days when I would plan something for the whole day - a trip to the Zoo, the museum, or something I'd been wanting to do but hadn't done it.

I'm not sure when I stopped seeing myself as worthy of being good to myself, but through the years when I was experiencing extraordinary stress, I rarely did anything like this. It's strange, because during those times I needed things like this the most, but never had the money to do them. Now, it's not to say that I didn't do things. I learned that if I volunteer for places, like the Humane Society, I not only have fun with animals, I get into many activities free.

If God stopped treating me as a loved child, I wouldn't think much of Him, would I? So, even with the lack of money, it's hard to understand why I'd treat His creation - me - that way.

Michelle Rose

Some Days...

just have the feeling that God has sent his angels to watch over me.

Photobucket.com image by loveej

just have the feeling that they are going to go right from the minute I open my eyes. Today was one of them. It's not that everything went right, but it had a smooth feeling to it. My landlord brought me over a new tv, a larger one than the one I had. All the people on the tv are the right color; they're not purple, green, or blue. I paid my phone bill, even though I had to pay an extra $5 because I had to do it with an agent. I dealth with DPSS (Dept. of Social Services) and I didn't get totally upset. I asked for further explanation when I didn't understand something and they were very patient and cleared my confusion. I didn't realize I had MediCal all this time, but I did. So now I just have to send in some paperwork once I receive it for my redetermination. Then I went out shopping and to a late lunch/early dinner.

I have learned to go with the flow, even when it's not exactly smooth. I have waited a very long time for my live to be like it is now and I wake up and go to bed grateful everyday for the God that loves me and blesses me as He does. How could I not believe in the Lord, when I see the miracles He showers me with? Even when things are challenging, He blesses me. Today is one of those days that I truly believe that God is good all the time, because even the pain I had yesterday is gone. Last night while I was watching tv, my cat, Sasha, was going beserk, playing with her catnip mouse. Suddenly my pain didn't appear so bad. God sent me laughter in the midst of my pain.

Michelle Rose

When Life Hurts

This morning the lesson from Charles Stanley was about when unfair things happen in life and what part God plays in it and why He might have. When bad things happen to me, I blamed God and was very angry at Him. But later I find out that there was a lesson in it for me. Right now I'm in quite a bit of physical pain. I'm not sure what the lesson is, but I know I won't stay on the computer for very long. So for me, the lesson is to cut my time on the computer short and go to bed early to get a good night's sleep.

Michelle

It's Just as Easy...

Photo from photobucket.com by DragonitesLair

The lines from an old Bob Dylan song keep running through my mind. I've heard them so many times, but for some reason, when I heard them tonight, I had an "aha" moment. The verse is from "My Back Pages."

"In a soldier's stance, I aimed my hand
At the mongrel dogs who teach
Fearing not that I'd become my enemy
In the instant that I preach
My pathway led by confusion boats
Mutiny from stern to bow.
Ah, but I was so much older then,
I'm younger than that now."

When I was substitute teaching, I'd joke with the students that one day
they might one day be on the other side of the desk and face themselves in a classroom. I know that's true of me, since I remember what a tough time I gave some of my teachers. It's not only true in the classroom, but in any part of life.

I recall how I escalated emotionally in the early stages of my disability before my psychiatrist found the right medication combination to level the chemical imbalance. I could be very mean. I also remember that I learned to control my emotions and not react to every situation, so as not to get in trouble like I did. So in aiming "my hands at the mongrel dogs that teach" it came back at me later.

About a year ago, I went to a yoga place in Hollywood, since they have great food there. One time I saw a sign, the essence of the saying being, if you want to learn something, teach it. This can apply not only to academics, but also to relationships or behaviour. The bottom line of what I finally learned when I became my own teacher is that it's just as easy to be nice as it is to be nasty or mean. And, the results are much better.

Michelle Rose

Rainy Days and Mondays...

A funny kitty... and something I've asked too many times.


Today started out rather strange (and continued that way for awhile)... I got ready early for the transport to come pick me up for my psychiatrist's appointment. Thinking it would be a quick trip, and the fact that I didn't have time to take a shower, I washed up a bit and threw some clothes on. In "never" rains in California, but it sure did today and I was at the doctor's office from 11:15 until around 2 pm. So I had to cancel my tutoring appointment. I could have rescheduled, but I needed a new prescription for my medications. By the time I arrived home it was nearly 3 pm and I had to eat lunch.

Ok, the rest of the day I just messed around on the computer. I also canceled my internet and landline services with AT&T, but still have my cellphone. Then, I tried to pay as much of the bill as I could afford. Nothing doing, AT&T wanted much more than I have. So, I'll have to call them tomorrow and explain the situation and probably have to pay additional $5 to pay what I can afford to an operator.

Right now my cat, Sasha, is giving me messages that she wants me to get off the computer and go sit in bed with her. She can be such a nag. ;-)

Well, I made it through today. Thank God! Tomorrow is another day.

Michelle Rose

Going Beyond My "Borders"

Image from photobucket.com by marysiadat_2008

I usually don't like to go places that are too far from where I live, especially if I haven't been there before. That's not to say I don't do it. I did it today. I went to an AA meeting way out on the far end of the Sunset Strip. I heard a wonderful speaker and some terrific sharing. The ironic part was that the meeting was above a bar in a room where there was another bar. But, it felt so good to be in that room with other sober alcoholics.

The thing is, with the freedom I have in my life being sober, being a Christian, being creative, and more, I can break free of many of the borders, or more like "prison" walls, that were holding me back, always of my own making. I'm not sure what happened to change my fear. Secluding myself within the walls of my apartment became boring and the fear fed on itself as a continuing cycle.

I thank God for the personal and emotional freedom that I feel and can exercise. Even though I'm still not going all the places I plan to go because I still have a bit of fear holding me back, I've broken out of something that was extremely difficult to change.

Backing Up a Little

Image from Photobucket by Sheul12

Tuesday, December 1, 2009

Today I was supposed to go to a poetry reading, but never made it. Why? I got too involved in being on my computer. Sometimes I don't like this infernal machine very much, but, of course, it's part of life - for work, communication, fun, and other jobs.

I remember the days without a computer. I did other things - went to the park, the zoo, or watched tv. On the days that I have to go out, I'm almost relieved that I won't be near my computer for a whole day. What a nice break. Yet, I'm grateful I have it.

Yes, these lessons are a bit backward and I could not figure out how to rearrange them. But, then again it really doesn't matter, does it. Everyone got to read this message on a means of communication that is supposed to make our lives simpler, but doesn't always.

Bless all of you today and enjoy this photo of one of God's amazing works, Northern Lights.

Michelle Rose

Lessons for the Tutor

Image from Photobucket by Odreamy4me

December 1, 2009,
Tuesday

On Wednesday I found out that I lost one of my students, meaning I no longer tutor him. Naturally, I was very upset about it, since I'd worked very hard to make a connection with him and find out just how to get him interested in what I was teaching him.

I later found out that it wasn't because of my teaching style, but because the mother didn't want me teaching her son because I couldn't speak Spanish. I am going to miss tutoring this student, since we were beginning to have fun with the lessons.

When I tutor, I put more than 100% effort into how I tutor. I have had students in the past whom I could not get interested in working with me, no matter what I did, but we went through the whole number of hours assigned for the semester. And I learned lessons from the students - about what and what not to do.

Ok, I've moved on from this experience. It may or may not happen again, and as my coordinator said, I'm not the only tutor that has had this experience. The thing that I realize is that my God has something else for me, which will probably be even better. He takes care of me and I trust that He will always do that because that's what He promised me.

Note: Also, if you like these lessons and want to pass them on to others, please feel free to do so. I thank everyone for the comments they make on them.

Michelle Rose

Children and Challenges

I tutor a very challenging 6th grader. He gets bored very easily, so in the past couple sessions, I've been challenging him more. We work on the lessons that I'm supposed to teach him, but I do it slightly differently. Here is where my creativity comes in handy. I've always been able to be spontaneous and ad lib in my stories and examples to my students. With this student, it helps so much because I can see him becoming more interested and wanting to work through the lesson.

I am not a parent, nor do I have children of my own, but I've learned from my other students what can awaken their interest and what makes them bored. Sometimes it takes a bit of searching to see how to get through to a student. I've had my "failures" in the past, but these are only lessons to me, helping me with new students.

If anyone had asked me when I was younger what I wanted to be when I got older, I would never have said a tutor. I wanted to work with animals, but I found out I didn't want to do that as a job, only as a volunteer. I love what I do and the challenge each new student presents to me as a tutor. Finding my niche in life was so important to me, but no matter how much I searched, I couldn't find one. When I stopped looking, God put me where He wanted me. Now, how amazing is that? I'd say quite amazing!

Asking and Caring

Photobucket Image by Speigel16

Have you ever asked that question that many people take for granted? Yes, the one for which we only expect a cursory answer. You know the one I mean? It rolls off our lips like winning coins coming out of a slot machine. The question is "How are you?"

Most of the time the answer is a one-word or less fly-by: "Fine," "Ok," "Lousy," or something of that nature. I have one online friend, who when I ask that question goes into great detail. Now, I know to expect this, but I'm also interested in how this friend really is doing at the moment. We've talked online and sometimes on the phone quite a number of times, so I know the situation.

I've often given detailed answers to this question, because sometimes a simple answer won't do and life (mine or anyone else's) can be complicated, rather than requiring a simple answer. If I didn't care about how my friends are, I wouldn't ask. Fortunately, I mostly have the time to listen to this friend and we can discuss what's happening in both our lives in detail. Maybe we can't help solve any situations at the time, but sometimes just talking things out and having someone listen helps.

I know when I was going through the challenging times where nothing appeared simple, I was very grateful for those who listened to me. I was also grateful they encouraged me to adopt a positive attitude no matter what events I was experiencing. Maybe friends will get tired of hearing you talk about the same thing if it goes on for too long (well, some aren't like this), but one sure thing is that God never tires of listening to us. And, He not only listens, He makes a way where there is none. How do I know this is true? Because it happens in my life over and over again.

So, next time you (or I) ask someone "How are you?" be prepared for an honest answer.

Peace...

Photobucket Image by KimCandy2

I always imagine peace to be someplace where it's quiet, like beside a rocky stream in the woods with no people around and just the sounds of nature to soothe me. Yes, that's peace. But from my experiences peace can be found in the middle of a crisis or a noisy, crowded place (I'm thinking a sidewalk in NYC). ;-)

It can even be found in the middle of heartbreak. I remember several years ago when I was living in a place where I was very unhappy and lost both my cats I'd had for a very long time within weeks of one another. My heart felt crushed and I was afraid to love, fearing that anyone or anything I did love, well, that something bad would happen to them. Someone I was very good friends with then reassured me - many times over - that this was not true. Even in the middle of this I managed to find peace - it may have been temporary, but I still found it.

Now years later and after going through many more crises after, I understand that peace - something I heard years ago - is not separation from the storm, but in the midst of it. Not easy to do, but once I was sure of my faith in God, it became more of a certain feeling, because He is my peace.



Photobucket Image - Icons

The Difference One Day Makes

From Photobucket by Merileebrooke

Commentary: Today everyone gave thanks for all kinds of things. Tomorrow many shoppers will battle each other to grab at items so they can save a few dollars for Christmas.

Is this what God intended when His only Son was born? Somehow I can't believe that this is the Spirit of Christmas that the Lord wants us to feel. Jesus was born to save us from the death sin brings. Although it is better to give than receive, Christmas (which means the Birth of Christ), is not about mob scenes at 4 am to buy the best present for someone. Christmas is the celebration of the Birth of Christ, our Lord and Saviour.

I, for one, do not intend to be apart of this scary, yearly tradition, which I would love to see outlawed. Where in the tradition of Christmas does it say that it includes the insanity and greed of Black Friday. Nowhere.

We now return to our regularly scheduled program and pray for the safety of anyone who chooses to participate in Black Friday.

Michelle Rose

Ripples of Peace

Images from photobucket.com by Laurieanon.


"If I live in peace and peace lives in me -- I am a tiny stone plopped into an ocean -- My existence makes only small ripples -- But as my motion moves it joins with others -- Each touching makes the disruption grow -- Until the many tiny ripples become a tidal wave -- To wash away the beachfronts of fear and hate."   ~Chrystine Julian, a California poet and musician~

I don't know if Chrystine coined this quote herself or found it somewhere, but it certainly gives me pause to think about how I act and what the results are. Today my 6th grade math student really tested my patience, since she was up and down all through the 2 hour session. I let her slide a little bit, but I really wanted to superglue her to the seat. This was an example of just keeping quiet most of the time, but letting Adrianna (my student) know in a calm way what I expected of her.

The same is true for how I relate to other people. I see so many things that people do that just don't make sense. Mostly, it's not my place or business to say anything, so I keep quiet. Yet, I notice that when I'm at peace, it shows to others and they react in kind. Everyday, I do what I can to say something nice to someone - a small compliment, a little help when I see they need it, or just smiling at someone. I've gotten some very good reactions, but even if I don't, I know I feel good inside from my effort. Isn't this what God wants us to do? Relate to others in the way He says in the Bible, to love others as we love ourselves. Isn't this the way of peace?  

Freedom

"The roots of true achievement lie in the will to become the best that you can become."  ~Harold Taylor~

As I was walking home from the farmers' market today, I thought about freedom. Freedom comes in many forms - personal, physical, mental, financial, emotional, and governmental (and probably more). I have learned quite a bit about freedom in my life with the experiences I've had and the lessons these experiences have taught me. I don't smoke, drink, or use drugs, so I have freedom from substance abuse. I don't drive a car, so I have financial freedom from the expense of owning one. I don't own a house, so I don't have the expense of upkeep and repair. I don't eat certain foods, so I've lowered my risk of certain diseases.

Yet aside from all of this, when I think about freedom, it goes much deeper than that. I think true freedom comes from within - from the way I look at life and how I process my environment. I don't have to own many of the material possessions that some people feel equate freedom - and to them they might and that's ok. Although I do have certain possessions in my life and they help, freedom comes from the beauty I see around me, a God in my life and His love, good memories of times like yesterday - a bunch of poets and teachers having dinner after a poetry reading, or being in a quiet apartment with my cat next to me. Freedom is an abstract concept although it can have concrete manifestations.

Most of all, freedom is looking back from where I've come to where I am now and not worrying about where I'll be going, since I know that's not in my hands, but in the hands of someone greater than I am.

The following is a poem I wrote about a picture I saw online for another project I'm writing poems for - the return of people to the internment camp at Manzanar. One photo struck me particularly. Maybe this is what started my thinking about freedom.

pierced heart

in darkness my heart
is pierced by that from
which i can't escape

an unwilling
prisoner of hate
not because of what

i am only because
my association with
events make me who i am

free me to love again
as i once did unwrap
this wire from my spirit
 

Joy of Life

"I define joy as a sustained sense of well-being and internal peace - a connection to what matters." ~Oprah Winfrey~

I woke up this morning in a wonderful mood. I ate breakfast and then left to go to the bank, the pet store, the library, the health food store, and Albertson's (food store). In fact, I didn't just ride there, but took the bus to the bank, then walked from there to the other places, then walked back down again almost to Vermont and Prospect.

As I was walking up the hill to the pet store, library, and healthfood store, I realized that, "Gee, I'm out before 12 p.m. and I'm exercising!"

I was feeling quite well most of the day, then when I was tutoring my student, a ferocious headache descended on me. Still, I was not going to let it ruin my day. I think it happened because of something I ate today. I appear to be getting more sensitive to certain foods.

I finished the book, The End of Overeating: Taking Control of the Insatiable American Appetite, by David A. Kessler, MD. This book examines and approaches compulsive overeating from such a different viewpoint, not only from the point of view of the compulsive overeater, but also the food and diet industries and others. It's an incredible book and has helped me immensely. I am more aware of what I eat and the results of eating certain foods. This, to me, is part of the joy of life, that I have made a breakthrough in something that has controlled me for many, many years.

Life's Boomerangs

"The game of life is the game of boomerangs. Our thoughts, deeds and words return to us sooner or later, with astounding accuracy."  ~Florence Shinn~
 
Sometimes I say or do things, then afterwards wonder why I did or said them. My thoughts and words are usually under pretty much control, but tonight, something I said came back to me. Embarrassment is what I feel at being a bit loose lipped and saying what I should not have said.
 
I think the situation will work out ok. Sometimes the passage of time helps situations resolve themselves. Other times they haven't. In those cases, I just have to let go of the people, places, or things that don't work out and move on.

Before and After

This morning in reading my morning meditation - the scripture reading - from Charles Stanley's In Touch, I saw a picture of myself. Not that I didn't know what I was like before, but it said it so plainly that I am grateful that I am a Christian.

Galatians 5:19-26

19 The acts of the sinful nature are obvious: sexual immorality, impurity and debauchery; 20 idolatry and witchcraft; hatred, discord, jealousy, fits of rage, selfish ambition, dissensions, factions 21 and envy; drunkenness, orgies, and the like. I warn you, as I did before, that those who live like this will not inherit the kingdom of God.

22 But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, 23 gentleness and self control. Against such things there is no law. 24 Those who belong to Christ Jesus have crucified the sinful nature with its passions and desires. 25 Since we life by the Spirit, let us keep in step with the Spirit. 26 Let us not become conceited, provoking and envying each other.

Charles Stanley says: "The key to living a life of joy, peace, and victory is found in Galatians 5. Notice that I did not say a life without conflict or one free of temptation, trial, or heartache. Those are part of the human condition. But we can triumph through the power of the Holy Spirit.

In fact, today's passage makes clear how vital it is for believers to life a Spirit-filled life."

When I think about the before me, it is evident to me why not only did people not like myself, but I didn't like myself either. Now, self-love has not come immediately and in a big rush. It has taken many years of belonging to Christ (and many, many changes in my life) for me to get to the point where I like myself just as I am, looking like the Michelin tire (wo)man or Pillsbury dough girl and all. ;-) But God does not look at my outsides. He created me with love.

Yes, it took quite a long time to love God's creation (me) the way HE (emphasis mine)  sees me. But I do and I less and less I allow others' perception of me (the negative ones) to influence how I feel. God loves me, He shows me how He loves me. I am becoming (the after me) the person God wants me to become.  

A Magical Day

Today I spent a whole day with cats, dogs, and birds. Well, I wasn't with all of them, but they were at a big event sponsored by Best Friends Animal Sanctuary. Many of you know how much I love animals. I have so many reasons.


Animals
- are God's creatures
- helped me when I was first diagnosed with my emotional disability
- love unconditionally
- expect nothing in return for their love (oh, but we give them so much anyway)
- are therapeutic (for eomtional and physical disabilities)
- understand when we feel happy or sad
- have emotions just like we do
- help me learn some of life's lessons


Ok, I could go on, but those of you who love and/or have animals understand what I'm talking about. When I look at Sasha or some of the animals I work with at the shelter, or other animals in my life, I see God's handiwork. Of course, some animals, like my neighbor's dog, Buddy, aren't so friendly, yet I still see a creature God created. If I didn't see the unbeautiful along with the beautiful, then I would not be looking at life with open eyes. And many times, my work with animals and just being with animals helps me to get along with and understand people. Maybe not everytime, but the lessons are there.


I'm blessed to have Sasha in my life and all the other cats and animals that have been in my life and are now gone. This is one way God's shown me that He loves me.