The Dash

I was trying to think about what to write today, when in the process of catching up with my email, I came across this movie Everett (for those of you who know him) had sent me. This covers so much, I decided to use it for my lesson today, since it certainly has me thinking. Maybe some have seen this before, or something like it. But, it's never too late, no matter what your beliefs, to think about your life before it's over.

The Dash Poem Movie

Self-Love: or Who Is My First Best Friend?

This is how I want to feel - happy to be me and in love with who I am!

I'm reading two very good books. Today, I will quote from one of them, It's Not About Food: End Your Obsession with Food and Weight, by Carol Emery Normandi, MFT, and Laurelee Roark, CCHT (Founders of Beyond Hunger, Inc.), from a section called "Understanding Our Inner Critics."

"If a mother looks at her child with critical eyes and focuses only on the bodily imperfections, then the child learns to look at herself in the same manner. As children enter the school system, their peers have another profound impact on how they perceive themselves. Children who are teased because they are different (overweight, different ethnicity, disabled, and the like) incorporate these negative messages into their developing sense of self." The paragraph goes on to say that as we get older, society and the media play into womens' negative self-image.

"These messages and the body hatred we have integrated into our own thoughts and feelings start to affect everything we do and everything we feel about ourselves. Our inner critical voice attacks not only our body but our mind and soul as well. Self-esteem, self-trust, and self-love erodes. The hatred we feel for our bodies soon permeates our whole being." (pg. 27).

When I was first in AA program I learned that alcoholism is a disease of the body, mind, and spirit. Recovery is contingent with maintaining a daily relationship with a Higher Power (as the program calls it, or God).

As with my other addictions, God is the most important part of my recovery. Without Him, nothing else follows. I have done so much work to overcome my other addictions and to grow as a Christian. I feel this is the one thing that separates me from serving God as an effective servant and Him granting me the answers to some of my prayers. When I am in my eating disorder, I am separated from God.

The actions I'm taking now to not only learn about this disorder, but work my way to recovery are the most stringent I've ever taken. I want to recover and I'm doing everything I can to ensure that. Praise God for being so patient with an imperfect me. He who is perfect loves me just as I am, but loves me too much to leave me this way. He knows the pain I feel physically, emotionally, and spiritually. He is on my side and will help me love myself for the first time in my life.

Lessons in Life...

to take throughout this year and beyond.

Several days ago Que sent me a link for these lessons. I did not open the email or link until today. When I did, a sense of serenity washed over me, since I'd heard many of these lessons many times over in my life. I finally managed to find the link on YouTube. They are presented on some beautiful winter scenes. I know I certainly related, remembered, and learned from seeing these again. I hope you will enjoy seeing them also.

Michelle Rose

45 Lessons in Life

The Start of a New Year and Decade...

Many people make resolutions. I don't, because I don't keep them, instead I have goals. Today when I was reading my AA Daily Reflections book I found the following:

"December 31
Daily Resolutions

The idea of "twenty-four-hour living" applies primarily to the emotional life of the individual. Emotionally speaking, we must not live in yesterday or tomorrow. ~As Bill Sees It, p. 284~

A New Year: 12 months, 52 weeks, 365 days, 8,760 hours, 525,600 minutes--a time to consider directions, goals, and actions. I must make some plans to live a normal life, but also I must live emotionally within a twent-four-hour frame, for if I do, I don't have to make New Year's resolutions! I can make every day a New Year's day! I can decide, "Today I will do this .... Today I will do that." Each day I can measure my life by trying to do a little better, by deciding to follow God's will and by making an effort to put the principles of our A.A. program into action."

Today in a continuing effort to find solutions to my eating disorder, I joined a gym. My therapist suggested it, since I have requested a lap band from my doctor. Well, it's a long process and the insurance company wants the patient to try a weight loss program first. My therapist also gave me other "action plan actions" to accomplish. I have completed most of them or are in the process of doing the other suggestions.

Here's the thing about me joining this gym. It was more expensive then I could afford today. Earlier today, I passed a homeless man and gave him $5.00. Not much, but I'm sure he appreciated it. When I went to the gym, the guy I was talking to realized that I was very serious about my committment to improve my health - it's not just about the weight loss - so he talked to the gym manager. Here's what they did for me: gave me a free month so I could start working on my health goals, and let me decide further down the line about doing the personal trainer program. This company (Gold's) is a heavy duty goal-oriented gym and they even have nutritional counseling.

Sunday, I will start a walking program I discovered online and I will go to the gym for my initial workout, where a trainer develops one for me that will help me. I can also use the facility in downtown LA where they have a swimming pool, which was what my therapist wanted me to find. By going to this gym, I don't have to join a program like WW. It's included in my membership.

I feel good about this coming year. I know it will be a healthier one for me. God continues to bless me.

Michelle Rose

Digging Out

Yeah, this is how I feel sometimes...and it's not a very good feeling. I don't feel tht way now.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
I woke up this morning feeling very angry and somewhat depressed because of certain things that keep happening. So, on this nice, rainy day, I decided to get some of my "Action Plan" goals accomplished.

First, I found an acupunturist a few blocks from me and will call to make an appointment when I'm sure I have the money for the session.

I started a food diary - which as far as I'm concerned is a pain in the hiney. It actually makes me focus more on food, rather than forget about it, but my therapist suggested it, so I'm following what she said.

Then, I looked in to finding the book, The End of Overeating: Taking Control of the Insatiable American Appetite, by David A. Kessler, MD, since it was such a good book and helped me with the methods and psychology behind compulsive overeating. I also got a couple books out of the library yesterday on the subject. One is a workbook.

Another thing I did was sign up for some events for the Pasadena Humane Society's Mobile Adoption Unit.

Last, I cooked a very good dinner - a fried rice recipe (not overly fried, since I cooked the rice first), that has tofu, pineapple, peas&carrots, garlic, and (delicious) ginger in it. I am starting to look for more and more vegan recipes, so that I don't always eat the same things. I've found some excellent ones online.

Tomorrow, I get paid, so I will go to the bank and go out and do some tasks I need to get done, one being going to the gym to check on membership plans. I don't exercise, but spend all day (sometimes) on the computer. Not very good for me either physically or emotionally.

Yes, I know this is typical of everyone to start doing goals at the beginning of the year, but when I talked to my therapist yesterday, she told me that all these things, plus joining a weight loss program (I'm having trouble finding one I don't hate and can afford) is part of the process of getting a lapband to help me lose weight. They want to know that I tried everything I could to lose weight. I'm not just losing weight because I want to be thinner - I started at the beginning of this year doing it for health reasons - lower cholesterol, avoiding a heart attack and developing diabetes. The weight loss is a side benefit. If I develope one of these conditions or die, it won't matter what I weigh.

Now, I'm going to join my cat and watch some tv and then go to bed.

Michelle Rose

Doing for Me

Merry Christmas...from a beautiful kitty...

photobucket.com image

For the most part, I am an independent person, doing things for myself. Sometimes, like today, I give myself over to someone else's care. I treated myself to a massage. My neighbors, my former landlady and her family, own a massage spa. For many years I've been wanting to do this, but allowed someone to talk me out of it. No more. It was such a wonderful experience and I came out of the spa feeling so relaxed and renewed. I still hurt from my fibro, but knots that I had in some areas of my body are now more relaxed and I have less pain. I've had other massages, but never one like this. I was massaged from head to toe. The masseuse's touch was firm but tender. And I know that when I have the money, I am going back for another massage.

One of my friends makes it a regular habit to get a pedicure. It's something she does for herself. Other friends make time for the gym or yoga. For too many years, I have done social activities, but I can't remember when I did an activity just for me. I used to call them "me" days. They were days when I would plan something for the whole day - a trip to the Zoo, the museum, or something I'd been wanting to do but hadn't done it.

I'm not sure when I stopped seeing myself as worthy of being good to myself, but through the years when I was experiencing extraordinary stress, I rarely did anything like this. It's strange, because during those times I needed things like this the most, but never had the money to do them. Now, it's not to say that I didn't do things. I learned that if I volunteer for places, like the Humane Society, I not only have fun with animals, I get into many activities free.

If God stopped treating me as a loved child, I wouldn't think much of Him, would I? So, even with the lack of money, it's hard to understand why I'd treat His creation - me - that way.

Michelle Rose

Caging a Green-eyed Monster

Image from photobucket.com

Like many people, I go through life with an assortment of mythical animals and monsters perched on and looking over my shoulders. The one that produced the widest variety of raging emotions was the green-eyed monster. It appeared and dugs its claws into my heart when I had the least or lost what I hadn't wanted to give up. You know the one I'm talking about - jealousy. It produced anger, rage, sadness, depression, and a host of other negative emotions and feelings that ripped me up inside and I didn't know how to put back in its cage. I fueled the beast's nastiness within me by looking outside myself at what others had and I didn't. Oh, it just loved to make mincemeat of me, shredding my emotions to the point where I didn't care about life or what I did have. And the strange part is that I wasn't angry at the monster, I was angry at God. I whined and moaned, "Why don't I have this (thing or person) in my life? Why do you have to put me through such a difficult time when that evil person is coasting through life?" I was almost turning myself inside out with jealousy.

I don't know when I began to fuel this emotion less, by looking at what others had and being genuinely happy for them. I also looked at what I had and was truly grateful for God showing His blessings and love on me. Like so many negative emotions, jealousy does nothing to build me up, but happiness for another person's blessings, blesses me and the other person.

Well, sounds a bit strange, doesn't it? How can I be happy for someone who has something I want but don't have. That's the way caging the green-eyed monster works. It's how God wants us to feel toward others. I believe that when the Jews were wandering through the desert for over 40 years, they looked at what they didn't have. They were jealous of those who had homes, water, crops... Did God immediately give them these things? No, but he got very angry at them. God looks at my attitude toward others, whether I'm blessed by others' blessings.

So, while the green-eyed monster shows his face occasionally, I don't buy into his game. Or another way of saying it is that I don't co-sign his baloney. One of my friends calls her ex-boyfriend a "lying sack of baloney," but isn't that what the evil one is, disguised as an emotion?

Leaving the Junkyard

And...this is the way God loves us...

photobucket image by MarcieLee

As I walk to and from the bus stop on my way to and from work, I see furniture that people have thrown out. Most of this furniture is not the best - it's the kind made from particle board, rather than real wood. Now, there's nothing wrong with picking up other peoples' discards - some very good furniture and other items can be acquired this way. It's just that for many years, I never felt myself worthy of new and better items, nor could I afford them. I picked furniture, clothes, all kinds of items off the street, some of which was in questionable condition.

Tonight, when I was walking home from work, I realized something about my doing this, how I saw myself, and how I'd changed. Being overweight and without a relationship, I've often seen myself as less than a quality person. I've always said that God loves me because I know He doesn't make junk. But that's exactly what I allow myself to feel like. The feeling comes and goes. I've changed in that I don't allow myself to stay in the "junk" yard very long. Yes, I had a bad day yesterday, but today my disposition is sunny and cheerful.

I'm God's child and I love myself just as He does, only not as perfectly. The fact that I'm not perfect means I allow these feelings to come into my mind. At one point they dominated my thinking and I stayed depressed for days, weeks, and even months. To Jesus, I'm perfect just the way I am and He sees me that way, even if I don't.

I am blessed by so many people, events, and situations. Yet, it never fails to amaze me just how much Jesus loves me and how He continues to bless me, most times when I least expect it. Jesus called everyone to come to share his burden and that He would give them rest. That's exactly what He's done with my attitude about myself. I keep returning to Jesus, who changes me with His blessings. Many people say they don't believe in miracles, but how can I not believe when I am one?

Some Days...

just have the feeling that God has sent his angels to watch over me.

Photobucket.com image by loveej

just have the feeling that they are going to go right from the minute I open my eyes. Today was one of them. It's not that everything went right, but it had a smooth feeling to it. My landlord brought me over a new tv, a larger one than the one I had. All the people on the tv are the right color; they're not purple, green, or blue. I paid my phone bill, even though I had to pay an extra $5 because I had to do it with an agent. I dealth with DPSS (Dept. of Social Services) and I didn't get totally upset. I asked for further explanation when I didn't understand something and they were very patient and cleared my confusion. I didn't realize I had MediCal all this time, but I did. So now I just have to send in some paperwork once I receive it for my redetermination. Then I went out shopping and to a late lunch/early dinner.

I have learned to go with the flow, even when it's not exactly smooth. I have waited a very long time for my live to be like it is now and I wake up and go to bed grateful everyday for the God that loves me and blesses me as He does. How could I not believe in the Lord, when I see the miracles He showers me with? Even when things are challenging, He blesses me. Today is one of those days that I truly believe that God is good all the time, because even the pain I had yesterday is gone. Last night while I was watching tv, my cat, Sasha, was going beserk, playing with her catnip mouse. Suddenly my pain didn't appear so bad. God sent me laughter in the midst of my pain.

Michelle Rose

It's Just as Easy...

Photo from photobucket.com by DragonitesLair

The lines from an old Bob Dylan song keep running through my mind. I've heard them so many times, but for some reason, when I heard them tonight, I had an "aha" moment. The verse is from "My Back Pages."

"In a soldier's stance, I aimed my hand
At the mongrel dogs who teach
Fearing not that I'd become my enemy
In the instant that I preach
My pathway led by confusion boats
Mutiny from stern to bow.
Ah, but I was so much older then,
I'm younger than that now."

When I was substitute teaching, I'd joke with the students that one day
they might one day be on the other side of the desk and face themselves in a classroom. I know that's true of me, since I remember what a tough time I gave some of my teachers. It's not only true in the classroom, but in any part of life.

I recall how I escalated emotionally in the early stages of my disability before my psychiatrist found the right medication combination to level the chemical imbalance. I could be very mean. I also remember that I learned to control my emotions and not react to every situation, so as not to get in trouble like I did. So in aiming "my hands at the mongrel dogs that teach" it came back at me later.

About a year ago, I went to a yoga place in Hollywood, since they have great food there. One time I saw a sign, the essence of the saying being, if you want to learn something, teach it. This can apply not only to academics, but also to relationships or behaviour. The bottom line of what I finally learned when I became my own teacher is that it's just as easy to be nice as it is to be nasty or mean. And, the results are much better.

Michelle Rose

Going Beyond My "Borders"

Image from photobucket.com by marysiadat_2008

I usually don't like to go places that are too far from where I live, especially if I haven't been there before. That's not to say I don't do it. I did it today. I went to an AA meeting way out on the far end of the Sunset Strip. I heard a wonderful speaker and some terrific sharing. The ironic part was that the meeting was above a bar in a room where there was another bar. But, it felt so good to be in that room with other sober alcoholics.

The thing is, with the freedom I have in my life being sober, being a Christian, being creative, and more, I can break free of many of the borders, or more like "prison" walls, that were holding me back, always of my own making. I'm not sure what happened to change my fear. Secluding myself within the walls of my apartment became boring and the fear fed on itself as a continuing cycle.

I thank God for the personal and emotional freedom that I feel and can exercise. Even though I'm still not going all the places I plan to go because I still have a bit of fear holding me back, I've broken out of something that was extremely difficult to change.

Ripples of Peace

Images from photobucket.com by Laurieanon.


"If I live in peace and peace lives in me -- I am a tiny stone plopped into an ocean -- My existence makes only small ripples -- But as my motion moves it joins with others -- Each touching makes the disruption grow -- Until the many tiny ripples become a tidal wave -- To wash away the beachfronts of fear and hate."   ~Chrystine Julian, a California poet and musician~

I don't know if Chrystine coined this quote herself or found it somewhere, but it certainly gives me pause to think about how I act and what the results are. Today my 6th grade math student really tested my patience, since she was up and down all through the 2 hour session. I let her slide a little bit, but I really wanted to superglue her to the seat. This was an example of just keeping quiet most of the time, but letting Adrianna (my student) know in a calm way what I expected of her.

The same is true for how I relate to other people. I see so many things that people do that just don't make sense. Mostly, it's not my place or business to say anything, so I keep quiet. Yet, I notice that when I'm at peace, it shows to others and they react in kind. Everyday, I do what I can to say something nice to someone - a small compliment, a little help when I see they need it, or just smiling at someone. I've gotten some very good reactions, but even if I don't, I know I feel good inside from my effort. Isn't this what God wants us to do? Relate to others in the way He says in the Bible, to love others as we love ourselves. Isn't this the way of peace?  

Freedom

"The roots of true achievement lie in the will to become the best that you can become."  ~Harold Taylor~

As I was walking home from the farmers' market today, I thought about freedom. Freedom comes in many forms - personal, physical, mental, financial, emotional, and governmental (and probably more). I have learned quite a bit about freedom in my life with the experiences I've had and the lessons these experiences have taught me. I don't smoke, drink, or use drugs, so I have freedom from substance abuse. I don't drive a car, so I have financial freedom from the expense of owning one. I don't own a house, so I don't have the expense of upkeep and repair. I don't eat certain foods, so I've lowered my risk of certain diseases.

Yet aside from all of this, when I think about freedom, it goes much deeper than that. I think true freedom comes from within - from the way I look at life and how I process my environment. I don't have to own many of the material possessions that some people feel equate freedom - and to them they might and that's ok. Although I do have certain possessions in my life and they help, freedom comes from the beauty I see around me, a God in my life and His love, good memories of times like yesterday - a bunch of poets and teachers having dinner after a poetry reading, or being in a quiet apartment with my cat next to me. Freedom is an abstract concept although it can have concrete manifestations.

Most of all, freedom is looking back from where I've come to where I am now and not worrying about where I'll be going, since I know that's not in my hands, but in the hands of someone greater than I am.

The following is a poem I wrote about a picture I saw online for another project I'm writing poems for - the return of people to the internment camp at Manzanar. One photo struck me particularly. Maybe this is what started my thinking about freedom.

pierced heart

in darkness my heart
is pierced by that from
which i can't escape

an unwilling
prisoner of hate
not because of what

i am only because
my association with
events make me who i am

free me to love again
as i once did unwrap
this wire from my spirit
 

Joy of Life

"I define joy as a sustained sense of well-being and internal peace - a connection to what matters." ~Oprah Winfrey~

I woke up this morning in a wonderful mood. I ate breakfast and then left to go to the bank, the pet store, the library, the health food store, and Albertson's (food store). In fact, I didn't just ride there, but took the bus to the bank, then walked from there to the other places, then walked back down again almost to Vermont and Prospect.

As I was walking up the hill to the pet store, library, and healthfood store, I realized that, "Gee, I'm out before 12 p.m. and I'm exercising!"

I was feeling quite well most of the day, then when I was tutoring my student, a ferocious headache descended on me. Still, I was not going to let it ruin my day. I think it happened because of something I ate today. I appear to be getting more sensitive to certain foods.

I finished the book, The End of Overeating: Taking Control of the Insatiable American Appetite, by David A. Kessler, MD. This book examines and approaches compulsive overeating from such a different viewpoint, not only from the point of view of the compulsive overeater, but also the food and diet industries and others. It's an incredible book and has helped me immensely. I am more aware of what I eat and the results of eating certain foods. This, to me, is part of the joy of life, that I have made a breakthrough in something that has controlled me for many, many years.

Life's Boomerangs

"The game of life is the game of boomerangs. Our thoughts, deeds and words return to us sooner or later, with astounding accuracy."  ~Florence Shinn~
 
Sometimes I say or do things, then afterwards wonder why I did or said them. My thoughts and words are usually under pretty much control, but tonight, something I said came back to me. Embarrassment is what I feel at being a bit loose lipped and saying what I should not have said.
 
I think the situation will work out ok. Sometimes the passage of time helps situations resolve themselves. Other times they haven't. In those cases, I just have to let go of the people, places, or things that don't work out and move on.

Before and After

This morning in reading my morning meditation - the scripture reading - from Charles Stanley's In Touch, I saw a picture of myself. Not that I didn't know what I was like before, but it said it so plainly that I am grateful that I am a Christian.

Galatians 5:19-26

19 The acts of the sinful nature are obvious: sexual immorality, impurity and debauchery; 20 idolatry and witchcraft; hatred, discord, jealousy, fits of rage, selfish ambition, dissensions, factions 21 and envy; drunkenness, orgies, and the like. I warn you, as I did before, that those who live like this will not inherit the kingdom of God.

22 But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, 23 gentleness and self control. Against such things there is no law. 24 Those who belong to Christ Jesus have crucified the sinful nature with its passions and desires. 25 Since we life by the Spirit, let us keep in step with the Spirit. 26 Let us not become conceited, provoking and envying each other.

Charles Stanley says: "The key to living a life of joy, peace, and victory is found in Galatians 5. Notice that I did not say a life without conflict or one free of temptation, trial, or heartache. Those are part of the human condition. But we can triumph through the power of the Holy Spirit.

In fact, today's passage makes clear how vital it is for believers to life a Spirit-filled life."

When I think about the before me, it is evident to me why not only did people not like myself, but I didn't like myself either. Now, self-love has not come immediately and in a big rush. It has taken many years of belonging to Christ (and many, many changes in my life) for me to get to the point where I like myself just as I am, looking like the Michelin tire (wo)man or Pillsbury dough girl and all. ;-) But God does not look at my outsides. He created me with love.

Yes, it took quite a long time to love God's creation (me) the way HE (emphasis mine)  sees me. But I do and I less and less I allow others' perception of me (the negative ones) to influence how I feel. God loves me, He shows me how He loves me. I am becoming (the after me) the person God wants me to become.  

Staying Close to God

"I have hidden your word in my heart that I might not sin against you." Ps 119:11 from the DailyBibleVerse.org

I have many friends, some are Christians others are not. When I go to AA meetings, some people use profanity. It's something I'm not entirely successful at eliminating from my vocabulary, although I do my best to honor God with clean language. Each morning I begin the day by reading God's word and meditating on the message for that day. I also read several chapters from the book of the Bible I'm reading at the time - right now it's Isaiah.

The more I practice the principles God would have me follow, the easier it is to resist following those who choose the way of the world. God's word lives in my heart and it follows that I will choose to show others what loving God means by acting that way He would have me live.

Surprising Changes

Today started out wonderfully. I slept well last night and managed not to wake up during the night. I made it to the womens' AA meeting I tried to get to last week. They were on Step 10, "Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong promptly admitted it." I believe when I write these Lessons from Life, I'm doing just that. In the 3 years or so I didn't go to meetings, I continued to work the program.

On Saturday and today, I took a cake for 30 years of sobriety. Today two other women took cakes also. It was nice to share our sober birthdays with each other and the group. Womens' meetings have always been special to me, since I we can share things in them that we can't in mixed meetings.

After the meeting, I went to lunch at my favorite vegan restaurant, went downtown and bought a pair of silver studs to replace the one I'd lost, so I can have two matching earrings, then went to Out of the Closet (thrift store) and bought a pair of pants and 3 shirts. The shirts were colors that I previously would not have considered - yellow, dusty pink, and red. Mostly what I wear are dark colors or grey. I believe God is changing my heart and thoughts about myself. I am looking at myself differently than I once did. What an amazing God I believe in who loves me without end. WOW!

Listening to My Body

I woke up early this morning and could not get back to sleep. Instead, I called my Aunt Nettie in NJ, then got Sasha's food and my breakfast ready. Today, I've been having trouble with pain in in my arms and legs, but I've attempted to keep somewhat active anyway. I went to the farmers' market, since I was out of baby lettuce, sprouts, and tomatoes. It's a bit of exercise and gets me out into the fresh air and sunshine. In the desire to eat better and change my eating habits, I've allowed myself the "luxury" of buying and eating fresh organic food. I love the taste more than fruits and veggies I buy from Ralph's Market.

After I ate lunch, a vegan meal I bought at the farmers' market, I was on the computer, but felt very tired. I wanted to stay on the computer chatting with my friends on facebook, but my body had other ideas. So, I got off the computer and lay down to take a couple hour nap. This, like the good food I gave it today, is what my body was telling me it needed.

Sometimes when I don't listen to what my body (physically) is telling me, I've gone over the limit and experience more pain. It's like that when I don't listen to what God is telling me. I have more pain in my day or in my life. Past mistakes tell me to stop being stubborn and listen to what I don't know but something or Someone else does. It saves me the pain of making the mistatke again.

New Beginnings

It's been quite awhile since I've written a post for Lessons from Life. I've been wanting to get back to it, but I'm just not sure how to start and what I want to write. Please know that I will begin again soon - both here online and emailing those who want it that way, but mostly, it will be here in this blog. Because the fibromyalgia that affects my life is in a difficult period, I must keep things very simple. I'm also returning to work tutoring. Through it all, God has been with me all the way, even when I forgot to pray or read the Bible. Also, I new keyboard will make it much easier to type - I will be getting that this weekend.