My Mind and My Body

My Mind and My Body
April 8, 2011

My whole being, praise the Lord and do not forget all his kindnesses. He forgives all my sins and heals all my diseases. He saves my life from the grave and loads me with love and mercy. He satisfies me with good things and makes me young again, like the eagle.
Psalm 103:2-5 NCV

So many things have been going through my mind lately about what I look like. I’m not happy with my body image and my weight. I don’t feel at my best, knowing I’m at risk for health issues. Some time ago, I told my doctor I was interested in the lap band to help me lose weight, but after watching a Dr. Oz show I taped where they covered the subject of lap bands, I’m not so sure I want the surgery anymore. Yet, I know this is not an answer, only a help in losing weight. I have so much trouble controlling what I eat – I’m a compulsive overeater. Now that I’m unemployed or will be soon, I don’t know what I can afford to help me lose weight. I don’t believe in dieting. I do have a gym/heath club to which I can return, now that I’m feeling better.

Ok, here’s the big issue – my mind is in the way – of eating correctly, of getting to the gym, of doing so many things that would help me. I keep wondering what’s wrong with me (well, other than my compulsive overeating) and why I have this fear of moving forward. This verse is perfect – it lets me know that I’m not alone, so why do I feel this way?

I saw a new psychiatrist today and he adjusted my medications to help me with the depression part of my bi-polar disorder. Wow, he asked me all kinds of questions. I like him much better than the NP, so I’m going to continue with him even though I have to pay for the visits. Maybe if I can get my depression under control, then it will help me become more willing to keep away from my emotional/stress eating of junk food. I’m not looking for a quick fix, just some help getting out of this rut I’ve been stuck in for more than half a year. I’m tired of it. Praise God for loving me the way He does, because I sure haven’t been so in love with myself lately. Sigh…

God’s blessings upon you, your families, and your furkids (if any),
Michelle

Digging Out

Yeah, this is how I feel sometimes...and it's not a very good feeling. I don't feel tht way now.

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I woke up this morning feeling very angry and somewhat depressed because of certain things that keep happening. So, on this nice, rainy day, I decided to get some of my "Action Plan" goals accomplished.

First, I found an acupunturist a few blocks from me and will call to make an appointment when I'm sure I have the money for the session.

I started a food diary - which as far as I'm concerned is a pain in the hiney. It actually makes me focus more on food, rather than forget about it, but my therapist suggested it, so I'm following what she said.

Then, I looked in to finding the book, The End of Overeating: Taking Control of the Insatiable American Appetite, by David A. Kessler, MD, since it was such a good book and helped me with the methods and psychology behind compulsive overeating. I also got a couple books out of the library yesterday on the subject. One is a workbook.

Another thing I did was sign up for some events for the Pasadena Humane Society's Mobile Adoption Unit.

Last, I cooked a very good dinner - a fried rice recipe (not overly fried, since I cooked the rice first), that has tofu, pineapple, peas&carrots, garlic, and (delicious) ginger in it. I am starting to look for more and more vegan recipes, so that I don't always eat the same things. I've found some excellent ones online.

Tomorrow, I get paid, so I will go to the bank and go out and do some tasks I need to get done, one being going to the gym to check on membership plans. I don't exercise, but spend all day (sometimes) on the computer. Not very good for me either physically or emotionally.

Yes, I know this is typical of everyone to start doing goals at the beginning of the year, but when I talked to my therapist yesterday, she told me that all these things, plus joining a weight loss program (I'm having trouble finding one I don't hate and can afford) is part of the process of getting a lapband to help me lose weight. They want to know that I tried everything I could to lose weight. I'm not just losing weight because I want to be thinner - I started at the beginning of this year doing it for health reasons - lower cholesterol, avoiding a heart attack and developing diabetes. The weight loss is a side benefit. If I develope one of these conditions or die, it won't matter what I weigh.

Now, I'm going to join my cat and watch some tv and then go to bed.

Michelle Rose

Doing for Me

Merry Christmas...from a beautiful kitty...

photobucket.com image

For the most part, I am an independent person, doing things for myself. Sometimes, like today, I give myself over to someone else's care. I treated myself to a massage. My neighbors, my former landlady and her family, own a massage spa. For many years I've been wanting to do this, but allowed someone to talk me out of it. No more. It was such a wonderful experience and I came out of the spa feeling so relaxed and renewed. I still hurt from my fibro, but knots that I had in some areas of my body are now more relaxed and I have less pain. I've had other massages, but never one like this. I was massaged from head to toe. The masseuse's touch was firm but tender. And I know that when I have the money, I am going back for another massage.

One of my friends makes it a regular habit to get a pedicure. It's something she does for herself. Other friends make time for the gym or yoga. For too many years, I have done social activities, but I can't remember when I did an activity just for me. I used to call them "me" days. They were days when I would plan something for the whole day - a trip to the Zoo, the museum, or something I'd been wanting to do but hadn't done it.

I'm not sure when I stopped seeing myself as worthy of being good to myself, but through the years when I was experiencing extraordinary stress, I rarely did anything like this. It's strange, because during those times I needed things like this the most, but never had the money to do them. Now, it's not to say that I didn't do things. I learned that if I volunteer for places, like the Humane Society, I not only have fun with animals, I get into many activities free.

If God stopped treating me as a loved child, I wouldn't think much of Him, would I? So, even with the lack of money, it's hard to understand why I'd treat His creation - me - that way.

Michelle Rose

When Life Has Other Plans

Image from photobucket by Keefers_



I had all kinds of good things planned to do today and had to cancel them all. While I was on my way to an AA meeting this morning I was experiencing quite a bit of pain in my lower back and down my legs. I took the bus to the point where I was supposed to catch another bus to a meeting, but the pain was so bad, I decided to turn around and come home. By the time I arrived back at my street, I had a massive headache where I was very sensitive to light. I didn't want to take any pain pills, so I burrowed under my covers to block the light from my eyes.

I don't know if the headache I got was a migraine, but it certainly felt like one. I fell asleep and about 5 hours later, the pain had abated. Still, I decided to rest in bed.

Today was one of those days when my life took a detour. I had to accept how I felt, realizing I could not do either of my activities. Again, I'm beginning to feel pain, so I'll listen to my body and get off the computer in a few minutes. It appears that pain (physical or otherwise) is a good indicator of action I should take or avoid.

Grumpy, grumpy...What?

Photo from photobucket.com by findstuff22

All day I have been checking my bank balance. Nope, the deposit didn't go through. I've been feeling quite down about that. Ok, tomorrow's Thanksgiving and I had planned a nice vegan menu, but I can't do it because I have around $6 in my checking account and a couple dollars in quarters.

But on the tail of these self-pitying thoughts came others. Some people can live a whole month on $6, while I only have to wait for a couple days to get my deposit. I have food in my refrigerator. Ok, it's kind of empty, but there's food in there. Some people go to bed and wake up hungry. They wish they had a refrigerator and food. Children and babies in third world countries cry from the hunger they feel and die from lack of food. I am nice and warm in my apartment. Other people, like the homeless in Los Angeles (and many other places) sleep on concrete and have no roof over their head. I am in fairly good health and I have medical insurance and doctors to take care of my medical needs. People in 3rd world countries and even here in the United States die from diseases that medicine eradicated many years ago. I have a computer, phone, cellphone, television, MP3 player, alarm clocks, a bathroom with a toilet, shower and sink, plus other luxuries some people only dream of having.

So...what do I have to be grumpy about? NOTHING! It never fails to amaze me how much I have that many others would do with what I have for a longer period of time. My Saviour, Jesus, had no home, no food in a refrigerator, no place to lay His head. Yet, He sacrificed everything for the sake of my forgiveness and salvation. Sometimes I can be so fixated on material things, when concepts like friendship, love, kindness abound all around me.

I hope that everyone has a Happy Thanksgiving.

Michelle Rose 

Joy of Life

"I define joy as a sustained sense of well-being and internal peace - a connection to what matters." ~Oprah Winfrey~

I woke up this morning in a wonderful mood. I ate breakfast and then left to go to the bank, the pet store, the library, the health food store, and Albertson's (food store). In fact, I didn't just ride there, but took the bus to the bank, then walked from there to the other places, then walked back down again almost to Vermont and Prospect.

As I was walking up the hill to the pet store, library, and healthfood store, I realized that, "Gee, I'm out before 12 p.m. and I'm exercising!"

I was feeling quite well most of the day, then when I was tutoring my student, a ferocious headache descended on me. Still, I was not going to let it ruin my day. I think it happened because of something I ate today. I appear to be getting more sensitive to certain foods.

I finished the book, The End of Overeating: Taking Control of the Insatiable American Appetite, by David A. Kessler, MD. This book examines and approaches compulsive overeating from such a different viewpoint, not only from the point of view of the compulsive overeater, but also the food and diet industries and others. It's an incredible book and has helped me immensely. I am more aware of what I eat and the results of eating certain foods. This, to me, is part of the joy of life, that I have made a breakthrough in something that has controlled me for many, many years.

A Magical Day

Today I spent a whole day with cats, dogs, and birds. Well, I wasn't with all of them, but they were at a big event sponsored by Best Friends Animal Sanctuary. Many of you know how much I love animals. I have so many reasons.


Animals
- are God's creatures
- helped me when I was first diagnosed with my emotional disability
- love unconditionally
- expect nothing in return for their love (oh, but we give them so much anyway)
- are therapeutic (for eomtional and physical disabilities)
- understand when we feel happy or sad
- have emotions just like we do
- help me learn some of life's lessons


Ok, I could go on, but those of you who love and/or have animals understand what I'm talking about. When I look at Sasha or some of the animals I work with at the shelter, or other animals in my life, I see God's handiwork. Of course, some animals, like my neighbor's dog, Buddy, aren't so friendly, yet I still see a creature God created. If I didn't see the unbeautiful along with the beautiful, then I would not be looking at life with open eyes. And many times, my work with animals and just being with animals helps me to get along with and understand people. Maybe not everytime, but the lessons are there.


I'm blessed to have Sasha in my life and all the other cats and animals that have been in my life and are now gone. This is one way God's shown me that He loves me.

Lifting My Heart

The physical pain I've felt the last couple of days has not done much to lift my spirits, but I'm mostly a positive and upbeat person. Today, I decided that I would wear some different colors from the usual grey teeshirts I normally wear. I wore a tangerine colored shirt and lime green socks with some orange in them.

All day long I kept thinking that these colors truly lifted my spirits, in spite of some annoying things that happened. But was it truly the colors that made me feel better or God providing what He know would help me?

Before I left for work, I was chatting with my friend from high school, Howard. He'd lost his cellphone and was quite upset about not being able to find it. He asked me to pray for him, telling me that I always had prayer warriors in Florida. I'd like to think that I'm as strong a prayer warrior for others who need it, praying for them without asking. Sometimes one of my friend's names will come into my mind, and I know I must pray for them, not even knowing why. If nothing else, praying for them helps me know I'm helping them, even when I can't do anything more.

Today's message in my daily reading was about the disciples wanting to sit at the right and left hands of Jesus. He told them that if they wanted to be glorified, they must become servants. In praying for others, I become a willing servant and it lifts my heart in ways that many other actions or words can't.

Forgiveness

Tuesday, August 18, 2009

Forgiveness

“…bearing with one another, and forgiving each other, whoever has a complaint against anyone; just as the Lord forgave you, so also should you.” ~Colossians 3:13 New American Standard Bible~

“I can forgive, but I cannot forget, is only another way of saying, I will not forgive. Forgiveness ought to be like a cancelled note - torn in two, and burned up, so that it never can be shown against one.” ~Henry Ward Beecher~

Today I watched an incredible movie, “Maria Goretti.” It is about an Italian peasant girl in the early 20th century. Alessandro (one of the other villagers) could not accept her devotion to God and killed her when she would not give in to his selfish desires. Although based on a true story, I don’t know how close the movie is to reality. The fascinating part about the dvd is because of Maria’s faith, she forgave Alessandro for killing her. In 1950, Maria became a saint.

After watching “Maria Goretti,” I thought about my life and the people who hurt me. I don’t know how many times (probably countless) I’ve brought up someone that did me harm. In my prayers, I’ve done a cursory forgiveness, but never truly forgave them, otherwise the matter would be settled. I wonder, if someone did me enough harm to kill me, would I be able to forgive them?

These two quotes are quite significant, because when Jesus died on the cross to forgive sins, He did not look back and bring them up again. He forgave me and that’s the end of it. It should be that way when I forgive someone for hurting me. I have so much more to learn about forgiving someone.

Michelle Rose

Small Changes; Small Steps

Friday, August 14, 2009

Small Changes; Small Steps

“If nothing changed, there’d be no butterflies” ~Author Unknown~

“If you would attain to what you are not yet, you must always be displeased by what you are. For where you are pleased with yourself there you have remained. Keep adding, keep walking, keep advancing.” ~Saint Augustine~
I’ve been making small changes in my eating lately, but in the total picture they make big differences. I realize certain things I’m doing, then change it. Awhile ago I made a decision not to buy and eat potato chips, hard candy (butterscotch) and donuts. Next, I realized that when I buy bags of potatoes, I eat too many. I also do not buy bread, but buy whole grains in bulk and eat them. The other day I looked in my refrigerator and could not believe how many bottles of salad dressing I have, knowing that I use it on almost all the foods I eat. I chose to stop buying bottled dressing and make my own at home from oil, vinegar, and other spices.

Each one of these small steps I take in changing my habits helps my health become better. The change I am working the most on is to focus on the Lord and not on food. Not an easy change after focusing on food all my life, but it is the foundation on which I build all the other changes.

Michelle Rose

Courage

Saturday, August 01, 2009

Courage

“You cannot discover new oceans unless you have the courage to lose sight of the shore.”
~Reminisce Magazine~

What does courage have to do with becoming healthy and losing weight? Everything. It is stepping out of known ways to start new habits. It is taking on tasks I’ve never done before. I am looking at life through a new pair of glasses, knowing that what I see will be guiding me to my goal whether or not it appears to relate to it because every experience in life is interconnected.

Today my poetry group started discussing a poetry festival we plan to put on next year and I volunteered to do some things I’ve never done before. Is this a bit scary for me? Of course. Am I going to run away from it? Not on your life. I am losing sight of the shore I’ve been clinging to for most of my life. I’m gaining new experiences for myself. Maybe this won’t be easy, but I’ve never been one to back down from anything challenging.

Michelle Rose

Replacement Habits

Thursday, July 30, 2009

Replacement Habits

“Habit is a man's sole comfort. We dislike doing without even unpleasant things to which we have become accustomed.” ~Goethe

I am a recovering alcoholic and have been sober for nearly 30 years from drugs and alcohol, but addiction persists in other ways. Today, I received an email from someone who mentioned a problem that I have relating to addiction (and I imagine many others do, too) - that is when I manage to gain control over one type of food or habit, I replace it with another one. It's quite frustrating to me and I often wonder when this chain of events will end. I was in another 12-step program at one point and we used the concept of circles: inner circle behavior was that to avoid; middle circle behavior was questionable, and outer circle behavior was acceptable.

I have been meaning to make a circles chart for the food I can and cannot eat. I did this once early in my emotional recovery for the emotions and behaviors. My therapist at the time showed me how to do it, even before I got in the 12-step program. Foods are neither bad nor good, but are those that I can or cannot eat with normal control. One example is peanut butter. I do not buy it because every time I do, I eat it straight from the jar. Baby carrots are an example of a food I can buy. I have never binged on baby carrots.

I will make doing my circles an assignment to complete before I write my next Lessons from Life - the go one inside each other. It will give me clarity as to where my safety and danger zones are. It is one thing to know in my mind what they are; it’s another to see them before me in black and white.

Michelle Rose

The Support Under My Feet

Tuesday, July 28, 2009

The Support Under My Feet

“18When I said, ‘My foot is slipping,’ your love, O Lord, supported me. 19When anxiety was great within me, your consolation brought joy to my soul…. 22But the Lord has become my fortress and my God the rock in whom I take refuge.”

In every walk with nature one receives far more than he seeks. ~John Muir

I don’t often forget who made me and the world around me or why I’m here. When I become sad and want to quit the goals I aim for. When I don’t feel like a miracle. When I feel that “I’m nobody” or “I’m unloved,” then all I have to do is look around myself outside to see the miracles my God created. These are when my foot slips, but the Lord has never left me alone.

I took a walk today. True it was only for about 7-8 blocks east on Hollywood Blvd. (not in nature) and I experienced quite a bit of pain while walking, but I was supported every step of the way. I almost quit before I arrived at my chosen destination – the block before Vermont Ave. , but I kept going. When I crossed the street, a refreshing cool breeze came my way. Maybe this was my Lord’s way of saying, “I’m here. I know you can make it. Keep going.” For the rest of the walk, I experienced somewhat less pain, taking the bus home, so that I didn’t walk more than I was able.

Michelle Rose

Weeding My Mind

Tuesday, June 23, 2009

Weeding My Mind

You must weed your mind as you would weed your garden. ~Astrid Alauda

When I eat things that make my body and my mind like a flower garden that been untended and needs work, I’m cluttering it with weeds. Unhealthy foods and eating too fast or only certain kinds of foods definitely have a physical affect on me. I find that out with healthy and junk foods.

Last night I made one of my favorite vegan dishes – tofu, broccoli, and wild rice, with a bit of strawberry vinaigrette for flavor. I didn’t realize how much I craved this dish. I wonder why, if I like these kinds of foods so much, do I want to clutter my body (garden, temple, whatever you want to comparison can be used) with weeds like chocolate and other junk foods. I’ve pretty much given up eating things like potato chips and donuts – ok, to be truthful, I’ve eaten them on occasion after I said I wouldn’t eat them again – but I think about how they affect me, especially since I have high cholesterol and triglycerides (fancy words for ugly fat-clogged arteries).

If the Lord designed my body to be receptive to healthy foods, then eating other kinds of food isn’t in line with God’s plan for me. Maybe if I think of it this way, then it will be something I can deal with – not the good food/bad food paradox. I will be able to stay closer to the “temple” thinking. Face it, I only have one body, one life, a limited number of chances during this life to do what’s healthy for myself in the short span of time I’m here.

Michelle Rose

Lessons from Life

Monday, June 22, 2009

Notes:
*I have not written Lessons from Life since June 8, 2009. First, I wasn’t sure I wanted to continue writing them. Second, the original issue I wrote about when I started writing the lessons changed. So, I will be starting them with a focus on something new – health – including the way, how, and what I eat, its effect, physical exercise (which I don’t get too much of), spiritual/physical/financial/mental/emotional issues involved in eating/health, and more. My eating affects every part of my life. It’s a cross-addiction.

** If you cannot relate to any of the topics I write about in this new phase of LfrL, please feel free to let me know you’d rather not receive it anymore. If you want to continue receiving them, do nothing.

A Bit Too Much

I like cheese. When I ate meat, and now that I’m back to eating vegetarian/vegan, I still love cheese. Unfortunately, depending on the amount I eat, cheese affects me in an “unloving” and quite painful way. (I won’t go into detail) ;-D I had one of those days Sunday. I felt like I wanted to die or that I would.

I don’t easily remember my bad experiences with food I’ve eaten Obviously, or I would not repeat them over and over. Once the food passes my lips and the pleasure is done, I don’t think that some ill-effect could happen at a later time. Yet, it does and I mistakenly think that next time will be different, but it’s not. The older I get, though, the less willing I become to learn these painful lessons.

Ok, so between praying to God, writing these lessons, going to see a nutritionist in August (the earliest appointment), and doing what I can until August, I will become healthier.

“A dog is a wonderful excuse for getting some walking exercise. Although they may not walk at the same speed as a person, they get one out of the indoors and off the couch.”
by Michelle, who’s working her way toward becoming a former couch potato (or at this time a former 10# bag of potatoes) ;-D

Michelle Rose

Slow Accomplishments

Lessons from Life, Wednesday, April 08, 2009

Slow Accomplishments

“Discipline is the bridge between goals and accomplishments.” ~Jim Rohn~

I am not always been disciplined in accomplishing my goals, so some of them take longer to achieve. Yet it is in my consistency to accomplish them that I succeed. When faced with the overwhelming amount of what I had to achieve, I’ve learned to allow myself to concentrate on one at a time, as I can handle them. Sometimes it’s not a choice of when to deal with them, but how in my attitude. It’s all I can do, since I’m only one person and in doing this, I’ve learned I don’t get as panicked and anxiety-ridden. This in itself has been my discipline.

My gratitude is knowing I can make it through challenging times and not worry that I will come through on the other end.

Realizing My Strengths, Michelle Rose

A Wild and Wooly Day

This is what I want to feel like...I hope this feeling will return soon. For now, it's just enough to chill for a day or two. (Photo from Flickr)

Lessons from Life, Tuesday, March 31, 2009

A Wild and Wooly Day

“The Lord liveth; and blessed be the rock; and exalted be the God of my salvation.”
~II Sam. 22:47 KJV~

I feel like I traveled all over LA today – it was one tiring day. But…I filed the bankruptcy (still have more to do with that), saw my therapist, talked to my one company about the paperwork I have to send in, and got ok’d to start tutoring two new students.

Still, I feel a bit unhinged. I’ve been under enormous stress for such a long time maybe this is to be expected. On one of the buses I was riding, I saw a advertisement for a place to help people with heroin and pain killer addictions. I’m fortunate I don’t have that problem. The name of their website really caught my attention – FeelNormal. I thought to myself, I haven’t felt normal in such a long time, I don’t remember what it’s like.

Here are some things that would help me feel normal – a soothing 1 hour massage, a one-way (just kidding) trip to the most beautiful place on earth, a (mundane) steak dinner at someplace slightly better than Sizzler, a haircut that I haven’t given myself, being able to stay in this apartment, and oh yeah, a male companion (even if he’s just a friend). Well, stranger things have happened.

My gratitude today is that I finally got the bankruptcy filed and the procedure started and that Sasha is right here keeping her Mommie (me) company.

One Very Tired Person, Michelle Rose

Lessons from Life - Weekend

Lessons from Life, Saturday, March 28, 2009

The Plans of Mice and (Wo)men

For the second time, I took the wrong medications in the morning. I took my night-time medications and had to go back to bed, since they make me sleepy. Ok, so I had a nice 4 hour nap and when I woke up, I was still quite drowsy.

The lesson here is not that I need more sleep, but to look first at my medications before I take them. To avoid this kind of mishap occurring again – since medication mix-ups can sometimes be more serious than just a nap – I’ve labeled the pill vials I use for my medications – “Day” and “Night.” A simple solution that I should have done the first time it happened. Lessons learned.

My gratitude for today is that I did get some extra sleep (possibly making up for the hour I lost at the beginning month?). LOL! But, it also gave me time to rest my back, which I’d injured on Friday, plus my knee, which I injured the beginning of February.
Resting in My Father’s Love, Michelle Rose
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Lessons from Life, Sunday, March 29, 2009

Humor Makes Life Lighter

I love to laugh, and sometimes I laugh at myself. Yet with the day I had today – it was difficult physically, I still managed to find time to laugh. Jesus, my Saviour, has walked me through some incredibly tough times. He’s never left me, even when I can’t feel Him there. Just as humor makes my life lighter – laughing at how silly I can be for worrying sometimes – so does Jesus make my life lighter by carrying my burden. This doesn’t make me laugh, but brings tears to my eyes and makes my heart thump just a bit harder, knowing Jesus loves me this much. His love of carrying my burdens makes it easier for me to laugh.

Yes, my gratitude is that Jesus loves me enough to bear what I can’t. As the hymn says, “What a friend [I] have in Jesus…”

Living in the Son-Light, Michelle Rose

E.G.B.O.K.

(If you look closely, you can see a bee inside the heart of this flower. I was once scared of these fascinating creatures, now I love to take photos of them when they land on flowers.)

Lessons from Life, Friday, March 27, 2009

E.G.B.O.K (Everything's going to be OK)

It’s almost over. Almost. But now I owe the city of LA money since I was an independent contractor for 1 ½ years and have to pay back the money I received to file bankruptcy, but on Monday I will file bankruptcy. Today I went to welfare to turn in my letter from SSA so I can receive my money back to pay for my Medicare. It didn’t take much time to take it away from me, but as is usual with the government, it takes them forever (well, around 2 months to return it).

Part 2…My friend Sharon has pointed out on more than one occasion that I don’t do anything to “treat” myself other than with food and that I don’t let out certain feelings when I’m hurting. How true. I don’t know how to reward myself with anything other than with food – it’s been my “shelter” too long. I hide in what I eat – it’s my way to cope. I’m no longer a practicing alcoholic, but I’ve continued my addiction with food, which is sometimes my way of expressing my feelings. I’ve got quite a bit of work to do on myself, now that I don’t have to concentrate so much on overwhelming problems. I have to relearn how to reward myself and to accept the person I am, other than as a person who is always overstressed and dealing with problems, since that’s who I’ve been for longer than I care to remember.

My gratitude today is that I went to the welfare office and didn’t totally freak out by having a major anxiety attack. I’m also grateful I met a guy – whether he calls or not, it was fun talking to him.

Comforted by my Saviour, Michelle Rose

Lessons from Life 3/16 to 3/25 - Catching Up...

Once again I've been a little lazy, but mostly in a place emotionally where I did not have the strength to post my lessons on this blog. I hope those who are following my lessons on here, will be happy they are updated.

Lessons from Life, Monday, March 16, 2009

Today it felt like the earth caved in on my life. I wasn’t even a parallel universe. It was just confusing. I’m not sure what kind of lesson I could have learned from the pit of hell I experienced myself being dropped into, but the pain today was terrible.

In catching up on my lessons, I will just summarize what it felt like going through these days. I know I was grateful for something, yet the pain and confusion simply overwhelmed me.
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Lessons from Life, Tuesday, March 17, 200

I continued trying to find answers for this confusion I am experiencing; answers that I couldn’t comprehend, even when I went to the sources I knew should have them. Maybe my shock was so deep that I could not understand even the simplest explanation. Maybe I couldn’t accept that life, as I had known it for the past couple years, was changing and I would have to find some way to figure out a new way to live and accept, finding the serenity that I could not feel enough to write these lessons. I felt incapable of it.

Again, I have much to be grateful for, but I was lost in a deep forest.
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Lessons from Life, Wednesday, March 18, 2009

Some of the pain came out today, to those which I least expected to express it to – strangers. Yet, between the physical and emotional pain, I was exploding, like a stuffed toy with the stuffing pouring out of split seams. I prayed to God to help me put it back in. But, He only gave me the peace of sleep. I remember using this analogy to my AA sponsor (Girl) Mike when she was alive. I also remember feeling this way too many times in my life. I put my life in the Lord’s hands and believe He loves me. Why, then, do I feel the desolation and depression that hangs over me like a huge black thunderhead?

Again, I ask a question I did in an earlier lesson. Is it wrong for me to want more? Then I wonder if I’m doing all I can to move past this point because it appears that no matter what I do, it still isn’t good enough.

Gratitude – talking with my friends and being with possible new friends at church.
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Lessons from Life, Thursday, March 19, 2009

I picked up the paperwork from the paralegal to file the bankruptcy. Then realized I’d have to have the filing fee before I went to court. I am sometimes so naïve, thinking I could just show up and they would allow me to sign a waiver. Maybe it doesn’t work that way. So once again, I had to scramble for the money to help me out of this nightmare that is almost over. Please God, let it almost be finished. Fortunately, family, friends, and a neighbor helped. This is my gratitude today. Soon, this particular hell will be in the past.

Still feeling vulnerable, Michelle
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Lessons from Life, Friday, March 20, 2009

The Miracle of Spring

“They [the Lord’s mercies] are new every morning: great is thy faithfulness.”
~Lamentations 3:23 KJV~

I woke up this morning and told God how tired I was. That’s all I could say, “God, I’m tired, very tired. I am so very tired.” Even though I’d just awakened, I had no energy from all the battles I’d had with different government agencies and preventing myself from being sued. The bankruptcy is not filed yet, but I will have the money I need for the filing fee soon, so the end of this challenge is in sight. The other challenge I had was thinking I was losing my medical coverage.

Last night on the way home from the paralegal, I was just so discouraged that I had to face another obstacle, that I just wanted to take drastic action to not have to face another thing. Obviously, I didn’t do that. This morning when I called SSA, my life turned around within a few seconds. That’s all it took. The Lord’s miracles come when I least expect them. Yes, my SSDI is less, but I will still be getting a good amount of disability. The $96 that I won’t receive in my check is what the feds will use to pay for my Medicare. I still have medical coverage.

I’ve known people who say they don’t believe in miracles, but all they need to do is take a look at my life. For all the challenges I’ve had in my life and still come through them, with the help of Jesus, I AM A MIRACLE.

My gratitude today is that I finally heard the answer I needed to hear and was able to understand it.

Standing on the Rock, Michelle
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Lessons from Life, Saturday, March 21, 2009

Beauty – From the Inside Out

Oscar Hammerstein, II:
“Do you love me because I'm beautiful, or am I am beautiful because you love me?”

Saturday, I saw a man whom I’d seen around Pasadena when I lived there and with whom I’d had a casual acquaintance – to say, “Hello, how are you?” However, I never knew his name and for some reason, never asked. So, when he walked into the restaurant where my friends and I were planning to have dinner, I finally found out his name, along with his friend, whom I’d never met before.

For much of my life, I’ve been judged from the outside in, but I’ve done my best not to be that way – although I must admit, I’ve fallen into that trap at times. Claude is not handsome by Tinsel Town standards, as he was possibly in some kind of accident, which burned his face, scarring it. I don’t know much about him and would not think to ask what happened. Yet, one thing has always attracted me to him – he has always been nice when we’ve talked. As a result, I see him from the inside out.

Isn’t that the way my friends and my Heavenly Father see me? I know is yes, since the dark valley I’m walking through has not come to an end yet. During this time I don’t always feel “beautiful,” but somehow an ugly part of life. Yet, Jesus loves me just as I am. In just writing that something struck my heart about His love.

My gratitude that day was that my friends loved me enough to help me out.

Walking in His Light, Michelle Rose
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Lessons from Life, Sunday, March 22, 2009

Changes, Changing, Changed

All changes, even the most longed for, have their melancholy; for what we leave behind us is a part of ourselves; we must die to one life before we can enter another. ~Anatole France~

I long for changes in my life, but sometimes I wonder if it will ever come, since I can’t escape the rut I’ve been stuck in for so long. I strive to be changing in my thinking and attitude toward a much better future, yet can’t escape the circumstances that do not have me thinking beyond how I see things in my present. I desire to be changed in body, mind, spirit – physically, financially, emotionally – it’s so close, yet still feels so far out of reach.

My gratitude – having time to rest from the pain I was in this day.

Praying for Life Healing, Michelle Rose
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Lessons from Life, Monday, March 23, 2009

Oh Lord! When will that other window open?

Come unto me, ye who are weary and overburdened, and I will give you rest.
Bible, Matthew 11:28
I am so tired of what I’m going through. I keep thinking I’m coming to the end of this dark valley I’m in, then I have to wait longer and longer. I’m tired of talking about my life as it is. I’m tired of feeling like I do. I’m tired of not having any money.

I’m TIRED! (do you hear me Lord?)

I am grateful that a small check came today and that it won’t cost me too much to cash it at a check cashing place, so I don’t have to go to the bank.

One tired person, Michelle Rose
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Lessons from Life, Tuesday, March 24, 2009

The past several months have been quite a roller coaster in my life. Fortunately, even though I’m single and have often felt alone, I’ve never had to go through this long dark tunnel by myself. I’ve had friends near and far. I’ve had my family. But most of all, I’ve had a loving God who’s been with me the whole time and much of the time when I lacked the strength to take another step, He carried me. For all of this I’m grateful.

Protected under His Wings, Michelle Rose
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Lessons from Life, Wednesday, March 25, 2009

I didn’t make it to the DPSS office today to bring the letter from SSA reinstating my Medicare Part B. I’ll go tomorrow, before I go to Sharon’s. I pre-tested a new student. She’s in kindergarten and the youngest student I’ve ever had.

Tonight after coming home from the student’s house, I spent almost my last dollar on a box of cookies at the 99¢ store (they are now charging $1 for everything), then ate half the box (ok, it was a small box). On the way home I saw a mother and father with two young sons. They had just become homeless. I gave them the ½ box of cookies for the boys and after thinking about it, gave them the last dollar in my wallet, since I’ll be able to cash the other check I have and will be paid tomorrow from my tutoring company. I wished I had a $100 to give them so they could have spent the night in a motel. Before leaving them to return home, I prayed with them. Their plight struck me to the core, since their hell is just beginning, while mine will soon be over. I pray to God that they will find shelter and food soon.

I’m grateful for the Lord looking over me through this long, dark time I’ve had in my life and I praise Him for helping me find my way to the end of it. It will be over soon. I’m grateful for the time I have to take “mental health” days to return to work as a sub refreshed and to be able to have the time to help my friend Sharon – who needs me as much as I need her.

Realizing so much about this journey, Michelle Rose