When Life Has Other Plans

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I had all kinds of good things planned to do today and had to cancel them all. While I was on my way to an AA meeting this morning I was experiencing quite a bit of pain in my lower back and down my legs. I took the bus to the point where I was supposed to catch another bus to a meeting, but the pain was so bad, I decided to turn around and come home. By the time I arrived back at my street, I had a massive headache where I was very sensitive to light. I didn't want to take any pain pills, so I burrowed under my covers to block the light from my eyes.

I don't know if the headache I got was a migraine, but it certainly felt like one. I fell asleep and about 5 hours later, the pain had abated. Still, I decided to rest in bed.

Today was one of those days when my life took a detour. I had to accept how I felt, realizing I could not do either of my activities. Again, I'm beginning to feel pain, so I'll listen to my body and get off the computer in a few minutes. It appears that pain (physical or otherwise) is a good indicator of action I should take or avoid.

Going Beyond My "Borders"

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I usually don't like to go places that are too far from where I live, especially if I haven't been there before. That's not to say I don't do it. I did it today. I went to an AA meeting way out on the far end of the Sunset Strip. I heard a wonderful speaker and some terrific sharing. The ironic part was that the meeting was above a bar in a room where there was another bar. But, it felt so good to be in that room with other sober alcoholics.

The thing is, with the freedom I have in my life being sober, being a Christian, being creative, and more, I can break free of many of the borders, or more like "prison" walls, that were holding me back, always of my own making. I'm not sure what happened to change my fear. Secluding myself within the walls of my apartment became boring and the fear fed on itself as a continuing cycle.

I thank God for the personal and emotional freedom that I feel and can exercise. Even though I'm still not going all the places I plan to go because I still have a bit of fear holding me back, I've broken out of something that was extremely difficult to change.

A Change of Plans

See, no matter if the clouds are dark, the sun (God's light) shines through.

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December 3, 2009, Thursday

Today was supposed to be a nice relaxing day. It was in part. I fiddled around on the computer before going to a play (which I unfortunately left at intermission), then tried a new vegan restaurant, and stopped at the bank for the rent money and money for myself.

I was also supposed to go to a poetry reading that night, but my body had other plans. I was in very bad pain. I've learned to like myself much more than I did, but when I hurt, I would just love to order a new body. Well, Paul begged God to remove "a thorn" from his side and God basically told Paul, no, it's staying there because (imagine this in red ink, since I don't know how to make it that way),"My grace is sufficient for thee; for my strength is made perfect in weakness." II Corinthians 12:9 KJV

Maybe that's what God has in mind for me - using this pain some way. Because I know that I would give anything for God to take it away. I know others have worse pain then I do, although I'm not sure how they deal with it. I've come to terms with my emotional disability, but haven't yet with my physical disability. Is this being grateful to God for my waking up each morning? I am grateful, but is beefing about the pain still being grateful?

Michelle Rose

Backing Up a Little

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Tuesday, December 1, 2009

Today I was supposed to go to a poetry reading, but never made it. Why? I got too involved in being on my computer. Sometimes I don't like this infernal machine very much, but, of course, it's part of life - for work, communication, fun, and other jobs.

I remember the days without a computer. I did other things - went to the park, the zoo, or watched tv. On the days that I have to go out, I'm almost relieved that I won't be near my computer for a whole day. What a nice break. Yet, I'm grateful I have it.

Yes, these lessons are a bit backward and I could not figure out how to rearrange them. But, then again it really doesn't matter, does it. Everyone got to read this message on a means of communication that is supposed to make our lives simpler, but doesn't always.

Bless all of you today and enjoy this photo of one of God's amazing works, Northern Lights.

Michelle Rose

Lessons for the Tutor

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December 1, 2009,
Tuesday

On Wednesday I found out that I lost one of my students, meaning I no longer tutor him. Naturally, I was very upset about it, since I'd worked very hard to make a connection with him and find out just how to get him interested in what I was teaching him.

I later found out that it wasn't because of my teaching style, but because the mother didn't want me teaching her son because I couldn't speak Spanish. I am going to miss tutoring this student, since we were beginning to have fun with the lessons.

When I tutor, I put more than 100% effort into how I tutor. I have had students in the past whom I could not get interested in working with me, no matter what I did, but we went through the whole number of hours assigned for the semester. And I learned lessons from the students - about what and what not to do.

Ok, I've moved on from this experience. It may or may not happen again, and as my coordinator said, I'm not the only tutor that has had this experience. The thing that I realize is that my God has something else for me, which will probably be even better. He takes care of me and I trust that He will always do that because that's what He promised me.

Note: Also, if you like these lessons and want to pass them on to others, please feel free to do so. I thank everyone for the comments they make on them.

Michelle Rose

And Who Am I Really?

(Yes, this is what I feel like)

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Yesterday, my friend Don asked me to lead a poetry writing workshop and short meeting for the Poetry Festival we're having next year. Without hesitation I said yes. It's something I've done before, so I know what to do, and the group is made up of people I mostly know, except if some newcomers attend it.

Today I started thinking, "Oh, can I really do this? What if everyone doesn't like the poems I pick or how I lead? (or whatever...)" Then I realized that Don would not have asked me if he didn't have confidence in me and my ability. So, instead of remaining in the fear, I started choosing poems for inspiration. I realized that my fearful feeling and lack of self-confidence is an old one. So, I can kick that critic to the curb!

For most of my life, I've thought of myself as a follower and acted the part. But now, I'm slowly breaking out of that roll and starting in a new one. I can take the lead and feel confident that I will be successful, not just for the workshop but in other areas of my life. God didn't create junk when He made me. He created me as a unique and beautiful creation in His eyes, and that's how I see myself.

Another friend of mine, Jean, said this in a email, "You know, even though we've never met. You've came along ways, doing better, feeling much better about yourself. You're looking, feeling better about things in Life, etc. Being more positive about things too. You have really improve[d] yourself and doing things to better yourself." Thank you so much Jean. You can't imagine how nice that made me feel.

Ok, not everyday is sunshine and roses. I do have my moments when I'm "dark and twisty," but I don't allow myself to stay there. I work at being a positive, upbeat, and confident person. I've learned to be the kind of person who takes lemons and makes lemonade, since I know the ups and downs of life are part of the cycle of each moment through the years. I know who I am more today than I ever did and I like the person I've become.

Children and Challenges

I tutor a very challenging 6th grader. He gets bored very easily, so in the past couple sessions, I've been challenging him more. We work on the lessons that I'm supposed to teach him, but I do it slightly differently. Here is where my creativity comes in handy. I've always been able to be spontaneous and ad lib in my stories and examples to my students. With this student, it helps so much because I can see him becoming more interested and wanting to work through the lesson.

I am not a parent, nor do I have children of my own, but I've learned from my other students what can awaken their interest and what makes them bored. Sometimes it takes a bit of searching to see how to get through to a student. I've had my "failures" in the past, but these are only lessons to me, helping me with new students.

If anyone had asked me when I was younger what I wanted to be when I got older, I would never have said a tutor. I wanted to work with animals, but I found out I didn't want to do that as a job, only as a volunteer. I love what I do and the challenge each new student presents to me as a tutor. Finding my niche in life was so important to me, but no matter how much I searched, I couldn't find one. When I stopped looking, God put me where He wanted me. Now, how amazing is that? I'd say quite amazing!