Mothers

Mothers
May 7, 2011

Hannah’s Prayer of Praise

1 Then Hannah prayed: “My heart rejoices in the LORD! The LORD has made me strong. Now I have an answer for my enemies; I rejoice because you rescued me. 2 No one is holy like the LORD! There is no one besides you; there is no Rock like our God. 1 Samuel 2:1-2

I have to admit, I could not remember who Hannah was; I had to look it up. She could not have any children by her husband, Elkanah. His other wife, Peninnah cruelly tormented Hannah. Now, Hannah and her husband went each year to Shiloh so they could worship God. One year she prayed she prayed, "Dear God, if You will only give me a son, I will give him back to You, to serve You all his days." God wasn’t about to deny such a woman who was this faithful to Him. A son was born to Hannah. She named him Samuel and he became a great king.

Being a mother is an important job. One, or so I’ve heard from my friends who are mothers, that is the toughest one in the world. I’ve never been a mother, but I remember all the things that mine did for me, even when I was a less-than-grateful child or adult. She taught me so much and while I did not agree with all her beliefs, I respected my mother for her love through my whole life – even until her last days on earth.

Here is a poem I’ve written about my Mother. I miss her so much. And to all you mothers reading this – I wish you a very Happy Mother’s Day.

Michelle Rose

In Praise of My Mother
Mary Frances Angelini
b. 7/4/1920 – d. 2/19/2000

I’m sure some days
you wondered who I was.
And you may have asked yourself,
Was I the daughter
that you carried for nine months?
Was I the baby that you so lovingly
raised to adulthood?

No, we didn’t always get along,
but there were times we laughed
and cried together over silly,
situations in our lives.

Mom, this poem is challenging
for me to write, since you can’t
read it. It’s difficult, too, since
you can’t see what kind of adult
I’ve become or whether I learned
any of the lessons you taught me.

Maybe your way of encouraging me
to succeed didn’t use the words
I wanted to hear, but you never
stopped believing in me.
.
I want you to know
I’ve become an adult
of whom you’d be proud.
I write poetry
I keep the precepts you taught me
I love plants and gardening
I remember the good times
when you were alive.

If I could say one thing to you now,
it would be that you did a good job
of raising me.
I hope you are proud
of the daughter you bore
and named because it sounded
musical. I hope that the angels
surround you with music that
pleases your ears.

My Mind and My Body

My Mind and My Body
April 8, 2011

My whole being, praise the Lord and do not forget all his kindnesses. He forgives all my sins and heals all my diseases. He saves my life from the grave and loads me with love and mercy. He satisfies me with good things and makes me young again, like the eagle.
Psalm 103:2-5 NCV

So many things have been going through my mind lately about what I look like. I’m not happy with my body image and my weight. I don’t feel at my best, knowing I’m at risk for health issues. Some time ago, I told my doctor I was interested in the lap band to help me lose weight, but after watching a Dr. Oz show I taped where they covered the subject of lap bands, I’m not so sure I want the surgery anymore. Yet, I know this is not an answer, only a help in losing weight. I have so much trouble controlling what I eat – I’m a compulsive overeater. Now that I’m unemployed or will be soon, I don’t know what I can afford to help me lose weight. I don’t believe in dieting. I do have a gym/heath club to which I can return, now that I’m feeling better.

Ok, here’s the big issue – my mind is in the way – of eating correctly, of getting to the gym, of doing so many things that would help me. I keep wondering what’s wrong with me (well, other than my compulsive overeating) and why I have this fear of moving forward. This verse is perfect – it lets me know that I’m not alone, so why do I feel this way?

I saw a new psychiatrist today and he adjusted my medications to help me with the depression part of my bi-polar disorder. Wow, he asked me all kinds of questions. I like him much better than the NP, so I’m going to continue with him even though I have to pay for the visits. Maybe if I can get my depression under control, then it will help me become more willing to keep away from my emotional/stress eating of junk food. I’m not looking for a quick fix, just some help getting out of this rut I’ve been stuck in for more than half a year. I’m tired of it. Praise God for loving me the way He does, because I sure haven’t been so in love with myself lately. Sigh…

God’s blessings upon you, your families, and your furkids (if any),
Michelle

Ten Percent

Ten Percent
March 29, 2011

10 “Bring the whole tithe into the storehouse, that there may be food in my house. Test me in this way,” says the Lord Almighty, “and see if I will not throw open the floodgates of heaven and pour out so much blessing that you will not have room enough for it.”
Malachi 3:10 NIV

The following quotes are from www.quotegarden.com

God's promises are like the stars; the darker the night the brighter they shine. ~David Nicholas

Are you wrinkled with burden? Come to God for a faith lift. ~Author Unknown

In this blog, please understand I’m not asking for any advice. I wanted to write about this issue, since it’s been on my mind. This is a matter between God and me. And, I have to work it out and pray for guidance from God to achieve the trust I need to follow this commandment from Him. For several days, Charles Stanley has been talking about finances in relation to the Lord in his magazine In Touch. This has always been a matter in which I’ve never done well in my faith. One of my Christian friends told me that she thinks I have financial problems because I don’t tithe. When I think about it, as I’ve grown in my faith, I know she could be right. The fact that I only have to take 10% from my SSDI or paycheck will not leave me totally out of money. I think I waste more money than this on things I don’t need, like junk food, so why can’t I take out 10%. It’s all a matter of trusting God and being willing to do as He asks so that He will return blessings in exchange for trust and obedience. Ok, that’s great when I’m earning money, but right now I’m unemployed, so no money is coming in. And yes, I have the standard qualm about, well, how am I going to pay the bills? Needless to say, I’ve lived pretty much below the poverty line much of my life – yes, the old paycheck-to-paycheck lifestyle. So, tonight I sold something for $5.00. Well, 10% is only fifty cents. Wouldn’t now be a good time to start tithing? In the coming days I will spend more time in prayer about tithing, asking God to help me trust Him more. Maybe the Lord put this issue on my mind because He wants me to move beyond it.

The Lord's Blessings

Ok, my friends. I have my correct website/blog online for you. My brain has been a bit fuzzy and I didn't post the correct one - http://mylessonseachday.blogspot.com I think the Lord has been wanting me to write about this verse for sometime now, since the bookmark with the benediction on it kept falling out of my KJV Bible. Well, that's why I call this blog God's Tug.

Blessings to all of you.

Michelle Rose


The Lord’s Blessings

March 27, 2011



The Lord bless you and keep you; The Lord make His face shine upon you, And be gracious to you; The Lord lift up His countenance upon you, And give you peace. Numbers 6:24-26 KJV

As a child when I attended a Presbyterian church with my parents in Livingston, NJ, the minister would use this verse as the benediction after the church service. I didn’t know until I was much older and had moved from NJ that it was from the Bible. All these years, it has followed me and entered my mind as a promise from the Lord to watch over me. I have it on a small plastic bookmark that is in my King James Version of the Bible. Just as the words soothed me as a child, they still soothe me now. It’s so amazing that the Lord loves me so much He’s watched over me all these years – from childhood to adulthood. Each part of this verse is written to show just how much the Lord loves His people – blessing, keeping, shining, graciousness, lifting up, and peacefulness. What wonderful promises. I know for me, I will love the Lord until I see Him face to face and then even more. He has watched me all my life and will continue to do so. The Lord has blessed me. Hallelujah!

Empathy or Sympathy?

"...I'm holding out my only candle, but it's so little light to find my way..." ~Jackson Browne, "Song for Adam"~

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Ecclesiastes 7:3 "Sorrow is better than laughter: for by the sadness of the countenance the heart is made better." (KJV)

I don't think by this verse, the writer (Solomon?) meant that I am to be sad all the time. My thoughts are that he meant that when I am sad, I empathize with others, that I can feel their pain. Ok, this is just my interpretation, so I could be wrong.

For some reason I'm very deeply affected by several events (among others) going on right now which are not in the direct circle of my life. One is the tragedy of the earthquake in Haiti. The other is that one of my friends is doing what he can to find a home for his mother's cat a home. His mother recently died and he's unemployed. The two events have nothing to do with each other, but for some reason I feel them deeply.

I have the disability of manic-depression and one of the characteristics of it is that I have the ability to see more than one side of a situation. I've written about it before - it's like a heightened perception. I have always perceived others' sadness or pain as a part of myself - I can feel it. I feel especially powerless since I can only pray for the situation in Haiti. But, for my friend's cat, I've been checking as many resources as I know of to see about finding the kitty a home.

Today, I think my lesson is that I can only do what I can. If all I can do is pray, then this is the job God has given me to do. I accept that.

Michelle Rose

The Dash

I was trying to think about what to write today, when in the process of catching up with my email, I came across this movie Everett (for those of you who know him) had sent me. This covers so much, I decided to use it for my lesson today, since it certainly has me thinking. Maybe some have seen this before, or something like it. But, it's never too late, no matter what your beliefs, to think about your life before it's over.

The Dash Poem Movie

Self-Love: or Who Is My First Best Friend?

This is how I want to feel - happy to be me and in love with who I am!

I'm reading two very good books. Today, I will quote from one of them, It's Not About Food: End Your Obsession with Food and Weight, by Carol Emery Normandi, MFT, and Laurelee Roark, CCHT (Founders of Beyond Hunger, Inc.), from a section called "Understanding Our Inner Critics."

"If a mother looks at her child with critical eyes and focuses only on the bodily imperfections, then the child learns to look at herself in the same manner. As children enter the school system, their peers have another profound impact on how they perceive themselves. Children who are teased because they are different (overweight, different ethnicity, disabled, and the like) incorporate these negative messages into their developing sense of self." The paragraph goes on to say that as we get older, society and the media play into womens' negative self-image.

"These messages and the body hatred we have integrated into our own thoughts and feelings start to affect everything we do and everything we feel about ourselves. Our inner critical voice attacks not only our body but our mind and soul as well. Self-esteem, self-trust, and self-love erodes. The hatred we feel for our bodies soon permeates our whole being." (pg. 27).

When I was first in AA program I learned that alcoholism is a disease of the body, mind, and spirit. Recovery is contingent with maintaining a daily relationship with a Higher Power (as the program calls it, or God).

As with my other addictions, God is the most important part of my recovery. Without Him, nothing else follows. I have done so much work to overcome my other addictions and to grow as a Christian. I feel this is the one thing that separates me from serving God as an effective servant and Him granting me the answers to some of my prayers. When I am in my eating disorder, I am separated from God.

The actions I'm taking now to not only learn about this disorder, but work my way to recovery are the most stringent I've ever taken. I want to recover and I'm doing everything I can to ensure that. Praise God for being so patient with an imperfect me. He who is perfect loves me just as I am, but loves me too much to leave me this way. He knows the pain I feel physically, emotionally, and spiritually. He is on my side and will help me love myself for the first time in my life.

The Start of a New Year and Decade...

Many people make resolutions. I don't, because I don't keep them, instead I have goals. Today when I was reading my AA Daily Reflections book I found the following:

"December 31
Daily Resolutions

The idea of "twenty-four-hour living" applies primarily to the emotional life of the individual. Emotionally speaking, we must not live in yesterday or tomorrow. ~As Bill Sees It, p. 284~

A New Year: 12 months, 52 weeks, 365 days, 8,760 hours, 525,600 minutes--a time to consider directions, goals, and actions. I must make some plans to live a normal life, but also I must live emotionally within a twent-four-hour frame, for if I do, I don't have to make New Year's resolutions! I can make every day a New Year's day! I can decide, "Today I will do this .... Today I will do that." Each day I can measure my life by trying to do a little better, by deciding to follow God's will and by making an effort to put the principles of our A.A. program into action."

Today in a continuing effort to find solutions to my eating disorder, I joined a gym. My therapist suggested it, since I have requested a lap band from my doctor. Well, it's a long process and the insurance company wants the patient to try a weight loss program first. My therapist also gave me other "action plan actions" to accomplish. I have completed most of them or are in the process of doing the other suggestions.

Here's the thing about me joining this gym. It was more expensive then I could afford today. Earlier today, I passed a homeless man and gave him $5.00. Not much, but I'm sure he appreciated it. When I went to the gym, the guy I was talking to realized that I was very serious about my committment to improve my health - it's not just about the weight loss - so he talked to the gym manager. Here's what they did for me: gave me a free month so I could start working on my health goals, and let me decide further down the line about doing the personal trainer program. This company (Gold's) is a heavy duty goal-oriented gym and they even have nutritional counseling.

Sunday, I will start a walking program I discovered online and I will go to the gym for my initial workout, where a trainer develops one for me that will help me. I can also use the facility in downtown LA where they have a swimming pool, which was what my therapist wanted me to find. By going to this gym, I don't have to join a program like WW. It's included in my membership.

I feel good about this coming year. I know it will be a healthier one for me. God continues to bless me.

Michelle Rose

Digging Out

Yeah, this is how I feel sometimes...and it's not a very good feeling. I don't feel tht way now.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
I woke up this morning feeling very angry and somewhat depressed because of certain things that keep happening. So, on this nice, rainy day, I decided to get some of my "Action Plan" goals accomplished.

First, I found an acupunturist a few blocks from me and will call to make an appointment when I'm sure I have the money for the session.

I started a food diary - which as far as I'm concerned is a pain in the hiney. It actually makes me focus more on food, rather than forget about it, but my therapist suggested it, so I'm following what she said.

Then, I looked in to finding the book, The End of Overeating: Taking Control of the Insatiable American Appetite, by David A. Kessler, MD, since it was such a good book and helped me with the methods and psychology behind compulsive overeating. I also got a couple books out of the library yesterday on the subject. One is a workbook.

Another thing I did was sign up for some events for the Pasadena Humane Society's Mobile Adoption Unit.

Last, I cooked a very good dinner - a fried rice recipe (not overly fried, since I cooked the rice first), that has tofu, pineapple, peas&carrots, garlic, and (delicious) ginger in it. I am starting to look for more and more vegan recipes, so that I don't always eat the same things. I've found some excellent ones online.

Tomorrow, I get paid, so I will go to the bank and go out and do some tasks I need to get done, one being going to the gym to check on membership plans. I don't exercise, but spend all day (sometimes) on the computer. Not very good for me either physically or emotionally.

Yes, I know this is typical of everyone to start doing goals at the beginning of the year, but when I talked to my therapist yesterday, she told me that all these things, plus joining a weight loss program (I'm having trouble finding one I don't hate and can afford) is part of the process of getting a lapband to help me lose weight. They want to know that I tried everything I could to lose weight. I'm not just losing weight because I want to be thinner - I started at the beginning of this year doing it for health reasons - lower cholesterol, avoiding a heart attack and developing diabetes. The weight loss is a side benefit. If I develope one of these conditions or die, it won't matter what I weigh.

Now, I'm going to join my cat and watch some tv and then go to bed.

Michelle Rose

Doing for Me

Merry Christmas...from a beautiful kitty...

photobucket.com image

For the most part, I am an independent person, doing things for myself. Sometimes, like today, I give myself over to someone else's care. I treated myself to a massage. My neighbors, my former landlady and her family, own a massage spa. For many years I've been wanting to do this, but allowed someone to talk me out of it. No more. It was such a wonderful experience and I came out of the spa feeling so relaxed and renewed. I still hurt from my fibro, but knots that I had in some areas of my body are now more relaxed and I have less pain. I've had other massages, but never one like this. I was massaged from head to toe. The masseuse's touch was firm but tender. And I know that when I have the money, I am going back for another massage.

One of my friends makes it a regular habit to get a pedicure. It's something she does for herself. Other friends make time for the gym or yoga. For too many years, I have done social activities, but I can't remember when I did an activity just for me. I used to call them "me" days. They were days when I would plan something for the whole day - a trip to the Zoo, the museum, or something I'd been wanting to do but hadn't done it.

I'm not sure when I stopped seeing myself as worthy of being good to myself, but through the years when I was experiencing extraordinary stress, I rarely did anything like this. It's strange, because during those times I needed things like this the most, but never had the money to do them. Now, it's not to say that I didn't do things. I learned that if I volunteer for places, like the Humane Society, I not only have fun with animals, I get into many activities free.

If God stopped treating me as a loved child, I wouldn't think much of Him, would I? So, even with the lack of money, it's hard to understand why I'd treat His creation - me - that way.

Michelle Rose

Those %#%@#^#^ Annoying Email

Ok, walk along this fence to a place where chain email disappears. ;-)

photobucket image - bokeh

Ok, this is going to sound a little angry, but it's a "rant" I need to air.

I get them all the time, those email that say "Send this out to 20 people in the next 10 minutes and something amazing will happen to you." I have to scroll down past tons of addresses to see the actual message. Sometimes I send them on because I like the message and think my friends will enjoy them, too. But I've gotten a bit rebellious in not being guilted into sending them on or by forwarding them. I delete all the email addresses. Yes, it is a pain in the hiney to delete them, but I backspace to do it. And, when I send out an email to my friends, I hit reply and send it to one person in the "to" box and then blind copy the rest.

Often, I've deleted them, just because I get tired of the dire consequences they predict if I don't. OH LOOK! I'm still here. I don't mean to insult any of my friends who sends me these email, as I do enjoy them for the most part. Of course, I get in the habit of sending these annoying chain email, too, but I do my best not to make a constant practice of it. Also, I mention in the email I send, there's no stipulation for sending them on. And most times it's not the email content itself that I mind, but the "guilt" message it contains.

When I sent one to my friends, I only picked a few, and delete all the time limits and consequences of not sending the email to anyone else. I want my friends to enjoy what I send, knowing that I sent it to them because I care for them, not them sending the email to countless millions of people.

Well, I guess chain mail has been around for a long time. At least with email, it doesn't cost postage, like it once did. ;-)

Missing the step up on the curb...

The kind of work my Amazing God creates

Photobucket macro image by John_Armstrong

Today when I was on my way to the doctor, the van I was in stopped for some pedestrians to cross the street. One of the pedestrians was a father with a small son. The child was quite interested in everything around him and didn't appear to lift his foot up when he came to the curb. I didn't see what happened, but the child might have tripped.

I thought about what happens when I take my eyes and focus off Jesus. My life becomes a bit less peaceful. I don't handle things that go wrong as well. I pay attention to what leads me away from His voice and love. And I feel downright miserable. As it was, I was not feeling well to day - I was just in pain from hurting my back again and felt quite out of it all day. Still, I wanted to write the lessons I learned today.

In my Father's eyes, I am His child. He's always there to guide me. Even though I'm an adult, my mother told me (when she was alive) that I would always be her child. I knew it was true. And no matter how old I get, I will always be God's child. So, if I keep my eyes on Jesus, my Saviour, I remember to pick my feet up when I get to the curb.

Michelle Rose

It's Just as Easy...

Photo from photobucket.com by DragonitesLair

The lines from an old Bob Dylan song keep running through my mind. I've heard them so many times, but for some reason, when I heard them tonight, I had an "aha" moment. The verse is from "My Back Pages."

"In a soldier's stance, I aimed my hand
At the mongrel dogs who teach
Fearing not that I'd become my enemy
In the instant that I preach
My pathway led by confusion boats
Mutiny from stern to bow.
Ah, but I was so much older then,
I'm younger than that now."

When I was substitute teaching, I'd joke with the students that one day
they might one day be on the other side of the desk and face themselves in a classroom. I know that's true of me, since I remember what a tough time I gave some of my teachers. It's not only true in the classroom, but in any part of life.

I recall how I escalated emotionally in the early stages of my disability before my psychiatrist found the right medication combination to level the chemical imbalance. I could be very mean. I also remember that I learned to control my emotions and not react to every situation, so as not to get in trouble like I did. So in aiming "my hands at the mongrel dogs that teach" it came back at me later.

About a year ago, I went to a yoga place in Hollywood, since they have great food there. One time I saw a sign, the essence of the saying being, if you want to learn something, teach it. This can apply not only to academics, but also to relationships or behaviour. The bottom line of what I finally learned when I became my own teacher is that it's just as easy to be nice as it is to be nasty or mean. And, the results are much better.

Michelle Rose

When Life Has Other Plans

Image from photobucket by Keefers_



I had all kinds of good things planned to do today and had to cancel them all. While I was on my way to an AA meeting this morning I was experiencing quite a bit of pain in my lower back and down my legs. I took the bus to the point where I was supposed to catch another bus to a meeting, but the pain was so bad, I decided to turn around and come home. By the time I arrived back at my street, I had a massive headache where I was very sensitive to light. I didn't want to take any pain pills, so I burrowed under my covers to block the light from my eyes.

I don't know if the headache I got was a migraine, but it certainly felt like one. I fell asleep and about 5 hours later, the pain had abated. Still, I decided to rest in bed.

Today was one of those days when my life took a detour. I had to accept how I felt, realizing I could not do either of my activities. Again, I'm beginning to feel pain, so I'll listen to my body and get off the computer in a few minutes. It appears that pain (physical or otherwise) is a good indicator of action I should take or avoid.

Lessons for the Tutor

Image from Photobucket by Odreamy4me

December 1, 2009,
Tuesday

On Wednesday I found out that I lost one of my students, meaning I no longer tutor him. Naturally, I was very upset about it, since I'd worked very hard to make a connection with him and find out just how to get him interested in what I was teaching him.

I later found out that it wasn't because of my teaching style, but because the mother didn't want me teaching her son because I couldn't speak Spanish. I am going to miss tutoring this student, since we were beginning to have fun with the lessons.

When I tutor, I put more than 100% effort into how I tutor. I have had students in the past whom I could not get interested in working with me, no matter what I did, but we went through the whole number of hours assigned for the semester. And I learned lessons from the students - about what and what not to do.

Ok, I've moved on from this experience. It may or may not happen again, and as my coordinator said, I'm not the only tutor that has had this experience. The thing that I realize is that my God has something else for me, which will probably be even better. He takes care of me and I trust that He will always do that because that's what He promised me.

Note: Also, if you like these lessons and want to pass them on to others, please feel free to do so. I thank everyone for the comments they make on them.

Michelle Rose

And Who Am I Really?

(Yes, this is what I feel like)

Image from Photobucket by Freekittin2000

Yesterday, my friend Don asked me to lead a poetry writing workshop and short meeting for the Poetry Festival we're having next year. Without hesitation I said yes. It's something I've done before, so I know what to do, and the group is made up of people I mostly know, except if some newcomers attend it.

Today I started thinking, "Oh, can I really do this? What if everyone doesn't like the poems I pick or how I lead? (or whatever...)" Then I realized that Don would not have asked me if he didn't have confidence in me and my ability. So, instead of remaining in the fear, I started choosing poems for inspiration. I realized that my fearful feeling and lack of self-confidence is an old one. So, I can kick that critic to the curb!

For most of my life, I've thought of myself as a follower and acted the part. But now, I'm slowly breaking out of that roll and starting in a new one. I can take the lead and feel confident that I will be successful, not just for the workshop but in other areas of my life. God didn't create junk when He made me. He created me as a unique and beautiful creation in His eyes, and that's how I see myself.

Another friend of mine, Jean, said this in a email, "You know, even though we've never met. You've came along ways, doing better, feeling much better about yourself. You're looking, feeling better about things in Life, etc. Being more positive about things too. You have really improve[d] yourself and doing things to better yourself." Thank you so much Jean. You can't imagine how nice that made me feel.

Ok, not everyday is sunshine and roses. I do have my moments when I'm "dark and twisty," but I don't allow myself to stay there. I work at being a positive, upbeat, and confident person. I've learned to be the kind of person who takes lemons and makes lemonade, since I know the ups and downs of life are part of the cycle of each moment through the years. I know who I am more today than I ever did and I like the person I've become.