Friday, January 8, 2010
Questions without Answers
I haven't written LfrL every night, since I've been struggling with so many questions in my mind. Here are just a few of the issues I'm grappling with at this point.
~ In my life, I appear to be the only one who ever apologizes for anything, even when someone else hurts me. Does that mean I'm worse than others? Am I such a bad person that I'm the only one who's had to apologize for everything all my life?
~ When someone else hurts me, I'm not supposed to get angry and/or yell at them. Yet, it's ok for them to do this to me. Am I not as good a person as they are or are they just more powerful than I am?
~ Some of the things people say to me, I would never say to them. One thing everyone always has to mention is that I'm fat. DUH! I've lived with being in this condition for 60 years. Do people not realize I know what I look like?
~ I'm 60 years old, but people are still telling me what to do, as if I don't know how to handle my life or I'm a little child (ok, I'm God's child). I'm so tired of this, but don't know how to handle it. Do people think I'm so dumb I can't live without their help?
~ Everyone else appears to have power over me. Is it because I'm a doormat, too nice, or what? So much of the time I feel as if I'm supposed to bend over and kiss their...uh, you know what...toes.
~ One of the few places I feel comfortable is at home - alone with Sasha. Outside my apartment, I feel invisible and feel as if I have to get out of everyone's way. Am I invisible?
I know God has provided the answers to these questions in the Bible, but I'm not finding the answers in my reading. I'm not in the best mood right now. Yes, I've been struggling with depression. Ok, I feel better than I did a few days ago, but it just hurts too much to feel completely happy. It's scary. I'm scared. And I haven't felt this way for a very long time. I'm unsure of myself and what I should be like. It appears most of the lessons I'm learning now are hard ones. Lessons that tell me that no matter what I do, my life will never change; that I'm stuck in a horrible rut that will never release me. Maybe that isn't so, but that's the way it appears. I don't feel as if I'm growing, but dead beneath a ton of snow, struggling to be alive again. And I'm not sure how to do it.