Empathy or Sympathy?

"...I'm holding out my only candle, but it's so little light to find my way..." ~Jackson Browne, "Song for Adam"~

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Ecclesiastes 7:3 "Sorrow is better than laughter: for by the sadness of the countenance the heart is made better." (KJV)

I don't think by this verse, the writer (Solomon?) meant that I am to be sad all the time. My thoughts are that he meant that when I am sad, I empathize with others, that I can feel their pain. Ok, this is just my interpretation, so I could be wrong.

For some reason I'm very deeply affected by several events (among others) going on right now which are not in the direct circle of my life. One is the tragedy of the earthquake in Haiti. The other is that one of my friends is doing what he can to find a home for his mother's cat a home. His mother recently died and he's unemployed. The two events have nothing to do with each other, but for some reason I feel them deeply.

I have the disability of manic-depression and one of the characteristics of it is that I have the ability to see more than one side of a situation. I've written about it before - it's like a heightened perception. I have always perceived others' sadness or pain as a part of myself - I can feel it. I feel especially powerless since I can only pray for the situation in Haiti. But, for my friend's cat, I've been checking as many resources as I know of to see about finding the kitty a home.

Today, I think my lesson is that I can only do what I can. If all I can do is pray, then this is the job God has given me to do. I accept that.

Michelle Rose

Who's Really in Charge Here?

...yes, she might, but I'll bet God whispers them in her ear.

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Ok, I'm back after a few days of struggling with depression and new realizations. Today, in my morning reading in Charles Stanley's meditation, I found a phrase that fits my life so well. The verse for today was Philippians 4:5, but it's impossible not to read it from verses 4:4-7, then skip down and read Phil. 4:13, 19. The title of today's morning meditation was, "A Reason for Confidence." The sentence I found was, "And sometimes false guilt creeps into our minds and robs of assurance." BINGO!

So, just when I least expected it, I found the answer for a reason for the way I've been feeling much of my life. The question now has an answer. Thank you God! It's true, that the answers are in the Bible.

Today I went out and joined a gym that I'd been a member of before when my insurance company paid for it (but I never went). The monthly membership fee is low enough that I can afford it, even if I don't find work right away. The gym will be my place to be good to myself - an escape for me - a mini-vacation each day I go. I can start working on my health matters.

The other day, with everything that happened, I was so upset that I couldn't stay a member at the other gym I'd joined. AHA! God always has a plan. God knew, and so did I in my heart, I couldn't afford that gym. Ok, ok, I admit it, God's smarter than I am. He knows what's better for my life than I do. I think that's a very good reason to let Him guide me through life and follow what He wants me to do. (Looks up and says, "Ok, I hear you God. I'm listening.")

Michelle Rose

Questions without Answers

I haven't written LfrL every night, since I've been struggling with so many questions in my mind. Here are just a few of the issues I'm grappling with at this point.

~ In my life, I appear to be the only one who ever apologizes for anything, even when someone else hurts me. Does that mean I'm worse than others? Am I such a bad person that I'm the only one who's had to apologize for everything all my life?

~ When someone else hurts me, I'm not supposed to get angry and/or yell at them. Yet, it's ok for them to do this to me. Am I not as good a person as they are or are they just more powerful than I am?

~ Some of the things people say to me, I would never say to them. One thing everyone always has to mention is that I'm fat. DUH! I've lived with being in this condition for 60 years. Do people not realize I know what I look like?

~ I'm 60 years old, but people are still telling me what to do, as if I don't know how to handle my life or I'm a little child (ok, I'm God's child). I'm so tired of this, but don't know how to handle it. Do people think I'm so dumb I can't live without their help?

~ Everyone else appears to have power over me. Is it because I'm a doormat, too nice, or what? So much of the time I feel as if I'm supposed to bend over and kiss their...uh, you know what...toes.

~ One of the few places I feel comfortable is at home - alone with Sasha. Outside my apartment, I feel invisible and feel as if I have to get out of everyone's way. Am I invisible?

I know God has provided the answers to these questions in the Bible, but I'm not finding the answers in my reading. I'm not in the best mood right now. Yes, I've been struggling with depression. Ok, I feel better than I did a few days ago, but it just hurts too much to feel completely happy. It's scary. I'm scared. And I haven't felt this way for a very long time. I'm unsure of myself and what I should be like. It appears most of the lessons I'm learning now are hard ones. Lessons that tell me that no matter what I do, my life will never change; that I'm stuck in a horrible rut that will never release me. Maybe that isn't so, but that's the way it appears. I don't feel as if I'm growing, but dead beneath a ton of snow, struggling to be alive again. And I'm not sure how to do it.

Michelle Rose

Lessons in Life...

to take throughout this year and beyond.

Several days ago Que sent me a link for these lessons. I did not open the email or link until today. When I did, a sense of serenity washed over me, since I'd heard many of these lessons many times over in my life. I finally managed to find the link on YouTube. They are presented on some beautiful winter scenes. I know I certainly related, remembered, and learned from seeing these again. I hope you will enjoy seeing them also.

Michelle Rose

45 Lessons in Life

In the True Spirit of Christmas

The real reason for Christmas!

A Hymn of the Nativity

Welcome all wonders in one sight
Eternity shut in a span
Summer in winter
Day in night
Heaven in earth and God in man.

Great little one whose all-embracing birth
Lifts earth to Heaven
Stoops Heaven to earth.

Richard Crashaw Source: from "A Hymn of the Nativity, sung by the Shepherds," in The
Complete Works of Richard Crashaw, ed. by William Turnbull

This beautiful song was sent to me by a friend. It encompasses everything about this season and this Holy-day in a few short lines. When I read it, the words blew me away. The emotion I feel because of the meaning within them is indescribable.

He is Jesus, born in this season. He is Jesus: our Saviour, friend, healer, love, protection and whatever we need from Him. He is Jesus: the Almighty - God in three persons - the Holy Trinity - Father, Son, and Holy Spirit.

He is Jesus, born of the Virgin Mary. Sent to earth as a tiny helpless baby and knowing the temptations and all that we feel as humans. He is Jesus, born to die to save us from our sins.

Bless all of you, my friends. Merry Christmas.

Michelle Rose

Those %#%@#^#^ Annoying Email

Ok, walk along this fence to a place where chain email disappears. ;-)

photobucket image - bokeh

Ok, this is going to sound a little angry, but it's a "rant" I need to air.

I get them all the time, those email that say "Send this out to 20 people in the next 10 minutes and something amazing will happen to you." I have to scroll down past tons of addresses to see the actual message. Sometimes I send them on because I like the message and think my friends will enjoy them, too. But I've gotten a bit rebellious in not being guilted into sending them on or by forwarding them. I delete all the email addresses. Yes, it is a pain in the hiney to delete them, but I backspace to do it. And, when I send out an email to my friends, I hit reply and send it to one person in the "to" box and then blind copy the rest.

Often, I've deleted them, just because I get tired of the dire consequences they predict if I don't. OH LOOK! I'm still here. I don't mean to insult any of my friends who sends me these email, as I do enjoy them for the most part. Of course, I get in the habit of sending these annoying chain email, too, but I do my best not to make a constant practice of it. Also, I mention in the email I send, there's no stipulation for sending them on. And most times it's not the email content itself that I mind, but the "guilt" message it contains.

When I sent one to my friends, I only picked a few, and delete all the time limits and consequences of not sending the email to anyone else. I want my friends to enjoy what I send, knowing that I sent it to them because I care for them, not them sending the email to countless millions of people.

Well, I guess chain mail has been around for a long time. At least with email, it doesn't cost postage, like it once did. ;-)

Caging a Green-eyed Monster

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Like many people, I go through life with an assortment of mythical animals and monsters perched on and looking over my shoulders. The one that produced the widest variety of raging emotions was the green-eyed monster. It appeared and dugs its claws into my heart when I had the least or lost what I hadn't wanted to give up. You know the one I'm talking about - jealousy. It produced anger, rage, sadness, depression, and a host of other negative emotions and feelings that ripped me up inside and I didn't know how to put back in its cage. I fueled the beast's nastiness within me by looking outside myself at what others had and I didn't. Oh, it just loved to make mincemeat of me, shredding my emotions to the point where I didn't care about life or what I did have. And the strange part is that I wasn't angry at the monster, I was angry at God. I whined and moaned, "Why don't I have this (thing or person) in my life? Why do you have to put me through such a difficult time when that evil person is coasting through life?" I was almost turning myself inside out with jealousy.

I don't know when I began to fuel this emotion less, by looking at what others had and being genuinely happy for them. I also looked at what I had and was truly grateful for God showing His blessings and love on me. Like so many negative emotions, jealousy does nothing to build me up, but happiness for another person's blessings, blesses me and the other person.

Well, sounds a bit strange, doesn't it? How can I be happy for someone who has something I want but don't have. That's the way caging the green-eyed monster works. It's how God wants us to feel toward others. I believe that when the Jews were wandering through the desert for over 40 years, they looked at what they didn't have. They were jealous of those who had homes, water, crops... Did God immediately give them these things? No, but he got very angry at them. God looks at my attitude toward others, whether I'm blessed by others' blessings.

So, while the green-eyed monster shows his face occasionally, I don't buy into his game. Or another way of saying it is that I don't co-sign his baloney. One of my friends calls her ex-boyfriend a "lying sack of baloney," but isn't that what the evil one is, disguised as an emotion?

Missing the step up on the curb...

The kind of work my Amazing God creates

Photobucket macro image by John_Armstrong

Today when I was on my way to the doctor, the van I was in stopped for some pedestrians to cross the street. One of the pedestrians was a father with a small son. The child was quite interested in everything around him and didn't appear to lift his foot up when he came to the curb. I didn't see what happened, but the child might have tripped.

I thought about what happens when I take my eyes and focus off Jesus. My life becomes a bit less peaceful. I don't handle things that go wrong as well. I pay attention to what leads me away from His voice and love. And I feel downright miserable. As it was, I was not feeling well to day - I was just in pain from hurting my back again and felt quite out of it all day. Still, I wanted to write the lessons I learned today.

In my Father's eyes, I am His child. He's always there to guide me. Even though I'm an adult, my mother told me (when she was alive) that I would always be her child. I knew it was true. And no matter how old I get, I will always be God's child. So, if I keep my eyes on Jesus, my Saviour, I remember to pick my feet up when I get to the curb.

Michelle Rose

Leaving the Junkyard

And...this is the way God loves us...

photobucket image by MarcieLee

As I walk to and from the bus stop on my way to and from work, I see furniture that people have thrown out. Most of this furniture is not the best - it's the kind made from particle board, rather than real wood. Now, there's nothing wrong with picking up other peoples' discards - some very good furniture and other items can be acquired this way. It's just that for many years, I never felt myself worthy of new and better items, nor could I afford them. I picked furniture, clothes, all kinds of items off the street, some of which was in questionable condition.

Tonight, when I was walking home from work, I realized something about my doing this, how I saw myself, and how I'd changed. Being overweight and without a relationship, I've often seen myself as less than a quality person. I've always said that God loves me because I know He doesn't make junk. But that's exactly what I allow myself to feel like. The feeling comes and goes. I've changed in that I don't allow myself to stay in the "junk" yard very long. Yes, I had a bad day yesterday, but today my disposition is sunny and cheerful.

I'm God's child and I love myself just as He does, only not as perfectly. The fact that I'm not perfect means I allow these feelings to come into my mind. At one point they dominated my thinking and I stayed depressed for days, weeks, and even months. To Jesus, I'm perfect just the way I am and He sees me that way, even if I don't.

I am blessed by so many people, events, and situations. Yet, it never fails to amaze me just how much Jesus loves me and how He continues to bless me, most times when I least expect it. Jesus called everyone to come to share his burden and that He would give them rest. That's exactly what He's done with my attitude about myself. I keep returning to Jesus, who changes me with His blessings. Many people say they don't believe in miracles, but how can I not believe when I am one?

Some Days...

just have the feeling that God has sent his angels to watch over me.

Photobucket.com image by loveej

just have the feeling that they are going to go right from the minute I open my eyes. Today was one of them. It's not that everything went right, but it had a smooth feeling to it. My landlord brought me over a new tv, a larger one than the one I had. All the people on the tv are the right color; they're not purple, green, or blue. I paid my phone bill, even though I had to pay an extra $5 because I had to do it with an agent. I dealth with DPSS (Dept. of Social Services) and I didn't get totally upset. I asked for further explanation when I didn't understand something and they were very patient and cleared my confusion. I didn't realize I had MediCal all this time, but I did. So now I just have to send in some paperwork once I receive it for my redetermination. Then I went out shopping and to a late lunch/early dinner.

I have learned to go with the flow, even when it's not exactly smooth. I have waited a very long time for my live to be like it is now and I wake up and go to bed grateful everyday for the God that loves me and blesses me as He does. How could I not believe in the Lord, when I see the miracles He showers me with? Even when things are challenging, He blesses me. Today is one of those days that I truly believe that God is good all the time, because even the pain I had yesterday is gone. Last night while I was watching tv, my cat, Sasha, was going beserk, playing with her catnip mouse. Suddenly my pain didn't appear so bad. God sent me laughter in the midst of my pain.

Michelle Rose

When Life Hurts

This morning the lesson from Charles Stanley was about when unfair things happen in life and what part God plays in it and why He might have. When bad things happen to me, I blamed God and was very angry at Him. But later I find out that there was a lesson in it for me. Right now I'm in quite a bit of physical pain. I'm not sure what the lesson is, but I know I won't stay on the computer for very long. So for me, the lesson is to cut my time on the computer short and go to bed early to get a good night's sleep.

Michelle

It's Just as Easy...

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The lines from an old Bob Dylan song keep running through my mind. I've heard them so many times, but for some reason, when I heard them tonight, I had an "aha" moment. The verse is from "My Back Pages."

"In a soldier's stance, I aimed my hand
At the mongrel dogs who teach
Fearing not that I'd become my enemy
In the instant that I preach
My pathway led by confusion boats
Mutiny from stern to bow.
Ah, but I was so much older then,
I'm younger than that now."

When I was substitute teaching, I'd joke with the students that one day
they might one day be on the other side of the desk and face themselves in a classroom. I know that's true of me, since I remember what a tough time I gave some of my teachers. It's not only true in the classroom, but in any part of life.

I recall how I escalated emotionally in the early stages of my disability before my psychiatrist found the right medication combination to level the chemical imbalance. I could be very mean. I also remember that I learned to control my emotions and not react to every situation, so as not to get in trouble like I did. So in aiming "my hands at the mongrel dogs that teach" it came back at me later.

About a year ago, I went to a yoga place in Hollywood, since they have great food there. One time I saw a sign, the essence of the saying being, if you want to learn something, teach it. This can apply not only to academics, but also to relationships or behaviour. The bottom line of what I finally learned when I became my own teacher is that it's just as easy to be nice as it is to be nasty or mean. And, the results are much better.

Michelle Rose

Rainy Days and Mondays...

A funny kitty... and something I've asked too many times.


Today started out rather strange (and continued that way for awhile)... I got ready early for the transport to come pick me up for my psychiatrist's appointment. Thinking it would be a quick trip, and the fact that I didn't have time to take a shower, I washed up a bit and threw some clothes on. In "never" rains in California, but it sure did today and I was at the doctor's office from 11:15 until around 2 pm. So I had to cancel my tutoring appointment. I could have rescheduled, but I needed a new prescription for my medications. By the time I arrived home it was nearly 3 pm and I had to eat lunch.

Ok, the rest of the day I just messed around on the computer. I also canceled my internet and landline services with AT&T, but still have my cellphone. Then, I tried to pay as much of the bill as I could afford. Nothing doing, AT&T wanted much more than I have. So, I'll have to call them tomorrow and explain the situation and probably have to pay additional $5 to pay what I can afford to an operator.

Right now my cat, Sasha, is giving me messages that she wants me to get off the computer and go sit in bed with her. She can be such a nag. ;-)

Well, I made it through today. Thank God! Tomorrow is another day.

Michelle Rose

When Life Has Other Plans

Image from photobucket by Keefers_



I had all kinds of good things planned to do today and had to cancel them all. While I was on my way to an AA meeting this morning I was experiencing quite a bit of pain in my lower back and down my legs. I took the bus to the point where I was supposed to catch another bus to a meeting, but the pain was so bad, I decided to turn around and come home. By the time I arrived back at my street, I had a massive headache where I was very sensitive to light. I didn't want to take any pain pills, so I burrowed under my covers to block the light from my eyes.

I don't know if the headache I got was a migraine, but it certainly felt like one. I fell asleep and about 5 hours later, the pain had abated. Still, I decided to rest in bed.

Today was one of those days when my life took a detour. I had to accept how I felt, realizing I could not do either of my activities. Again, I'm beginning to feel pain, so I'll listen to my body and get off the computer in a few minutes. It appears that pain (physical or otherwise) is a good indicator of action I should take or avoid.

Going Beyond My "Borders"

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I usually don't like to go places that are too far from where I live, especially if I haven't been there before. That's not to say I don't do it. I did it today. I went to an AA meeting way out on the far end of the Sunset Strip. I heard a wonderful speaker and some terrific sharing. The ironic part was that the meeting was above a bar in a room where there was another bar. But, it felt so good to be in that room with other sober alcoholics.

The thing is, with the freedom I have in my life being sober, being a Christian, being creative, and more, I can break free of many of the borders, or more like "prison" walls, that were holding me back, always of my own making. I'm not sure what happened to change my fear. Secluding myself within the walls of my apartment became boring and the fear fed on itself as a continuing cycle.

I thank God for the personal and emotional freedom that I feel and can exercise. Even though I'm still not going all the places I plan to go because I still have a bit of fear holding me back, I've broken out of something that was extremely difficult to change.

Lessons for the Tutor

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December 1, 2009,
Tuesday

On Wednesday I found out that I lost one of my students, meaning I no longer tutor him. Naturally, I was very upset about it, since I'd worked very hard to make a connection with him and find out just how to get him interested in what I was teaching him.

I later found out that it wasn't because of my teaching style, but because the mother didn't want me teaching her son because I couldn't speak Spanish. I am going to miss tutoring this student, since we were beginning to have fun with the lessons.

When I tutor, I put more than 100% effort into how I tutor. I have had students in the past whom I could not get interested in working with me, no matter what I did, but we went through the whole number of hours assigned for the semester. And I learned lessons from the students - about what and what not to do.

Ok, I've moved on from this experience. It may or may not happen again, and as my coordinator said, I'm not the only tutor that has had this experience. The thing that I realize is that my God has something else for me, which will probably be even better. He takes care of me and I trust that He will always do that because that's what He promised me.

Note: Also, if you like these lessons and want to pass them on to others, please feel free to do so. I thank everyone for the comments they make on them.

Michelle Rose

And Who Am I Really?

(Yes, this is what I feel like)

Image from Photobucket by Freekittin2000

Yesterday, my friend Don asked me to lead a poetry writing workshop and short meeting for the Poetry Festival we're having next year. Without hesitation I said yes. It's something I've done before, so I know what to do, and the group is made up of people I mostly know, except if some newcomers attend it.

Today I started thinking, "Oh, can I really do this? What if everyone doesn't like the poems I pick or how I lead? (or whatever...)" Then I realized that Don would not have asked me if he didn't have confidence in me and my ability. So, instead of remaining in the fear, I started choosing poems for inspiration. I realized that my fearful feeling and lack of self-confidence is an old one. So, I can kick that critic to the curb!

For most of my life, I've thought of myself as a follower and acted the part. But now, I'm slowly breaking out of that roll and starting in a new one. I can take the lead and feel confident that I will be successful, not just for the workshop but in other areas of my life. God didn't create junk when He made me. He created me as a unique and beautiful creation in His eyes, and that's how I see myself.

Another friend of mine, Jean, said this in a email, "You know, even though we've never met. You've came along ways, doing better, feeling much better about yourself. You're looking, feeling better about things in Life, etc. Being more positive about things too. You have really improve[d] yourself and doing things to better yourself." Thank you so much Jean. You can't imagine how nice that made me feel.

Ok, not everyday is sunshine and roses. I do have my moments when I'm "dark and twisty," but I don't allow myself to stay there. I work at being a positive, upbeat, and confident person. I've learned to be the kind of person who takes lemons and makes lemonade, since I know the ups and downs of life are part of the cycle of each moment through the years. I know who I am more today than I ever did and I like the person I've become.

Children and Challenges

I tutor a very challenging 6th grader. He gets bored very easily, so in the past couple sessions, I've been challenging him more. We work on the lessons that I'm supposed to teach him, but I do it slightly differently. Here is where my creativity comes in handy. I've always been able to be spontaneous and ad lib in my stories and examples to my students. With this student, it helps so much because I can see him becoming more interested and wanting to work through the lesson.

I am not a parent, nor do I have children of my own, but I've learned from my other students what can awaken their interest and what makes them bored. Sometimes it takes a bit of searching to see how to get through to a student. I've had my "failures" in the past, but these are only lessons to me, helping me with new students.

If anyone had asked me when I was younger what I wanted to be when I got older, I would never have said a tutor. I wanted to work with animals, but I found out I didn't want to do that as a job, only as a volunteer. I love what I do and the challenge each new student presents to me as a tutor. Finding my niche in life was so important to me, but no matter how much I searched, I couldn't find one. When I stopped looking, God put me where He wanted me. Now, how amazing is that? I'd say quite amazing!

Grumpy, grumpy...What?

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All day I have been checking my bank balance. Nope, the deposit didn't go through. I've been feeling quite down about that. Ok, tomorrow's Thanksgiving and I had planned a nice vegan menu, but I can't do it because I have around $6 in my checking account and a couple dollars in quarters.

But on the tail of these self-pitying thoughts came others. Some people can live a whole month on $6, while I only have to wait for a couple days to get my deposit. I have food in my refrigerator. Ok, it's kind of empty, but there's food in there. Some people go to bed and wake up hungry. They wish they had a refrigerator and food. Children and babies in third world countries cry from the hunger they feel and die from lack of food. I am nice and warm in my apartment. Other people, like the homeless in Los Angeles (and many other places) sleep on concrete and have no roof over their head. I am in fairly good health and I have medical insurance and doctors to take care of my medical needs. People in 3rd world countries and even here in the United States die from diseases that medicine eradicated many years ago. I have a computer, phone, cellphone, television, MP3 player, alarm clocks, a bathroom with a toilet, shower and sink, plus other luxuries some people only dream of having.

So...what do I have to be grumpy about? NOTHING! It never fails to amaze me how much I have that many others would do with what I have for a longer period of time. My Saviour, Jesus, had no home, no food in a refrigerator, no place to lay His head. Yet, He sacrificed everything for the sake of my forgiveness and salvation. Sometimes I can be so fixated on material things, when concepts like friendship, love, kindness abound all around me.

I hope that everyone has a Happy Thanksgiving.

Michelle Rose 

Ripples of Peace

Images from photobucket.com by Laurieanon.


"If I live in peace and peace lives in me -- I am a tiny stone plopped into an ocean -- My existence makes only small ripples -- But as my motion moves it joins with others -- Each touching makes the disruption grow -- Until the many tiny ripples become a tidal wave -- To wash away the beachfronts of fear and hate."   ~Chrystine Julian, a California poet and musician~

I don't know if Chrystine coined this quote herself or found it somewhere, but it certainly gives me pause to think about how I act and what the results are. Today my 6th grade math student really tested my patience, since she was up and down all through the 2 hour session. I let her slide a little bit, but I really wanted to superglue her to the seat. This was an example of just keeping quiet most of the time, but letting Adrianna (my student) know in a calm way what I expected of her.

The same is true for how I relate to other people. I see so many things that people do that just don't make sense. Mostly, it's not my place or business to say anything, so I keep quiet. Yet, I notice that when I'm at peace, it shows to others and they react in kind. Everyday, I do what I can to say something nice to someone - a small compliment, a little help when I see they need it, or just smiling at someone. I've gotten some very good reactions, but even if I don't, I know I feel good inside from my effort. Isn't this what God wants us to do? Relate to others in the way He says in the Bible, to love others as we love ourselves. Isn't this the way of peace?